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I don't know where to start as I'm now in deep thought. I feel lost again even with more then 45 things are running in my head but it's this feeling again. I had this feeling feel times but its not something you'll understand but unless you understand then I guess I'll welcome you once more to my life and how I am... or what I am? I guess it's something I deal with as a person that I am. Like my dislikes and likes but I mostly hate everyone as no one understands. I hate when people say I do but when they do understand they always see you differently not the same. I seen to understand like if I just turn into a monster in fort of them or I'm already a monster in the eyes of someone else. Like few times I hate being right and I hate my six sense. It's something that helps me and I do mean help me a lot.. I mostly hate the fact that people try to make my own choices. It's not your life to take and understand or even try to define I am who I am but I don't want to be someone you want. . It's gross and pisses me off with a word of confusion to see people do that.
I was right on what happen and they're broken up. If you're asking what? I don't even I should just keep my mouth shut.
Now I'm hearing new with my brother and mother about crap I don't understand then again it's greed that shows. Money? That's whats going on. Lots of people are like that even now I see it. but it's not what I'm talking about it's mostly my choices that I don't understand like this cold feeling and hard nights trying to sleep.

I haven't been eating right one meal a day is what going on but a sandwich is all I been eating this week. Does make me think? Now I seen to gain some attention on some people. The people around me feel like they're acting wired.
It's like I just woke up in another word and the person that's me is acting out of character. I guess it's go figure. I was baby sitting and I shown this kid an anime that I liked but he didn't understand the language I could understand that but I shouldn't show him this type of stuff.

I just notices I enjoy watching people going into self destruction by a choices they made. Like I said I hate being right about few times but I hate the fact I feel like I'm not myself when I'm on this phase staring down people.
Before I forget I had another of those dreams but what if dreams become reality? I guess in away I'm losing sense of reality and my life itself is a dream. I feel like crying few hours ago but maybe cause I feel like I done something wrong but it starting to hunt me. Slowly... slowly... slowly eating me alive.
How can you wake up in a dream that has no end? I told someone that at the weekend with my friends when we're talking about few things. They can already tell I been going through hell already. Tired eyes, another deep depression and talking nonsense. I guess that's me somehow but all I can at that time is when well it end?

My mom told me while back that I died when I was baby. Yes, she drop me when I was a kid but I always died by a cat. She told me I couldn't breath because a hair. Go figure. . .When I was in collage few years back we we're talking about zombies but I was thinking about it but if you died and come back to life you are a zombie right? I don't remember her telling if my heart stop but I do feel like a zombie. What am I talking about? We're all zombies. I mean think about it. What are you doing with your life? It's the fact that we're all bored but we don't have the knowledge to know a truth or a greater truth. I'm not talking about related to religion wise I'm talking about our lives. I mean like this.. what if everything we know it is a lie. Everything is a joke.. I think I said that before didn't I? No. . I did say this as an everyday life style "What is truth could be a lie." Then when people slap religion I don't want to bash but it does goes with a question on how or why? When you hear stories in some of it that somehow it lies a hidden truth or a fact that people don't see. Wait . . something that man told me when I was at the rehab center was talking about how the whale could be a sub because it's impossible to stay in a whale and live.
I'm sorry but I feel like I'm losing myself again.

I'm thinking about something but I feel like a guru when some people did ask me or want to talk to me. No, that's not true but I do question people lots of time. before I stop ranting and mumbling about crap that you guys think it may be interesting but I'm not interesting. I'm just someone whos going into another phase or type of insanity and angry of the world as someone is not letting me died. I don't want to die but I notices I almost died few times in many places. I do not know why but I think I did died so does that make me a zombie? NO WAIT! near death experience that's what it is! I remember a cb'er that with to war that had a near death experience but he change is that what I need? a change? I can't change something that can turn to good? bad habits you know I am losing myself. I might always just go to sleep and wake up with another train of thought even I just woke up around 4:10 pm slept the whole day feeling like s**t. I hope this doesn't change or maybe I hope I don't change.
~Ayame

ps

I miss wearing a dog collar not a furry phase but I miss wearing collar around my neck. It never was a phase just a thought you should know. . I guess