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It has turned into the present. I miss the old days. When I felt alive. And was happy. That was so long ago. I wonder if that person even exists anymore? Jesus...it's been years since I was happy. Truly happy. I am happy, don't get me wrong. I just haven't been the same since that one summer many years ago. When I had the guts. And was destroyed by a simple answer. It's like drowning. Surrounded by people who can see you. But won't help you. They just watch you struggle. And sit there like goons. I hold my composure but I feel that wall breaking. Breaking under pressure. And I feel that soon, if something dosn't happen to ease the pressure, I will collapse. I am so vurnerable. And there isn't a damn thing I can do to stop it. It's crushing me. And breaking me apart. I just hope that I or someone can save me before I fall apart. Because I am so close to it. I can feel it. Soon, I will be a shadow amongst the phsyical world. There, but not there. And it scares me. The worst thing is, the cause of the pain knows who they are. And that person won't give me that one shot that could save me and make that person's life the best it could get. The sad part is, I can't stop listening to those sad slow songs that people listen to when they break up and are lonly. That feeling won't go away. It's really killing me. God, I want to be happy again. But I can't, no matter how hard I try. Everytime I try someone new, I turn back to her. She's like a drug that I can't get off. Being near her, hearing her, seeing her, touching her, catching her scent...it's more than a rush. Higher than high. It is bliss. Pure, uncut, natural bliss. And it's the same high and excitement of being around her, that kills me. And she knows that no matter what happens, I will always love her. Now matter where I go, I'll always be there for her. And if she ever needs anything...anything at all...no matter what the price...money...freedom...my last breath...I will gladly give it. So she never knows an ounce of sadness. And so she only knows happiness. Never knows pain. Only pleasure. Never knows despair. Only hope. If giving my life will erradicate all horrible scenarios that could happen for her...then I would gladly do it. If it was my life for her happiness, I'd take my life for her. That's how deeply I care for her. If you ever read this...I love you. I always have. I always will. And I will never stop loving you. I love you.


Yours always and forever,
Wheter you like it or not,


James Lee Braun