Alexander J Luthor
lVlel
Alexander J Luthor
Ok. Here we go on eplaining "Smeyer birth".
The above equation is birth in its simplest form. How Smeyer could ******** up such a simple equation... we'll never know. Until we look at the problem head on and just think, not even hard thinking, just "what the hell did she do?"
Smeyer's birth equation:
W-T-F, you ask? So did everyone else. We will start at the beginning.
Reproduction: Edward TOLD Bella sparklepires can't have babies, but for the sake of Bella-sue being perfect, Jacob looking like the biggest a*****e in the world, and screwing over the loyal fans, Smeyer made an exception and broke her own canon* to make this possible.
Sparklepire Anatomy: Aside from them being dead, and therefore unable to have kids in the first place, sparklepires are giant diamonds that shouldn't be able to move without shattering and dying instantly. She claims the reason for the sparklepires not shattering is because their "venom" lubrcates EVERY CELL IN THEIR BODY, and takes the place of every liquid the body needs to function. Bullshit.
What they lack:
Heart beats
Blood
Blood flow
Semen
Warmth
anything and everything needed to make a baby, but a p***s
Blood/Heartbeat: Smeyer says that not only do sparklepires lack a beating heart, but the blood they consume "goes the ways of the old circulation" or some crap like that.
This = Impossible/more bullshit
Ignoring the other impossibilites riddling these statements, without a heartbeat, all of that blood would pool in the sparklepire's ankles. Without a heartbeat, Edward also wouldn't be able to get a proper erection to make babies with.
Venom: Sparklepire venom causes a horrible burning sensation when it enters the bloodstream. We know it causes a massive amount of pain when changing, melts contact lenses after a few hours, and then she added the wonderful nugget that the venom carries DNA as well. Bullshit.
If the vemon carries DNA then there shouldn't be any female sparklepires. The venom visits every single cell and changes it into a tiny facet. This includes eggs. Once the DNA hits the ovaries every single egg would be fertilized and grow, killing the she-pire.
And if this venom/acid takes place of semen as well, it's safe to say that s**t'll burn right through Bella's uterus and kill her/turn her/both.
Sperm: We all know the sparklepires are dead. Knowing that, it should be obvious that they have no sperm. But since we're using Meyer Logic, of course they can have it! In the form of acidic venom/sperm mutation.
But alas, frozen semen needs to be gradually warmed or risk being killed off. Bella's dramatically different body temperature would zap those swimmers like a can of RAID takes care of ants.
It also leads into my next point.
Warmth: Sparklepires are remarkably cold for corpses, which I find ironic. Normal corpses, no matter how cold they are to begin with, will eventually warm up to room temperature. But, seeing as they're sparklepires, they don't. Which also causes a problem.
Sperm, successfully frozen, rests at a temperature of -320.8 degrees farenheit. This means Edward's body temperature would have to be the same, all the time. Bella would die of shock just by touching him, imagine the pain of sex... she would freeze to death from the inside out.
None of this even touches the birthing problems they'd have. Like Nessie having two extra chromosomes in every single logic-defying cell.
I'm going to stop here for any possible questions/comments now.
*Canon: Stone set rules all writers use in their stories, meant to never be broken for risk of making one's self look like a complete dumbass.
Girl(egg) + Guy(sperm) = baby
The above equation is birth in its simplest form. How Smeyer could ******** up such a simple equation... we'll never know. Until we look at the problem head on and just think, not even hard thinking, just "what the hell did she do?"
Smeyer's birth equation:
Sparklepires can't have babies
Girl(egg) + Vampire(venom) = hell-baby
Girl(egg) + Vampire(venom) = hell-baby
W-T-F, you ask? So did everyone else. We will start at the beginning.
Reproduction: Edward TOLD Bella sparklepires can't have babies, but for the sake of Bella-sue being perfect, Jacob looking like the biggest a*****e in the world, and screwing over the loyal fans, Smeyer made an exception and broke her own canon* to make this possible.
Sparklepire Anatomy: Aside from them being dead, and therefore unable to have kids in the first place, sparklepires are giant diamonds that shouldn't be able to move without shattering and dying instantly. She claims the reason for the sparklepires not shattering is because their "venom" lubrcates EVERY CELL IN THEIR BODY, and takes the place of every liquid the body needs to function. Bullshit.
What they lack:
Heart beats
Blood
Blood flow
Semen
Warmth
anything and everything needed to make a baby, but a p***s
Blood/Heartbeat: Smeyer says that not only do sparklepires lack a beating heart, but the blood they consume "goes the ways of the old circulation" or some crap like that.
This = Impossible/more bullshit
Ignoring the other impossibilites riddling these statements, without a heartbeat, all of that blood would pool in the sparklepire's ankles. Without a heartbeat, Edward also wouldn't be able to get a proper erection to make babies with.
Venom: Sparklepire venom causes a horrible burning sensation when it enters the bloodstream. We know it causes a massive amount of pain when changing, melts contact lenses after a few hours, and then she added the wonderful nugget that the venom carries DNA as well. Bullshit.
If the vemon carries DNA then there shouldn't be any female sparklepires. The venom visits every single cell and changes it into a tiny facet. This includes eggs. Once the DNA hits the ovaries every single egg would be fertilized and grow, killing the she-pire.
And if this venom/acid takes place of semen as well, it's safe to say that s**t'll burn right through Bella's uterus and kill her/turn her/both.
Sperm: We all know the sparklepires are dead. Knowing that, it should be obvious that they have no sperm. But since we're using Meyer Logic, of course they can have it! In the form of acidic venom/sperm mutation.
But alas, frozen semen needs to be gradually warmed or risk being killed off. Bella's dramatically different body temperature would zap those swimmers like a can of RAID takes care of ants.
It also leads into my next point.
Warmth: Sparklepires are remarkably cold for corpses, which I find ironic. Normal corpses, no matter how cold they are to begin with, will eventually warm up to room temperature. But, seeing as they're sparklepires, they don't. Which also causes a problem.
Sperm, successfully frozen, rests at a temperature of -320.8 degrees farenheit. This means Edward's body temperature would have to be the same, all the time. Bella would die of shock just by touching him, imagine the pain of sex... she would freeze to death from the inside out.
None of this even touches the birthing problems they'd have. Like Nessie having two extra chromosomes in every single logic-defying cell.
I'm going to stop here for any possible questions/comments now.
*Canon: Stone set rules all writers use in their stories, meant to never be broken for risk of making one's self look like a complete dumbass.
- Alexander J Luthor
