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I had a horrible dream last night.
I lost the one person in the world I can never loose and It snapped me out of my little emo rant.We were in Canada together, Living there apparently close to each other and we were happy.Everyone was there and it was great! It was such a happy dream to start with. Then I was called away with a choice, I needed to come home because I wasn't sure if I could move forward. I had this compass thing that kept asking my questions that I don't like to answer. Things like,"What are you gonna do with yourself? Your worthless." and "Love can't feed you." Which we're all valid points and all since we didn't have much but we were happy. Had a little garden on the tiers and we had tomatos (Even though I hate them) and Strawberries and other little awesome things to keep us with food in our tummies with the wallet stretched thin.
Anyways, I was called back to Missouri. I could make a living but I would have to leave everything behind for a year. You started to cry and I couldn't make you stop. It was heartbreaking. I promised over and over again That I would be back, things would be better, I would come back and make everything nicer for us. You just kept crying saying that you liked it the way it was. As long as we had each other and were happy nothing else mattered in the world. Not money, not what people said. Nothing. But I listened to my head instead of my heart and packed that night to get Back to Missuri so I could make tons of money and provide for us. In the doorway you grabbed my waist and pulled my back and kissed me softly still crying a little.
"I love you, I'll be right back. Wait for me..."
" You know I love you....I'll be here..."
Your wording was off...it was just the way you looked when you said it and you were so sad. You had been begging with me the whole time, fighting me to listen to my heart and stay in our simple paradise together forever. I didn't listen. I thought that if I could just get some money and be better for you somehow (Smarter,Prettier,Richer, Anything to improve myself for you.) It would make things better.
"I love you for you....Don't you understand?"
"I'm doing this for us....Don't worry Babe I love you."
and as soon as I took one step out the door the door slammed shut and I could hear you crying needing me but no matter how hard I kicked or tugged the door stayed closed and didn't open. You were just on the other side crying and saying That I could never come back,Ever.
I woke up when the house started to crumble and turn to stone like the rest of the street had while I was pounding to be let in. It was horrible. Worse then the dream I remember about the glass and being unable to do anything to help. I hated the feeling of not being there for you because of my own selfish insecurities. It made me want to be there for you in the here and now and to not worry about anything at the moment and only know that I do Love you as purely as anyone can. I can't stop loving you just because of all the if's. If I Always listened to all the if's I would miss out on all the wonderful things happening around me at this time and date. I can't dwell in the what could have been and all the negative thoughts.
So I snapped out of my emo state of being.
Got up and picked my a** off the floor and sat down thinking about how much time I wasted worrying about stupid trivial stuff that shouldn't even be thought back on. I love Bianca. I always will. Even if *Knock on wood* We don't work out and something goes horribly ary I will always love her. My first and Only love.
I love Her.
So in the end I guess waking up to knowing that she loves me and I should simply enjoy this feeling and not nit pick it to pieces was the sweetest dream I could have <3
And I can never said it enough but:
I love you.