Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

There are a lot of things that change about a person but there is one thing that I think I want to change back to the way it was before:

Recently, I've been thinking of birthdays as something bad or just something that doesn't need to be celebrated. It has nothing to do with my age. I think I'm just becoming bitter? I know that I'm still hurting so I try to keep distance from people right now. It helps that I've kept my phone off but I have to turn it on to call my mother this Wednesday for a birthday greeting. I kind of resent her for that. I resent birthdays for it.

I don't want to confront what it waiting for me on that phone. I know I'm not ready and will break down yet again. It was hard to pick myself up from the last shock. and lately it seems like it has only been shock after shock after shock to my system. I really can't take all this. Picking myself up is honestly and truly very difficult. I put so much stress on myself already that I can only handle so many traumas. I keep myself busy to work out the stress and even out the drama but this leads to me getting burned out.

Bah. This is why my internet friends are so important. They truly keep me balanced. They are the ones that keep my social gears and hopes spinning. To me, they are a better version of high school friends. They are people who I share interests with, get along really well with, and people that I honestly and truly care about from the bottom of my heart. I try to devote myself to them just like I did in high school to those people. I never really thought about how the two situations are similar until now but isn't that great? I know it's dangerous for me to do but they are wonderful friends to me too. I don't think they try to hurt me when they do and they do their best to be my friends too. They are wonderful people, each and every one of them. It's a small wonder that I brag about them every chance I get ^^ I really do. I wish I could meet just one of them in person. Even one of them would be amazing. I think my heart would just about burst. ^^ I'm very happy as I am now though. Just being a friend with them and sharing so much of our lives brings me great joy.

Thank you everyone, from the bottom of my heart. I'll work to remember why the day people are born is so very worth celebrating again !