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I conspire against fate...
I really don't know what is up with my so-called fate right now...
I want to get a good look at my chart and see exactly what other bullshit other than the current variety my higher self has written. I definitely wouldn't have written in most of this stuff that has happened to me. I don't know what the ******** I was thinking or if this part of my life is even on my chart, but something's gotta give. I'm gonna find somebody who can go to the hall of wisdom for me and read/reproduce my chart or at least a portion of it. I need to know how this stuff is gonna play out. I am not trying to keep repeating s**t like this over and over again just because it is written. I definitely must know if she is in it or not. It is getting very weird talking to her while she is going on about me being in a relationship with another girl other than her. I just can't fathom that right now. I mean, I was so sure it was destined to happen and its like my preferred destiny was snatched right out from under me and I was stuck with heartbreak. I can't keep wandering blindly into things like this. It's really hurting me at this point. I'm still wondering if she has stumbled upon this and knows what I'm thinking. Ftr, if you have, please say so. It would make everything so much easier than if I were to try to explain it verbally. I'm an English major, but speaking is still not my strong point, especially considering that my mind moves 1000 times faster than my mouth. My words will become jumbled and I'll sound like a ******** retard.
I wonder if Rebbecca Marina can help me with this...
Am I really meant to hurt this bad?
Would things actually be easier if I were to give up now and pursue the life of a mystic traveler? I give Jesus much props on going through with it.
They crucified him, in this day and age, God knows what they'd do to me...
Maybe in the next life, if I do pursue a next life...
Well, if the clock stops sometime in 2100, I should have another lifetime or two left. I just want to leave something behind in this life for my next self to be able to know he(or she) was me. All I know is I don't want to die heartbroken and probably end up stuck on this plain or go through the left door. Lord knows I NEVER want to go there. Still, I have this sneaking suspicion that I was there at one point and an angel came and saved me. I have a feeling that angel came to accompany me in this life as well. Maybe...
well, on to bigger and better things. I will find out my written destiny and I will decided where to go with it on my own. At this point, ******** what my higher self wrote, I'm taking control of this ship and steering it in the direction I want it to go and making my own outcome. And there is definitely going to be a happy ending. Because I refuse to let my story end without one.
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