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Life was always confusing for her, she'd be having the greatest day of her life and it would suddenly be destroyed, ripped to shreads, decimated like some demolished buiding. It would leave her tired, her heart only a wreckage, twisted supports, debris, chunks of what used to be. Her smile became that story the government tells to the people of the country, a pretty cover up to hide the pain and tears and agony beneath. And then the day would repeat. She would wake up, happy, optimistic that today would be better.. today she'd be able to smile the whole day without worrying about the downfall. Today would be different, even though it wouldn't. She went through the same pain everyday, her only savior became a person who lived too far away for the comfort she so wished for, but it saved her from everything that had been the small bits of pieces of a life that she only saw in her dreams or memories after the age of three. This person, this boy became her escape, even though he lived a thousand miles away.

But even he, too, became confusing.. for he was much like the girl, and no one could confuse her more than herself. He twisted her feelings more tha her paranoid thoughts did, pulled and pushed on the small and tender pieces of what was left of her heart. And he didn't know. He didn't know he was the first and last things she though about everyday... he didn't know how often her crossed her mind and caused her to cry. He didn't know how jealous she was of every girl he talked to, how much she worried that she'd be replaced, that she'd become non-existant and he would no longer talk to her. She waited for that day where she would stare at his name and never get a message.. never get a "Hello" or "How are you doing?" She was sure he didn't care, and she was positive she would never get him back. He was always looking at other girls, always telling mentioning how he wasn't sure of what to do.. and even though it killed her she helped. Because his happiness was more important than her own.

And after the heart break of it all.. another person appared. A person that this girl didn't have the strength to tell the truth, and when she did she ran from it. She was scared she would lose this boy, just like the other one. She had lied to him for three years, what reason did he have to stay..? But the boy did stay, and he did more than just stay. He made the girl feel welcome again, he made the girl feel loved and special for the first time in a long while.. even though she didn't deserve it the boy stayed by her side. He never paused or faultered to tell the girl how much she meant to him, he never missed a beat to tell her she was beautiful. The boy was everything the girl ever wanted even though she never wanted to get close to another guy ever again. She was still waiting for the first boy. But feelings have a way of devolping even whe they're not wanted, so the girl accidently became close to the boy. She bega to care for the boy and she finally realized why chase after someone she'll never get when she had an amazing guy right beside her. So she decided to try and give up.

Sadly things never worked in the favor of the girl.

That night when she was about to give up, the first boy have the hardest pull, and since the other boy was still holding on to the other part of her heart, it ripped straight down the middle. The girl became confused, lost, and cried herself to sleep. That night she contiplated suicide again.. after so many failed attempts she was dead set on doing it this time, because thigs didn't make sense.. she could't chose. So she took the bleach cleaner from under the kitchen sik and looked at it a long while. But she couldn't do it, some part of her was telling her that the first boy would miss her.. and she knew the second one would be destroyed completely. So she put the bleach away, and shuffled back to her computer, back to the only thing that made her smile anymore. Stories, music, and her meum leo.. her lion. She slowly slid to sleep again, and her dreams were plagued with nightmares.