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I bring you yet another journal entry. Two in one day again? You bet. I might even step it up to three, though I doubt it, unless my mind is abnormally active that day.
This is more of a continuation of one of my previous entries, the one that was unusually short. I meant it to be longer, but things happened and I wasn't given the chance to finish it. So here it is. Enjoy.
My mind has been especially attracted to the sadder thoughts that dwell within my brain and call it home. I try to ward them off with a stern, thought bubble but that has yet to yield results, for they continue to invade my mind in abnormally large numbers. Now I don't mean sad thoughts as in depressing thoughts. No, nothing that exactly brings a tear to my eye. Well, it could, I suppose, if I gave it a chance to linger longer in my mind, but that would be harmful to my ever fragile psyche, so I try to dispel them at the first chance I get. Of course, dispelling them doesn't seem to do a single thing, for they return a moment later, stronger and more potent than before, and each time it becomes harder to remove them. I fear that eventually they'll assail my mind with such strength that I'll no longer be able to banish them, which is a truly frightening thought, because I know how it feels to have one's mind consumed by bitter and depressing thoughts. It's a painful way to live, having such a hex upon you. So I wish to keep them out once and for all, although nothing seems to be able to do that. No amount of conversing or comedies can thwart the invasion of those thoughts. Sure, they help for a moment, they relieve me of painful thoughts and reveries, but they are only temporary, and as soon as they wear off, I'm assaulted once more by the annoying thoughts. It seems to be never-ending, the only way to ward them off for good would be to constantly surround myself with friends and other forms of entertainment, which sounds easy enough, but I like having some time to myself. I'm not saying anyone is annoying, that is the complete opposite, especially for a certain someone recently, who has been making me smile nonstop. I'm saying that I like being alone sometimes, I like just shutting myself away from the world so I can just enjoy the solitude. Sounds a little strange, right? Some may call it antisocial, but I call it me-time, and I enjoy that above all else. I do hope that I don't grow into some hermit someday and live within some crummy shack in the woods. I enjoy solitude, but not to that point. I mean, I'd love to be out in the woods, I spend a lot of my time there, but for the rest of my life? No way. So I must suck it up and divide my time among myself and my friends, which grows increasingly hard with these rancid thoughts of mine. They make me quiet, and that makes it hard to talk with friends, which makes it hard to cheer up. When I can't cheer up, the thoughts stay within my mind and grow. They grow and grow until they get to the point where I really would like to become a hermit and get away. It's very troublesome. I do plan to create journal entries about my sadder thoughts, for all this sharing has really eased my mind and heart and made life a little brighter. Of course, most of the sad thought entries will be private, due to what they may contain, but I do intend to have a few public, to allow people to see the more depressed side of my mind, which may or may not change your opinion of me. Who knows. A few people have seen my depressed side, which I hate. That's another reason why most of my sad thought entries will be private. I feel weak when I let people see that half of me. I feel weak, pitiful and worthless. It just makes me feel so helpless when someone sees that, I don't like people knowing about those thoughts, for some may store my weaknesses, and that's the last thing I want people to know. And seeing the depressed half will allow them to see all of me, the parts I hide. Having someone know too much about me is a terribly horrifying thought. They might abuse the knowledge, they might hurt me and shun me because of it. I don't want that. I don't want to be in pain because someone knows a lot about me. I don't want to be hurt anymore. That's why I have so many private entries, why I keep so many things to myself, because I don't know who I can trust with my other half. There are some that I do trust, but I have a constant fear that they might turn around and use that trust to bring me pain. Those are part of the sad thoughts. You don't know how many times I imagine those I love, those I trust, turning against me and betraying me. How they laugh and grin in my agonizing reveries! How it hurts and burns and stings. It's a horrible pain that revives itself almost every day, and inflicts such malady that I just want to hide from everyone and everything, to cast them away and lock myself away from the world. It's horrible, a truly sickening feeling to have, to not be able to completely trust those you love, for fear of being betrayed. It's pitiful. A truly sad sight. It's painful and harrowing to think such things, to be bombarded by such thoughts day and night. I sometimes wonder if I'll over come this paranoia and proudly show other half to all who wish to see. I do want to trust people. I want to have people that I can turn to, people who will always support me through thick and thin. I have people like that, but I wish they weren't accompanied by the vile thoughts of them betraying me.
Well, there's a small look into my mind. Hope you enjoyed it.