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Ok so, um... I guess I should just put a little thing about me in here... since my profile doesn't really um... explain much. and it is going to stay that way.
First this is me:
my picture editing skillz XP
um... if you want to see more picture... click Here
Let me tell you my little story:
I was born May 11th 1993, I was born three months early and I was rushed to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Abington Childrens Hospital where I spent about 2 months there. My birth parents could not afford the medical treatment needed to keep my sister and I alive, so they made the decision to put us up for adoption. We were adopted by a loving older couple in their early 40's and after a bucket load of legal procedures were taken home to a small house in PA. Even though we were out of the hospital, we still stood had a high risk of dying from anything and everything, as well as posing high risks for many other health problems and developmental stunts or defects. Somehow, by the grace of ******** god, my sis and I survived with barely any problems. My child good was good up until I was about 5. I was ostracized by my peers from kindergarten until 8th grade. Teasing and bulling were a daily thing and in middle school i was even threatened and beat up. Almost everyday I would come home crying to my mum about what had happened that day and she would sit there and cry with me for there was nothing we could do, we already went to the school, the school knew what was going on, and they were trying the best they could. My mum, being now in her late 40's early 50's started going through menopause and started spiraling down into a deep depression, around this time is when I hear my mum say, "I just cant take it anymore, I don't know how I can be the mother to these children. I dont want to I cant do this." Hearing that from my own mother made this worse for me, not only was i depressed and had a low self-esteem from what I went through daily at school, I also always blamed myself for my mother depression. I was and still am the bad child, defiant, stubborn, self centered, lazy. But to hear my own mother say that set something off inside of me, and I has set something off in her. She slowly started to become more and more abusive. Verbally at first, then physically; my mother always had anger management issues and she would hit me often when I was little. I was and still am afraid of my mum when she gets mad. But, it was later we found that she was bipolar which was the cause of her violent behavior. As time went on the abuse was got worse at one point i had to go to the hospital to get medical attention after being stabbed, My mom was starting to wear thin as was I. I started slowly slipping away, my judgment was getting cloudy and fights between my mother and I became more frequent, one day after a really big fight, I had enough, I knew I was being abused, I didn't care. I just snapped. I started cutting deep one day, I decided I wanted out. I tried to take my own life, but two seconds before I was going to a stranger hugs me from behind, he was crying. He told me I didn't have to go through this alone, I wasn't alone anymore. I fell to the ground.... we both sat there for an hour just in silence, he never let go of me the entire time. I felt for the first time in a long time that someone actually cared about me. Someone wanted me around... Nathan Grey Lebran, died February 4th, 2008, suicide. I blame myself. He spent all this time trying to save me... I never knew how he felt. I couldn't stop him... but I still wish I had the chance to thank him, or tell him I loved him one last time, maybe he would still be here.... A part of me died with Nate that day, A piece of my heart will never be gained back, the gaping hole is still bleeding. I still wonder why I'm even here. Nate was the only person, my only friend, my best friend, my "brother" He was a person I looked up to for support and guidance. After Nate died, i started cutting again really badly. I didn't care anymore. I lost my reason to live. I wanted out, I tried many times to take my own life but they always failed. Hours turned into days, and days turned into months. I spent 5 days in a mental hospital and since then I haven been in therapy. I'm still looking for reason as to why I'm still here and still question my worth in this world. But things are getting better my mum is on Bipolar medication, My dad is around more often. Nate was the first, but certainly not the last person who was very close to me who has died. I have seen 3 of my firend kill themselves... Nothing can prepare you for a sight like that. The helpless you feel when you here the popping sound then you're friend lifeless body hitting the floor.... blood just everywhere... the pain in your heart... the hope it would just stop beating there. The guilt.... You could have stopped him... but you were too damn slow... I'll never get that sight of seeing that limb bloody body drop to the floor... a frantic parent hurrying up the stairs, the scream of utter devastation.... the crying.... seeing the parents gather the limb body hugging them close.... just crying... just the utter helplessness..... You. Could. Have. Stopped. Him. Why. The. ********. Didn't. You? After that the guilt just killed me.... I never had more of a desire to die, ever. I lay away many sleepless night just praying my heart would stop beating. I stopped eating, i was cutting deeper than ever. I had hit a new low... and I know there would be no coming back. This is the end... But just as I hit that low-Kaitlyn, Scott, and Matt. If you read this, this is for you- I found 3 people that make give me strength to move forward. They are my reason to live. If i needed to I would give my ******** life to save theirs. Matt. Remember our plans for the twin suicide. I cut your wrist you cut mine and we both bleed to death together we talked for hours about how one of us would freak out if the other ones heart stopped beating before the others... Kai, I love you to bits sweetie, you will always have my heart. I will visit you one day and when I do, your ******** a** is mine to hugs and kiss and cuddle I love you. Scott, dear ******** what to say... I love you Scott, you have helped me in ways I don't even show.... Every time we talk i always smile, you always make me laugh and just. You brighten my day so much. I love you, I cant say that enough. You three have given me the strength to bring myself up and go out and make new friends and explore different things. I love you guys and all my friends I cant say enough I ******** love you!
 ClassicFAIL_TM · Wed Sep 09, 2009 @ 10:54am · 0 Comments |
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