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What's the point in it ?

I'm not sure if it's even worth hoping on anything, or at the very least, for me anyway. Every time I start to hope or I get a little positive that things will get better and change, it all comes crashing down on me. So honestly, I don't know if it's worth my time to hope anymore.

Then again, maybe I'm just one of those people who don't deserve happiness.

I'm starting to think I'm not meant to have have any happiness, or not for a very long period of time. My life has been miserable since I was little, so why assume I'm meant to have a better, happier adult life ? Simple. My life has gone downhill and I mean downhill. Every time I turn around, something is happening to make my life a hell hole, so I guess I'm meant to be miserable until I die.

Of course if I had any guts, I'd end the misery here.

Life just doesn't seem worth living anymore, but because I'm a chicken and because there's a couple of people who I love dearly and don't want to see them mourn over my pathetic life, I can't get the guts up to end my life. So kudos to you two who are keeping my pathetic life in existence.

Of course aside from those two, I highly doubt anyone would honestly miss me if I was to drop dead right now.

Seriously. I was offline for about 6 months to a year, and out of the friends I had here at that time, only 1 actually missed me. Hell, I house sat for my uncle for about a month in '09 and not even my parents missed me. Well, my mom did a little bit, but that was it. My dad didn't, nor did my handicapped sister, who everyone says loves and likes me. Of course I absolutely know, 100% that my sister didn't miss me for the sheer fact that she hates me.

How do you know she hates you when she's handicapped ?

Simple, even though she can't talk. If I get near her or sit beside her, she starts to cry. I leave, she's right as rain. And before you, like so many others, say that it's all in my head. It's not. So don't even go there.

Ok. That is weird.

I know it is. And wanna know something else ? It's because I'm not worth wasting time on. In fact, I bet if you were to track down and ask the people who used to bully me, why they did it, they would probably tell you they done it because I'm not even worth getting to know. The only people who have gotten to know me, I'll never figure out. I'm not worth knowing and I'm not worth hoping for.

What do you mean you're not worth hoping for ?

Easy. I'm a lost cause. I'm miserable all the time and tend to bring other people down with me. Plus, the things people hope for, for me are like wishes or something. They're things that'll never happen and I know they'll never happen, but people still hope for and believe in me, when I'm not worth it. I'm not worth spending time and energy on, and I'm surprised people haven't figured that out yet.

You need some serious help to raise your self esteem, confidence, and to help you quit being depressed and quit writing these damn journal entries people don't want to read.

Wanna know something ? These "damn journal entries" are my serious help. I don't have the thousands of dollars to go to an actual psychiatrist, so I write here, to make myself feel a tiny bit better. And wanna know something else ? If you don't want to read these types of entries, STAY OUT OF MY JOURNAL and hit the back button while you're at it, cause I ain't gonna change what I'm doing and I probably won't ever change to be a person that write mushy gushy crap in my journal or to have entries that are plastered with happiness. I'm a person who honestly shouldn't exist, but for some damn reason I do. Oh, wait. I know why I exist. Bullies needed a worthless person to harass, and everyone else needed a worthless person to shove around, and have that person bring them down. It's nice to know that I have a itty bitty purpose in life. NOT !!! I'm here because I'm meant to be a living example of a miserable life, and to give a gentle little nudge to everyone else so they'll have happier lives.