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I wanted to cry watching this movie on Netflix. I have been researching sex and all the things I should know for a while, even before I was in a relationship with my newest boyfriend. It has been a slow progress. I have checked out all the books at the library and searched for shows on t.v. as well as looked up s**t on the internet. I tried to watch porn to see if that taught me anything. It only shared the living daylights out of me. This film made me feel, such a connection to what it was saying. I feel much safer about talking about it and I feel a much greater need to break down those walls that I have built to not talk about it.

When I was back home, I tried tentatively to talk to my mother about sex. She would say one or two things then go back to the "No" or "Let's not talk about this" I understand she is embarrassed, but she must realize how embarrassing it is for me as well. I hate how I feel like I know nothing about this subject and I have no one to turn to. My brother was very nice about it on the ride to Sac. He was easy to talk to and honest. He told me a little about what the first time is about and answered some questions I had but at that point, I didn't want to push him too much because I felt it shouldn't have been his responsibility to teach me.

As far as I know, none of my friends have had sex. The ones that have are over the internet friends and it is twice as awkward ( probably ) to explain it over the internet as in real life.

My boyfriend right now has had sex. My last boyfriend had been experienced too. This one though, has been very kind and cool about telling me to take it easy. He never pushes me ( though that is also prolly due to his timid personality, lol ) and he tries not to get me embarrassed about it. However, due to his protective ways on this subject, I don't know if I can talk to him about it. I don't know if I could ask the questions I need to ask. I've wanted to have sex and treat it as a next normal step for a long time. I know that I want to have it to express deeply caring for someone. I know it is not just something to get over. A part of me is still scared about how I will react to that kind of experience because of what I have gone through in the past and my fears linked to sexual experiences. Because I have such a personal stigma against rape and I really don't understand pleasuring yourself, sex has this negative image as something that I will lose control of myself in. I will act out like I did in high school or see something that isn't there because of the high. I don't want to hurt whoever I am with by saying that name and I don't want to lose sight of who I am or change drastically because of sex. I have those very real fears that I must face. That is a big thing to ask of me.

One other reason, other than the understanding and relief of someone talking about the stigma, is that I wished I had been brought up somewhere like the Netherlands or the places in Oregon they showed where people do treat it as something normal. I wish that I had been brought up somewhere where that kind of community still existed. In the United States that I know, the life of the community is dying. It is dead in some places altogether. There is no communal understanding or looking out for each other. There are no ties to the community, only the busy lives of the individual. Without the community, we place a huge burden on our friends and families. If they cannot help us, we are lost. There is also this disconnection with the rest of the world because of the lack of community. The sense of purpose or freedom is limited. Perhaps that is just my view but the death of our nation is coming from the lack of a sense of community.

( BTW the movie was "Let's Talk About Sex" and it is available for instant streaming. I highly recommend it )