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Katie, if you are here, do not read this.












This is killing me. I am dying. I can't say anything. I can't mention ANYTHING.

She is smiling. Just a simple : ) instead of her old grin, the : D that comforted me so much. She greeted me with no exclamation points or emoticon at all.

I am worried.

What if this is the beginnings? It was kind of like this with Kathleen. She never asks about my day. Or what I'm doing. Recently said to Grainne:

I don't like being miserable. Everyday I'm asking myself a thousand times an hour 'Will Katie stop loving me today?' So. Everything she says directly impacts me. If she doesn't smile when she greets me, I worry she's less fond of me. When she doesn't laugh, I worry she doesn't like my sense of humour anymore. And everytime she says something sweet, I always wonder if she means it or if she just doesn't want to hurt me. All I can think of is this song by Kaiser Chiefs called 'Everyday I Love You Less and Less'.

And that's what it comes down to. If Katie decides that the pain I brought her is not as much or ever just less than the happiness she finds with me, she will cut me off from her. She will stop sending me pictures, stop e-mailing me, and eventually avoid me altogether until she is completely through with me. She will make it a habit to sleep while I'm online and then stay up late after I go to bed. She will have no enthusiasm in conversation, will barely hold any conversation at all. She will mention nothing and give one word responses to everything.

But how could this be? How could it come down to this? Am I not a good enough person for Katie to still love me beyond this? Was seeing me more important than I myself am? I admit I am needy, obsessive, jealous, etc, etc. but. But what? I don't know. I thought Katie was able to get past all of that and still love me dearly. Yet something so simple as waiting another year repels her, she would have nothing to do with me unless she could have it a specific way.

Needless to say, I'm crushed. Both in esteem and emotion. I am terribly needy right now, and I can't ask her for anything (even though I do anyway) or she will become suffocated and will back off. A single comment can send me plummeting. I don't want to tell her about crying.

I just want things to be like they were.