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After two cancellations due to system problems, I finally got my meeting with a therapist. Good for me! I might keep a record of what we talk about for my own benefit. The first meeting was basically like why are you coming into therapy and what was your past stuff. The two subjects that I cut him short on were the hallucinations from my past and the grandfather thing... I didn't even tell him till I knew that our time was over about the grandfather thing. I have to keep lying about my schooling and it hurts to be like that. Imma ask the guy who referred me if I really need to lie cause it's not good for me. I don't want to lie. It just opens the idea that I can lie in therapy and that's not okay.

I've had dreams every night thus far and it's wonderful. Yesterday I had a depressive episode where I played KH2, even though I knew it would hurt. I watched him die again. I thought it might be good for me to see so that I get stronger against the possibility but it didn't do anything but make me sad. I stared at my wall for an hour after that. I just sat in my room, listening to music and staring at the wall. Idiotic. Well, it helped anyway. I slept with Spades and got through it. It came at a cost that I wasn't allowed online yesterday. I was supposed to recover from the depressive stuff two days ago but s**t went down on here and I needed to be online, but I really should not have come online.

I feel a bit guilty about what I write about in here, but I'll remind you and myself that this is my journal and it's supposed to be for me! I'm supposed to be able to write in this. I should accept responsibility if I write things that are dangerous or hurt people but I should not need to feel guilty about writing out my thoughts and feelings at the time in here. Please keep in mind that you are reading things that are personal and I will remind myself that I made this public so people are allowed to read this. People are allowed to react and such. I just, don't want my friends to be annoyed about what I write about. I don't talk about it all the time with you for a reason and this is the place that I can talk about those things. I don't want to burden you and that's half the reason I am even going into this therapy stuff.