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yeah.... after he left all of a sudden after a while of texting while i was asking for permission to call... i wonder if he just shut me out... like seriously... i wanted to talk to him about it... geez...

you know.... i dont think he gets it since he keeps saying he wont talk to them.... i am only asking at least look at me from time to time if you're talking to them.... well then again... i be more affected if you turn back after.... ah nevermind... forget it....

all this pain is not worth it.... if your friend is there, dont talk to me or it will hurt.... and dont be near me so i can think for myself instead....

heh... and today when i called you... when im being serious... you didnt want to stop and didnt want to listen.... you complained when i said to forget it and that i wont mention it....

ill say it here since he doesnt want to listen to me....
okay... here's what i think.....
i have two sides of thoughts.....
---one.. is obviously only thinking about him in good ways.. not knowing what he's doing, but happily imagining anything and still have him in mind... thinking of nothing bad to happen... and believing in him with all the trust it has.....
---another one... the bad side.... the darkness trying so hard itself to come out of me... showing me the bad things he could do.... making me think bad.... negative things.... no trust in this side.... thinking he will absolutely leave... im not an interest to him.... that he doesnt really love me nor will he ever think of me.....

i dont get why i have both sides with me... i dont get why i would..... the darker side is overpowering... too much wanting his attention.... so much it will hurt him.... i wish i could stop.... one side is probably the loving and caring side... but the other is the selfish and jealous side............ why do i have to have that........ to keep myself safe...?

i probably am in my own shell... to protect my feelings from harm... hiding from danger..... on the inside... there i am... cuddling to myself and all the happy things i could think of and do within.. contented and satisfied.... and while the shell protects me.. i dont see anything...... though once i risked it and went out knowing i will get hurt.... the darkness comes out to show what will happen to me.... to show that the world is all bad... that i should just stay inside and indifferent to other people and their feelings...... while the caring side wishes to be happy.... i risked my feelings going with someone... even though i know the consequences when they will talk to other female like i..... and when i felt that pain.... i overreacted and went against the kind emotions and into the darkness.... i ran straight into it..... then i calmed after a while.............. later long on... i tried my best to conceal the darkness.... the darkness.. i soon found out was pain... pain that was making me strike the anger.... making my chest hurt so.... so then... i tried so hard to seal it up.... acted everything was okay... that the jealous side didnt come up... but it tried to push its way out that it showed a bit... but i was able to push it down some more........ and finally.... this day of yesterday... the day i cried.... my feelings poured out that i held in my heart so much.... i held it all in.... feeling all the same pain that has hurt me so much.... so much... i hated myself..... i cried so much for attention.... at the least a glimpse... or the hold of my hand... even the slightest squeeze... to make my heart calm down.... i couldnt take it...... you didnt do anything to reassure me.... not even pet me at the least.... i felt as if you didnt want me there.... wanted me to not even talk so that you can be with another..... why cant you just do what you want so i can just bandage my heart and hide back into my shell of happiness.... hiding from all fears of the world.... the fears people give me.... the happiness they stripped me from...............

i will never forget how my heart hurt.... the dark side has tried to push you away to make sure it tries to protect me from my naiiveness..... i wish i couldve hidden in my shell and not talk to you.... but in my heart... the kind side wishes to hear and see you again... to feel you.......

my heart cannot choose..... a dark purple aura has already been build around my light... dropping tears... i cannot turn back to what i have done...