What I want
I have been in a horrible state for the past year if not more..and I have come to the conclusion.. I need a CHANGE.
My life is one big merry go round. I get up, get ready for school ,go to school, come home for lunch, go back to school for one class, walk home, go on the computer, have dinner, stay on the computer a bit longer, watch a bit of TV, then go to bed..
And as sad as it is to say.. I hope for the days where I can have even the slightest change.. like missing one period of school because atleast thats something different.
It's not even that what I am doing is boring.. it's just not what I want..
so now to the point of what I do want..
I want to be able to look in the mirror and see myself looking how I want to look.. and not the way I tell myself I want to look..
I want to want to go to school, because I want to learn something I enjoy and not have to think about all the other stresses of my life.
I want freedom. To be able to go somewhere without having to say that I am.. and most importantly .. freedom to be me and to say what I want to say without worrying about how it might hurt someone..
Right now I have none of that and it sadly is because of one thing..
Me..
I'm not a selfish person..
I don't care about myself enough..
never in my life have I had a day where I was pampered..
which is weird I'm sure for a 15 year old to want instead of a mother..
but it would just be nice to be looked after and cared about..
but aside from that in order to get what I want I have to be selfish.. and that means..
people who i care about.. are going to be put 2nd instead of 1st..
That means I won't be on everyday and I might not say why.. and it's my choice if I want to say or not..
And if you don't like what I am doing I'm sorry but then I don't need you in my life.. because odds are if you don't want whats best for me you aren't that big of a loss..
As soon as I get over this flu or w.e I will be starting. Nov 15th 12:26 am- Unknown.
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