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Quite a while since I've updated this b*****d, and with Christmas on the way, it means a time for reflection...Been rather busy, so it's understandable. Quite a bunch of things here and there, but I'm not feeling quite inclined to go through each and every notable bit of my life, but eh... Where should I start?

Senior year of High School and I'm already feeling lost in the infinite possibilities at my fingertips. I feel like everything is just rushing past me, leaving me behind to wallow in memories of what could, would, and should have been.

Starting the long confusing trail that just set my world off balance was my Grandfather's death in late June. Still can't get over that, one bit. Looked up to him because he would just be the one person I could talk to. I miss him so much, and I doubt I'll be able to gather up the loss. From there was my painful decision to give up Sunny; another thing I'll never forgive myself for, because every day I feel like I gave up my life right then and there. I was scared when I made the decision; scared for the commitment of my life, and from the loss of my Grandfather. Thinking clearly wasn't quite my priority at that point in time, so I slipped and went for the quick and easy path out. Love lost, I dreamt of a way to change it every single night. Every night I hear the screaming voice, urging me to undo it all, but I know that can never happen now. This is my life now, and no matter how much of a hellhole I put myself in, I have to deal with it. I have to pick myself up off the floor and try to just remember the good memories. I can't change this, and I can never take it back. I can't take this, but for the sake of the continuing game, I'll keep on bleeding.

And with the passing months, I feel like I've slipped ever so further into the shadows. At school I'm slowly being forgotten and casually tossed to the side, and it aches so. All I'd wanted was a nice foothold in everyone's minds...to not ever be forgotten. To be remembered as the subtle protagonist who tries his best to be everything for everyone. Apparently I'm not trying hard enough, because I'm even starting to not care. Quite the cynic, huh?

Hoped for a good and smooth ride through the year, with caring faces all about me, but the odds of that are extremely slim. Each day a new struggle arises, and I don't even want to tackle it. Never gotten rewards for my sacrifices, and each time I try and do the right thing I find out I'm the enemy. I'm in a crowd and still alone... I guess this is why some people turn to drugs to keep away from the truth that oppresses. Were I that weak, I probably would too, but I've got more sense than that. Regardless, I digress. None of my plans seem to come to fruition, so I doubt the rest of the year'll be fine. Christmas'll come as usual, and I'll be happy for a moment, but it'll be one where I'm not with my Granddad... After that my birthday'll come, but it'll be one without the happiness I had with Sunny and the majority of my friends. I'll probably just drive so far away until I get somewhere else...anywhere else. With that I'll have Prom, and the want of only one person to be there with me. Graduation follows, with half my family gone, and after that the confusion of where I'll be, and with whom, and why. My life just feels so full of that unending confusion, and I swear I was so sure of it earlier this year.

In May I was steadfast on being a Doctor, to sacrifice so much and help as many people as I can. I had someone with me to comfort me with the thought, and I couldn't have been happier. When my granddad died I swear the desire was solidified... but ever since then I just feel the weight of it. Will I be able to afford the studies? Will I be a good doctor if I do? Will I care too much? Where will I work to pay for College? Who'll I be with? Would I even want to be with anybody? Everything just keeps building up on my mind, and I swear I just need a nice vacation to the middle of nowhere. I need someone there with me though, because I just need the conscience that can help uncloud my mind.

With how unsure I am, I just can't make up my mind on any decision. It's too late for what I want, and too soon to tell what can be possible. I'm stuck in the middle of nothing, and I feel so damn agitated because it's nothing more than idleness. I pace, and I pace, and I pace, but nothing feels like it's getting closer, so I'll just keep looking.

I just wish I hadn't flicked away that little Angel on my shoulder, because the little Devil I'm stuck with is starting to get what it wants.