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The fact that I am able to sleep the whole day away just shows to me that I'm not over it. I'm not quite okay. I'm getting there.

You must be wondering what goes on in my head and why it's such a big ******** deal... Well I made a decision i regret, no big deal. The big deal is that I can see him in my mind touching me and I can feel in my hands how his body was. Anytime I think of drinking, I get sick to my stomach. I loathe myself in this way because I cannot escape these images and reminders of my mistakes. They are stuck there until I can accept. Yes, I did that. Yes, I can learn. It's over. I just need that to set in. I don't know if there is a way to deal with that or speed it up. I know I'm processing and reflecting. It makes me think about what I will do in the future or if it happens again. It certainly does hurt. If you can't understand how I feel about it, perhaps you shouldn't be saying that I need to just be over it.

So... with the little story thing on the side, it's been decided that it's a false hope bringer. Yet again, it is me wishing and accepting these wishes as a reality, WHICH IS NOT TRUE. So.... I'm letting my imagination define what is real and what actually happened. My memories are being tampered and used against me. I twisted it so that we are on another plane. Ha. Everyone thinks I'm being overdramatic when I write about you or tell stories about you, but almost all of my high school friends really did have problems. Big problems. I had friends who were hit by their parents on a regular basis. Others who were outcast for their sexuality. I had another that has druggie parents so she had to live with her grandparents. Another had such overprotective parents that she couldn't have friends over unless they were there to study and even then it was like one hour time limit. Drama is life. My life is dramatic. I am dramatic ... but that doesn't mean I'm a liar or that I over exaggerate everything.

Y'know. I got to thinking.... is it really such a weird thing that I have a spiritual connection with the moon? I mean, what would a future boyfriend say? If he was catholic or christian would he call me a heathen? Would I be outcast or looked down upon? I mean, yea.... I tell my fortune from the moon and sense its cycle. I get high when it is full and even more distant when it isn't there. When I was a kid I actually did rituals and tracked the moon... but that was mostly cause I was obsessed with Inu-Yasha as a kid XDDD