blood sugar's all over the charts right now. I'm going insane. I just want to scream.
been a horrible two weeks eating-wise. Halloween does s**t to a pre-diabetic's view of reality...
big breakfast, thinking I wouldn't have lunch. ended up making a gravely poor lunch decision, so when I got back to the dorm tonight, I binged on candy.
had 3 Reese's in a row. I want to scream so bad right now... I can feel the levels spiking inside me, my pulse quickening just the slightest, my body itching to move yet wanting to stay put and shove more food in.
and it'll get so much worse. it's exponential: once you get a little out of line, each time it gets bigger and bigger until suddenly you've had a buffet as a third supper. O.O;;
i've been trying so hard for this not to happen.
it doesn't happen anywhere near as often as it did in high school, but nights like tonight - when I'm the only one in the dorm, unmotivated, sullen, and/or nothing to do except wait for 3 hours- stupid little things like that creep up on a person.
I've been learning the triggers. But it still hasn't connected yet that when I know something is bad for me, I actively choose not to eat that. I just know it's bad for me, it'll get worked off in a workout (which never happens anymore because I'm so goddamn tired) or I'll compensate later.
gonk
it's a vicious spiral downward. And once it's started, it is supremely difficult to stop.
so. water helps, as does getting away from food. Have an hour yet before that can happen...
scream. so much going on.
so much I feel like complaining about.
Blue Like Jazz. Got the director's name wrong on facebook. Got confused at the movie, recognizing it was deeply symbolic and had a vein of iron-clad meaning in it, but I'm horrible at picking it out. and it had horrible ratings when I looked up reviews for the movie. erm...
and I came SOOOOO close to talking to RH. I went to B's room to steal her guitar in an effort to soothe my troubled mind ("why me? every single time? why am i so afraid to talk to guys?"-type thinking), ended up gushing my heart and soul to her about the matter (along with several other guys that came up in the same conversation, haha), was promptly informed that he may or may not be close to dating a chick i hardly know.
which is yielding strange feelings.
On one hand, it means the cruel end of all my weird daydreams...
On the other hand, it is incredibly freeing. It lessens the stress of what could or could not happen, I guess. or makes it less awkward in a way.
and it helps me not feel so bad about freaking out about his hair color (as mentioned in a previous entry) and later realizing I was totally wrong. the more I thought about it, the more I realized his hair isn't the right shade. Too dark, with not enough orange-y tones.
maybe it was the fire in the dream, i dunno. but that's not the color I saw.
THANK GOODNESS.
because that would've been a most awkward conversation in and of itself.
haha. xDD
scream.
sugar, we're going down.
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