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Why do i feel so sick?
I have a few ..I dunno...Problems i guess. I'm afraid of what my best friend in the whole world might turn out. Hell she might lose friends...at the rate she's going. She's changing....And in some instances..I feel she's going downhill...Down through a path..I can't follow......She's changed...And i'm not the only person who thinks she's turning out badly because of it. I frankly don't care what her new friends think...But isen't it your old friends you look forward to being with. Listening to their advice...and so on. I'm afraid she's too thick headed sometimes that she won't listen to me..... Won't take my opinion totally to heart when i say...that somethings wrong. That the road she's heading to is to her own downfall. And that i may not be around to help her back up, mainly by the way she acts when around all of our friends. I'm glad in some instances she's the same. That makes me very happy.....But the changes are there......And they're making me ill. I mean i feel like i hardly know her anymore..... She's not the same person..when she's around our friends..... She feels fake...like she's trying to be something she's not..... Trying to act a certain way......And our friends are noticing it too.... I don't know what to do....I don't know what to think! Is she trying to lose her friends?...or is she.....Simply unaware that her actions effect on the ones closest to her?...That we notice these changes more so than anyone else?.... I need some help in this..... I can't seem to work it out on my own.... Can't seem to figure out what to trust in her either....I mean ...sure there are a few things i know she wouldn't do on purpose....But ....with other things...I'm not so sure.....i want to believe her.....Truely...i do......but with things the way they are right now.....I ...i can't seem to clear my head...Can't seem to see what's the lies she says mainly to make me feel better.......I don't want lies.....Lies apon lies...and nothing to save my soul from thinking that the truth you keep secret from me ...is more devistating with every blow you make....... I want the truth.....i want to hear from you that i have been mistaken...That the one i care for is still there....and not lost in the web you spun...of deciet....For i feel decieved.....made a fool of...that deep down you never once cared for the things we shared ......things i, mainly, shared, in the beginning.......You ....feel so far away from me......it hurts...everything bloody well hurts ....Ah look at me....I'm changing who i'm try to write to here.....I'm so messed up right now....it's effecting how i function...... I can never say all the things i want to......i have to weave them into words...or pictures...and even then....nothing seems to turn out right....... I simply want this horrible nightmare to end....... i never wanted to question her actions.....but when my eyes were opened....... my feelings took over...... told me things that nearly shattered everything.... That the decietful girl my parents warned me about is now standing right next to me in my heart.....i fought so hard for the fact that i felt they were wrong....... but in this instance.....i can see it.....see the decietfulness that was there from the start......just opened up in a hideous bloom of realization............ Never more..what it was before.......... i feel so shaken........ i can't figure out anything........... Is she telling me the truth?....Or simply spinning lies so that she leaves me there happy and totally obliviouse?..........Or am i simply paranoid?.......... I hate not knowing...... nothing's resolved..... nothing has been able to calm these thoughts of mine......If you wanted conficence.....why not try gaining it from the friends who are concerned?..... Are they not important to you?......Am i not important to you?........... I know i haven't said many things that would boost ones confidence...especially lately...... but i miss that girl i loved so much.............. I miss her so much......it brings me to tears to feel like i can't console my heart....... drive my thoughts to think.....that i was mistaken.... that i was wrong............. That she would listen....when in truth....... she doesn't....never thinking about it.....THinking about the consequences ...Or that maybe that things aren't as nice as they should be.....to have her see her own mistakes that we have layed out for her.........For, before she realizes that they are indeed mistakes....it'll be too late....... I don't want that.....i don't...i want her to see these things now.......To correct herself....... before the damage grows...and there's nothing for her but her new friends.......... THe ones she says i would rather hate........ and she's becoming them....... I can see it....She may not...But i do......... And she won't listen.......either that or she listens.... and never fully lets it be known.......... making me believe that she's spinning more and more lies.............. I hate being this way........ i want to change it........ I really do....and well if she doesn't want the change....... then i can at least say that ...she shouldn't be the way she is with her new friends....for it's not tolerated with me....... i want her to read this...........i want her read it........ I don't know if she'll even awknoledge what's written here......... or simply take it for granted..... take me for granted........ And simply look away with indifference......... for i feel that's the person she's become........ Not the person i once knew.....anymore....... (if you have read this.........my love....please let it be known....respond to it.........don't hide and bottle things inside...... i want to hear everything....even if there's harshness in your words........ i want to hear it so that i may be able to help......... please.... i want to help you......don't hide from me........please...)( Sadness locked in the thoughts of anothers deciet....... Of the paraniod thoughts i seem to keep..... The truth lies somewhere.........i can't find it......will you help me?...... Or simply turn away from me? Running away from all that may and could be........something wonderful...in the end.......Lost in dark horizons....... Never finding the light....For there is no tunnel here.....Locked in with despair........ Nothings ever fair.........in the lost sea of despair...........I am here for you......just as surely you are there for me....... But will you cast your arms to the side when i fall.......Letting me drop further into this well .......Of tears....and shattered dreams........I would never......... let you fall forever...ever.......please open up to me....... Let me see you.....so that i may help you.....take my hand.......and we'll fly together.....forever...)
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