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3-22
Ugh. That damned fight. Like a bloody war.....
Guess it's my own fault for not just moving on. It's done, damage dealt, dead collected. Nothing else left. So I shouldn't feel depressed over it. I shouldn't feel depressed over anything online. And yet, I do, am.
I hate waking up. Would have rather to keep dreaming about drowning kittens. That sounds weird. And terrible. But it's not like what it sounds like XD
Ugh. Trying to set a date for anything is ridiculous. So much 'joyous family bonding time'. Yeah right. More like sleep for a day in a clean, uncluttered room that isn't three sizes to small for us, then arguing and/or pouting for the rest of it. But I really don't care since it's Germany. Now that it's closer, I've decided it's a good thing that we're not going to England. For one, I'd probably cry, a second would be I'd pick back up my accent in an hour and i just got rid of it last year, third, it'd be taunting. Though I still wanna go X3
I'll settle with Germany, Netherlands, Belgium, and France. Ugh I better not pick up an accent from there. Probably will. Get one from Andrea after a weekend. Damn. Oh well. Hopefully it's not too bad. Americans and voice reconition software were finally starting to understand me D:
Lol i'll probably pout over that. Speaking german's gonna be a pain. Translating it to english i can do pretty well, but english to german? Nope. At least I can say the words. Mum said Kirch like Kirsch, and Kirchstrasse is very different from Kirschstrasse XD cherry street. Lol. Lazy american anglo-saxon tongues have issues with german. You have to have a trained ear for accents (which you get from 2yrs of forcing in or out an accent) to make it easy. Course you still gotta practice getting it right.
Omg i could wring noah's neck! We were trading pot shots(two or three nights ago maybe. Just remembered) and he said that he doesn't call me whore(which he does >.> ) he calls me bisexual (yet to figure out how that's supposed to be an insult)
But mother was right there between us. She of course said the usual, my daughter is not bi. I coulda swore she was gonna ask the question when she looked at me. How she didn't see the panic and doubt plastered on my face is beyond me. But she didnt ask! So i just sat there not breathing, probably without a pulse for close to two minutes until she left.
It's like he wants me to get in trouble. He saw how she reacted when she thought he was gay and how she reacts when he calls me bi, why woild he sabotage me. b*****d. Bloody blooming b*****d. I'll get him for that. I no longer let his little challenges slide. He needs to grow up.
Bit late to be writting, hell might've already, but that boy is getting on my last nerve! That's the fourth time he nearly outed me. I already told him she didn't even want to know! Can't he leave it be?
-sigh- unfortunately my ability to black mail him is over. I have his 21yr old gf, he has my sexting (though the 1up's with xeno he saw doesn't really count as such. Especially in comparison) we're even. But now he has my damned sexuality. Not fair mad i can't bloody help it! Been trying for years! I just can't. I can't believe he would use this against me. That ******** a*****e. The unappreciative whelp. All the s**t i got him out of or took the fall for when we were younger and not only does he deny it, he black mails me. Then strikes a low blow.
We might be moving. Again. Don't know if they're serious this time. Stopped getting my hopes up nearly fives ago. This mornings walk was depressing. I was thinking about moving and how shea doesnt want to leave her friends and how i wasn't much older than her when we moved from england (and other stuff, but train of thought is focusing on the move part). Then i thought about Guild War III. lol. Lame. Anyways, it got me thinking how everyone i know has someone they've been friends with since elementry school or something, someone they're close to, someone they can talk about anything to ya know?
I won't ever have that. Can't tell my kids how i've been friends with someone since i was their age. The thought used to not bother me. Does now. We stayed places just long enough to make friends, then ripped away. The 8th grade isn't the time to be making lifelong childhood friends or some crap.
I knew when i decided to homeschool through highschool i'd regret my decision dearly when i was in my junior or senior year. Did it anyway. I was right. I do regret it. But at the same time, i don't. I know that it was best this way despite it all.
Same with moving. It.....well. It sucks that i moved away as soon as i made friends, but moving was for the best to. Sometimes your personal wants, whims, and feeling are insignificant and you have to be able to step back to see the bigger picture to decide anything. Course that kind of emotionaly detached thinking fuels my indecisiveness and makes people think i'm a cold b***h. And putting of a façade of stone in a cement building filled to the brim with people makes people see death in my eyes like i'm some kinda soul collecter or Charon himself. ******** imposdible to deal with people. No idea how people can stand being in the same place, around the same people for do long. Sick of this place by the third year here. Another six years later, half my life wasted here.
Ugh. I ******** up with shea. Hopefully she forgets about it. I talked to her about moving. I was being bitter and said more than i should've and tried fixing it the rest of the way to school. Apprently, didn't work.
People calling me names never bothered me. Excluding liar of course. But i never understood why people called someone a whore. Few times do they know anything about them. Especially me. What kind of information could they have to jump to the irrationale conclusion of naming me a whore? Course if they knew me, they'd definitly call me a whore and probably a few others they don't use, but really? Whore the majour one, but there's others. Just throwing random insulting words at someone is totally meaningless. They only sting if you can prove it or have.
Guess that's not totally true. I mean being called a liar hurt even when i was little. Course then it was 'cuz i was accused of lieing when i wasn't. Always me. Noah never got accused of lieing when he said we were twins, or that we moved from england. But me? After i mention the two everything i say is deemed a lie. Always was a people person. Lucky b*****d should get into politics. Especially now that he's a better liar. He'd be bloody brilliant if he just learned to keep 'em short and simple. He always adds to many details.
Example. He tried to hide his semester report card. Told me he couldn't find it. Though he threw it away beacuse he was using it to practice painting techs like blending and leveling on. Then he went on about the colours, what for, what was on what, sheesh. Far too much. A simple 'i think i recycled it cleaning out my backpack' would have been simple and believable. Actually throwing away the report card woulda helped too.
Not the point.
Nevermind, wasn't one. I'm just jumping from s**t to random s**t. Most of it is repetitive, my apologies. The same issues come back again and again so i'll probably end up writting about them a lot. Hopefully from different aspects or emotions, but i make no gurantee it won't be copy&paste like.
-sigh- don't know what to do. I've 'drifted' away from everyone it seems. When I do get to talk to them, it's hard.
That's hard. Keeps popping up through out the day reminding me. I take one brake over new years last year and a fight broke out in ds. And thus the chips settled. Both for the guild and me. I've never been on the way i had before then, and the guild was never the same after that fight.
I should never have followed that link. Never. I thought it was worth it, but it's not. Months, maybe years, of agony is not worth a couple months of happiness.
Wonder where in the cycle i am....still in the 'after' i bet. Feels it.
Lol deja vu. These things are far too alike. Can't tell if what i write is from a dream or if i've actually written it before.
 BSPBleach · Fri Mar 23, 2012 @ 08:14am · 0 Comments |
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