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I've been thinking of you lately. I dreamed of you last night, and the music I'm listening to reminds me of you. I don't think I'm over you completely. You were so awesome. You cannot be paralleled or compared to any other person I've met. Like I used to tell you all the time, the only way to describe you is by saying, "You're you." There is no other way, no other word to describe you. All other adjectives seem inadequate.
It's sad to think that I treated you so horribly when you did nothing but neglect to tell me that you truly loved me. You never provoked me, you never teased, never told me I could be so much better than I was, you liked me exactly the way I was, you were always real about how you felt or what you thought.
I miss those evenings when I stayed at your house. I hope I didn't annoy you with how often I was over there. I know I asked a few times to make sure, but you always laughed and said you didn't mind at all. I miss the random weekend roadtrips to Ft. Worth for tattoos, and the midnight drives to Chickasha Lake just for the hell of it. Remember when we built the bonfire out of crushed cans and an old couch, then blew up that bottle? I miss the cliff, watching you and Logan jumping from it into the water. Remember the time he wigged out because perch were nibbling his leg? I remember the first time we drove out there after we had broken up the last time. You seemed so much colder than I remembered you. I wanted so much to stay friends with you.
You don't know how much I hurt to think of what I did to you. Now that I've moved out of state, we don't talk, unless it's on Facebook, and you're never on anymore. I've tried to tell you before, but you always tell me not to worry about it. I can't help it. Even though I'm married, I still think that I gave up the best thing I had ever found. Even Erica told me that she never felt threatened by him, but she was always jealous of you because she could see what we had.
I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say it, but it's not like there's anything I could do to make you love me again, anyway. I know it seems pointless, but I want you to realize how much it pains me to think of it. I don't try not to; I don't deserve that peace. I wish there were some way to make you see, and I wish it weren't so confusing.
I want you to know that I do care for you and about you. My mind is a tangled mess, because I know I shouldn't feel this way, especially since I belong to another, but when I think of how we used to be, I know I can't let myself forget that. I think I may have been in love with you. I told Erica that many times, earnestly, but it was never true, and I know that now. She and I were just a high school experiment. I trusted you, more than any boy-girlfriend I've ever trusted.
I knew you better than any other. I consider you to be my first real, serious relationship; Erica and I were a joke. I'm married, yes, but I did this on a whim. I thought it through, but not nearly as thoroughly as I should have. I don't want to forget you, and if he and I ever seperate, my sights will be set on you; I will try as hard as I can to convince you to give me a fourth chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, but I'm not giving up without a fight, or at the very least, without trying.
 ~Progeny Of Darkness~ · Sat May 29, 2010 @ 12:59am · 0 Comments |
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