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I'm going to spill out alot of...unsaid feelings so yeah. This is going to be a bit hard.

You can probably guess what I'm going to talk about. The topic that I think and talk about most. food love.

If you've guys faithfully have read my journal since I started it until now, then you have probably have seen me mention a boy named Brian. If not, this boy was my first actual boyfriend. We stayed together for 2 strong years until I broke up with him because I was a total ********. In 8th grade I wasn't particularly in-tune with other people's emotions..well..actually, while I was in middle school entirely, I wasn't really concerned about what other people were thinking. I was a selfish person, basically. So..yeah. I ruined a perfectly good relationship. And the guilt sometimes eats me alive.

My relationship with Brian wasn't only my first real one, but it was a real pain in the a**. He wasn't. Everyone else was. I was dating the boy that everyone made fun of. Just cause..he was him. I didn't understand. Everyone told me all these bad things about him. And I just didn't see them in him. I was slowly being pulled towards their way of thinking, I tried to see him in their perspective, as this detestable guy. I couldn't. I just..couldn't. He didn't do drugs. He didn't cheat on me. He didn't flirt with anyone else. He wasn't even that annoying. The only thing that I could see that was wrong with him was that..he wasn't too skinny and he wore glasses, and he tried to make friends with people..and people thought he was being..annoying, I guess.

Anyways..in 8th grade, I was influenced by all these ******** people. All. These. ********. People. And I grown to hate him. Why? Because everyone else was. 8th grade was my blindest year. I was so unaware to everything. Now that things have been made clear and I've seen my mistakes and how I hurt people, it..it just eats at my heart.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to get back with him, because I'm in love with someone wonderful. But..readers..have you ever had a first love that you aren't with? Most of them didn't last as long as mine. The feeling you get of falling in love for the first time, you just don't seem to get that back anymore. The feeling fades and isn't as intense anymore. I explored with Brian. We both learned things together, and...we seemed to be unbreakable..until I decided to go along with the crowd.

I made my first love to being so happy to so miserable. Just like I did to almost everyone I love. I'm kind of changing subjects but..heh..I'm crying like a baby right now. My biggest insecurity is the fact that I think..that I'm just this really terrible person. I hurt, ruin, tear apart everyone that I love. Unintentionally. And sometimes..even intentionally.

Gah..I..I don't have anyone to talk to about this..I wish I had someone who would listen.

~Vanessa