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My throat hurts.

I think my nose may be dripping in my sleep. I sleep all day now and I'm only alive at night. I wear a mask to block out the light. Once the darkness returns to the sky, I shall feel better. I hate this light.

I hate this light.

I hate this light.

I hate this light

I hate this light
I hate this light,
I hate
hate
hate this light.

I got Christmas presents for my roommates because I feel like they need my love more than my family. I feel myself distanced from my real family. I could bridge the gap easily in my heart, but who says that I wish to right now or if that way is over presents. I think not. I do not wish to give presents to please them. I would rather tell them the things I have learned from them and express from the bottom of my heart how much I have come to love them.

To think, I have come from not even wanting to share the same name as them to loving them this much is extraordinary. It has been worked on through talking about odd things, spending time, and simply being around them to live through certain experiences. Since I have accepted my mother as my mother figure in my life, it has been easier to communicate with her. Once I accepted that I am a lot like her and that she has valuable guidance, she has become valuable to me as a mother again. I think before blocking that was the fact that I did not want to be like her and that I thought she either disliked me or didn't want to understand me. I see now that I was blocking a lot of this by not talking to her about things. If I had merely talked to her about things, it might have been easier on us as I was a little kid growing up. At the same time though, I did try to talk to her as a kid and I just was too sensitive to her answers. With my mother you need to learn to filter. Yes, perhaps that is the key in our relationship: the filter. I do not talk to her about everything you see, but what things I can think of that she would be good at or take pleasure in talking about. I see that I still make mistakes but at least I am testing ground. . w . With my father it was the breakthrough that I could be his friend and not just his daughter. My brother I think I am still learning much about being friends with him. I need to learn my place between him and my parents. I can't stick up between them so much anymore. It tears me apart. I need to learn not to do that so much. I can do it from time to time but I need to eventually stop. I also need to learn to be a better person so that my brother can be proud of me.

I don't think he approves of me. I think that he may love me as a sister but wishes he could protect me? I love that but, I also want to make him proud and feel like he could look up to me. He is always helping me but I rarely am any help to him. I may be just like mother with him, where he can only tell me certain things. For that, I am uncertain. He is allowed to keep secrets after all and he is a deep guy. My brother is my intellectual superior. While I may dwell on many philosophical things and spread my hands to other minds, he is much more diverse. He lives the ideals that he finds and tests waters where most would not dare, even me. I would not do half the things he does, but I also feel that it is a man's world and he was brought up to expect that the world is his.

I often wonder what dreams he has. I wonder if he is like me in our dreams. I wonder if I ever come into his dreams, for he is in mine from time to time.

Life is wonderful journal.

We have a whole party planned for Thursday and nothing shall stand in the way of its splendor. We are going to have our own little Xmas here in the apartment, complete with a dinner supervised by me. I of course spent all my money on this so I have no dough to get home. lol. My parents don't know. Double Lol. I won't ask till last minute. It's embarrassing. I wish I could get my brother a gift. I would love to find him some cute little mug that fits his Hipster style. Lol. He is a hipster in the best sense of the word, like my roommate. They don't do the tacky things that most do like hanging records on the wall or protesting small things. They live their lives in the most earnest way possible and have interest in things lost to the American culture.

My roommate is the best.

I am very excited that her finals are over. Now we get to have more time to hangout. She is my buddy. Speaking of which: I don't want to see Andrea and Christy this year. I know that is terrible to say but please read on. I am scared to see them. I am scared they will not like who I am anymore and that I shall never have the same relations with them ever again. I am so scared that I asked my mother to have us fly to Connecticut near the first. She said she would look into it.

I don't want to be around Roseville for New Years if I do not see them both. I could not stand a New Years without them. They are the one holiday that I usually look forward to. Best Friend day. New Start with Old Friends. New Day. Let us never stop being friends? Please?

I am pathetic.

I am a loathing piece of crap.

I drew some more today. I made my snarky superhero character from one of my old avatars. She is really good looking. I think it would positively amazing if I had a comic by Christmas. Maybe my brother could help me out when we're back home? Lol. Wouldn't that be something? Haha. I don't want to see the rest of our family for Christmas. Maybe Daniel would like to skip out with me? I think that would be plum wonderful. Since Maddie won't be there, there is no reason to go. There is no reason to celebrate Christmas. What is there to celebrate? Tell me. Another year of memories? I shall lose them soon. Another year of being together? I can be with my family any time and Thanksgiving is the holiday to give thanks you moron. I love being with my family and if we were to sit around reading and playing games the entire day, I would be happy. I would be happy. I would be happy. I would be happy. I would be happy. I would be happy. I would be happy.

I don't want to see them. I don't want to see them. I don't want to SEE THEM> I DONT" EAWANR TO SEE THEM! I DON"T WANT TOS EE THEM! I DON"T WANT TOS EE THEM! Don't make me, I will walk away the entire holiday. I will walk to the town and spend the day in the cold. I will walk to the park and then spend the night walking back. I will kidnap my brother for protection against the dark and pack a flashlight. I will not . I will not. I will not spend the day with them. I refuse. I refuse I REDEUHFrljkesnv I AMSDkwlenvskje.anwrfavc ADWC sooildeF brat. bOO. You ruined it. Boo-hoo. ******** brat.

>D

******** OFF.

Mmm~ back to the point... I suppose my plans have been erased? What bullcrap is this, I know. And part of me is angry while the other lives on and just accepts that there are days. There is no part that rejoices. I don't question why though I think I should. Isn't that a basic human function? Or is fear the basic human function? I personally think the latter rather than the former.