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I Corinthians 13: 4-7

And my husband.

They are the only two things that keep me going through this, my love. You have no idea, no clue, not even the twinkle of an inkling how close it is, every single day. I want, so badly sometimes, just to light into you, tell you how you make me feel, how angry and upset and confused I am.

You ******** promised me. You promised you wouldn't disappear without a trace and without an explanation. You promised me.

And my heart aches, every single day, remembering that promise.

Because, here I am and you're gone. No explanation, not a word. Just ******** gone.

You promised.

You said you were 100% honest. I've trusted you and loved you and held you within my heart. I let you in where I've let so few in.

And this is my repayment. This is my reward. Silence. Cold, stony silence.

And the hell of it is, as hurt and angry and upset as I am, the real issue is this: I want to help you. I want to make your world right again. I would still do anything I could to see that smile again and know that you are going to be ok. As selfish as I want to be, I can't help but want the best for you.

You once asked me how I knew it was love. It sounds LIKE infatuation, how did I know it's love. Because infatuation is selfish. Infatuation doesn't care about the well being and health of the other person. Infatuation only cares about the fulfillment of a personal want.

I put your health, happiness and well being above my own, every single day. I would do anything I could to make you happy, to make your world right again. I'm willing to suffer through this silence and pain in the hopes to see you well again.

Does that sound anything LIKE infatuation to you now?

I must have foresight, my love. I kept the conversations where you said something that struck a chord or meant something to me. And, now that you've disappeared without a trace and no explanation, I find myself reading them and looking at the pictures you sent and watching the last video you sent.....over and over.

I repeat to myself again and again.

you: Okay......
you: I'm completely in love.
mightelove747: and you haven't even heard the laugh!
mightelove747: I better never reveal it
mightelove747: >.>;
you: I'll love it.
you: I'm hopelessly lost in you.
mightelove747: welcome to my world....


you: Well my body is yours, I just can't get it to you yet.

you: Mmmmm
you: I really am completely yours.
you: If we could marry I'd have no need to look for another girl.
you: As it is, I'll just have to find one that doesn't mind sharing me.

you: I love you, Erin.
you: With all my heart.
mightelove747: I love you, ______
mightelove747: with everything I am
mightelove747: makes me want to cry lol
you: Why?
you: I don't like thinking I'm bringing tears to your eyes.
mightelove747: happiness
you: You are deeply loved, honey.
mightelove747: and then there's that part of me that, whilst hoping for the best, always expects the worst
you: What's the worst?
mightelove747: that you would disappear one day with no explanation and no word
you: sad
you: No, baby.
you: You're my love.
you: I won't.
you: I promise.
mightelove747: good
you: I'll do anything I can to be with you, baby.

you: Awwww.
you: Baby you're just hopelessly in love.
you: smile
mightelove747: takes a fool in love to know a fool in love
you: Very much.
you: I am so in love with you.

mightelove747: Will you answer one question for me?
you: Sure, hon.
you: I'll answer a bunch for you.
mightelove747: Am I ever going to see you? I just need to know....cause I don't want to want it so badly if it's never going to happen.
you: Yes you will.
you: If I'm not moving there I'm certainly coming to visit as soon as it's an option.

you: LoL
you: Silly girl.
mightelove747: very silly
you: I am entranced by your smile, I just don't like you reveling in it.
mightelove747: I know you are, but I just have to poke at you for it.
mightelove747: Because I'm completely enthralled by you
mightelove747: It's reassuring that you MIGHT have the same reaction to me. ^////^
you: I'm totally in love with you, Erin.
you: I'd do anything for you. I look at your smile and melt. I see your texts to me and I can't help but get a huge freaking grin.
mightelove747: ha ha, good to know you look as goofysillywonderfullyhappy as I do....
you: LoL
you: I do and more.
you: I'm always going to be in love with you, Erin.

you: I do love you. No girl will change that.
mightelove747: as selfish and greedy and horrible as that may sound
mightelove747: And I love you. And no girl will change that, either
mightelove747: or boy
mightelove747: or anything in between
mightelove747: not even an alien
mightelove747: o.o;
you: Or take your place.
mightelove747: would that be curled up around your heart?
you: Mhmmm
you: It would.

you: I just want you to know that I do love you very much, baby.
you: I really do.

you: You're always going to be more than just a friend, honey.
: My love isn't just a friendly love.
: I have a deep passionate love for you.


you: I really do love you, Erin. I always will. You might as well be my wife too if it were possible.
you: I'm a tough one to handle sometimes, but you've done wonderfully.


*sigh*

I don't know what to do. I know you struggled to keep talking to me long after you had stopped talking to others. I know, in the scheme of things, it's not been that long. I know that you're an honest man and a good man and a sweet man. I know you're going through so much right now, that your life is not what you would want it to be, that you're stressed beyond belief, depressed, and bent out of shape. I know that you'll be back.

I've just never been very good at waiting.

I've never been good at standing by and watching someone I love suffer.

And it's made all the worse by the fact that I can't even see or hear or touch you. I just have to be over here in the silence, KNOWING you're suffering and being unable to do anything about it.

I can't even blame you for shutting down. Apparently, I do the same thing.

If you ever make it out here, you owe my husband a drink.....hell, you need to take him out for dinner and a movie and get him drunk as a skunk at this point. I can't even explain to you, the patience and the sweetness he's shown over these last weeks. I've broken down over and over, so close to the edge. "I'mma tell him to ******** off!" I'd say.....

And there's Doug, "Erin, you don't want to do that. I know you don't want to do that and you know you don't want to do that. It would only make you feel worse. And you love him. I can tell you don't want to do that because of how you look at his pictures, re-read all those conversation logs, check up on him as you can. Just wait, Erin. He'll be back. There's nobody could help but love you, Erin. And once they've fallen in love with you, they could not help but return. He'll be back. Just give him some time. Wait."

I just wish there was something I could so, my sweetness. I wish there was something that could make this easier on you, some way to make it better.

I hope with a hope that is so strong it could be a lifeline. I hope that you know that you are not alone. I hope that you know that I love you. I hope that you know, I'd do anything for you. I hope that you know you can talk to me about anything, anytime. I hope and I hope and I hope again. I hope all those hopes that I always hope for you.

God, how I hope.

God, how I love you.

10/07/09 Edit: LMAO How silly could I have been.....? *sigh*