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I've thought about this and pondered this for so long and i have to get this out of my head. It just bounces around in there sometimes and it drives me nuts. I have a tendency to dwell on things that I don't understand and I most assuredly have not understood a lot of things that have happened over the last year. It's been a confusing and upsetting year, at times. Other events have been very sweet and wonderful. I can leave the bad in the dust, but only after I purge it from my head.

So, really, what it comes down to is you. You know who you are and I shan't name you because you don't deserve naming. It took me a long time to figure out what bothers me so much about you. I finally pinpointed it, though. You're a ******** hypocrite. You say that looks don't mean anything, yet you obsess over your own. You worry incessantly about your MILD physical issues. And, yes, I say MILD. There's people out there missing limbs, disfigured faces, bodies ******** eight ways to sunday and they manage better with their physical issues than you are managing yours. In all reality, 98% of your issues are superficial.

Not only do you obsess over your own looks, you make physical aspects a major part of what you look for in people to fall in love with. And, boy oh boy, you are always on the look out for someone to fall in love with. Sure, you say it doesn't matter. But that's all you rave about and show pictures of. And, God help the man that loves you and doesn't fit into you misconceived notion of what your perfect man should be. Brush them off, ignore them until they go away. Sure. Because people are expendable, right. Use them and throw them away.

Hearing you refer to someone as a "go to man when I have an itch", that was something else entirely. The man is beside himself, loved you, and all you could say was that? Sweet.

You've left a trail of broken hearts behind you. There's always an excuse, there's always something that's not "right" or something you don't like. There's always the caveat that you told them you weren't looking for anything serious, it was just a mutual itch scratching. You flirt and "roleplay" and mess with their heads and hearts. Then, when you tire of them or when a new toy (man) catches your eye, you drop them like a rotten fish, ignore them, move on................until you are tired of the new toy. Then you might be back. But then you leave again.

And, so, you leave them hanging in limbo. They love you or want you, then they hurt, they halfway heal, and then you're back. Hooking them again. They want you, they can't have you, but you won't let them go and let them forget you and move on to find someone that will love them and accept what they have to offer.

Three. That's the number of men that used me to distance themselves from you. Three times, I had to put up with the bullshit. That's three times too many. The first one didn't, perhaps, purposely intend to use ME, but that's how it fell out. The second one did it on purpose. The third one, it was half accidental and half not. I won't go so far as to post msn conversations, those are private. But he was fed up.

And, through it all, you managed to keep it in your head that it was all me. I was chasing after "your" men. I was jealous, envious, threatened by you. And, what, really, do I have to be jealous of or threatened by? You don't have anything I want. I never went after anything that was yours. Anybody that has ever spoken to me, flirted with me....they have contacted me. I don't send PMs, I don't comment profiles, I rarely even go out of my way to talk to people I don't know. If I send gifts, I will almost always send them anonymously. So, basically, by showing up and saying "heya", I am flirting and trying to steal your men? Though, really, how you can own these men is beyond me....but that's beside the point.

No, you don't have anything I want.

Am I perfectly happy? Of course not. But I have the things in my life that I need and some of the things that I want. And that's a lot more than a lot of people can say.

You say that I don't know what you're going through? I have a fair idea. I have similar physical issues. Well, the superficial ones. I don't like them, wish I didn't have them. But I deal with them and I don't let them define me.

I won't get into the other issue. Needless to say, we don't see eye to eye on that one, either.

The most aggravating thing is that, no matter what I said to you, how many times or in however many ways, you always managed to not understand it. Misinterpret. Twist it in your head until it fit what your opinion of me is. I once told my husband that I could tell you it was raining, you'd look out the window and say, "What the ********? It's raining! Why'd you tell me the skies are clear?" You consistently imposed what you thought I meant onto what I really meant. Or, rather, what you thought I should have said/thought. Which rarely jived with what I really thought or said. It was like talking to a funhouse mirror. I would say something and it would be repeated back to me in a distorted and ******** up reflection of what I originally said. I still don't understand how someone could have misunderstood me so much of the time in such a terrible fashion. It's not as if I'm speaking a different language than you are. I'm not typing in wing dings, for the love of Christ....

Oy, this is all I can do for tonight. I know there's more bouncing around in this head of mine, but I'm tired. I worked all day and it's getting later in the evening. I'll get back to this some other time.

But I leave you with these lyrics from The Urge "Dirty Rat"

Don't ever turn your back on a dirty rat
She'll sell you out, man, I can vouch for that
She'll turn to you when it's time to cry
Then take the truth and tell a flat out lie!