Now after I have atoned for the wrongs I have done to my closest friends, I open a new story in my life. This is the story of the person who has made my life worth living, and who shows me everyday that some people are worthy of being trusted. It is a story I have told to very few in my life, not even to my own parents. I am writing it now for future reference for me and my family, should anything ever happen to me. If I should die tomorrow, I want everyone to see the joy and wonders I experianced with the person who I would die for. He is my best friend, my lover, my guardian, and the light in my shadow. Koji. And this, is my journey of hope.
~ And so, we are born anew. And into the world we create~
The begining of this story starts after the first events with Trevor, just after I started Junior high. I'll admit that I had never been more scared in my life to attend school. This year I would be attending a new school with entirely new people from my elementary years. I was unsure if this was a good thing or not. Despite all of the children who teased me in elementary school not being here, I couldn't help but feel that I was still a reject. When everyone in your classroom hated your guts for being a manipulative friend abusing jerk, you get the mentality that everyone you meet will feel that same way. So I attended my frist day with my thoughts to myself and my eyes to the ground, and just waited untill people would begin to hate me.
To my surprise this didn't happen at all. Everyone- for the most part- was very kind and sociable. No one made fun of me or thought I was weird. No, they even seemed to like me. It was as if my past of betrayal and lies had been washed away with the new school year. And for the first time in a long while, I felt the amazing feeling of acceptance.
Days went by, and I started meeting nice people progressively each day. Before I knew it, I was a regular at a table full of my dorky anime friends. But even though we weren't the most popular group in school, we had fun and enjoyed the company of the similar people around us. My classes were fun and exiting, my new friends were their to help me with whatever I needed, and I started to feel the cold personallity I had formed melt as the days went by. Yes, during this time in my life I felt the strongest and most loved. Finally my dream of being liked was taking root in the real world. And I shall remember these years fondly in years to come.
And their was only one thing that could have made my life even better at this time. And that was Koji.
Yes, I remember how I felt the first time I laid eyes on him. Unworthiness. It was as if the handsome hollywood celebrity playing a dashing young price stood before my eyes.Even though at this point I had only saw him from a distance, I could tell he was a "pretty boy". Upon first impression, he was the guy some girls dreamed off. And me, being average at best, could only pass a glance at his radiating beauty. I knew if I stared he would eventually notice and most likely laugh at me. So to avoid the feeling of rejection, I just looked away.
I saw Koji on numerous occasions after school was out. He would be standing under the shade of a tree somewhere near the school almost every day. He looked older than me, and I had never actually seen him on campus, which lead me to believe he was a High School Student. He was usually talking on a cell phone with a very calm, yet irritated voice. But on the occasion he would be with another boy about the same age as him. I was usually to far away to hear details, but it seemed whenever he was talking he would use a slightly serious and adult tone. For the first week or so he payed allmost no attention to me as I would walk home from school. I dont blame him though, he looked preoccupied and I was never within 15 feet of where he was. But I however, would look over his way every day. I would allways look to see where he was and what he was doing. And when I found him I would pass a short glance and look away again, Just in case he noticed i was looking.
Though as the weeks when by I began to notice he was becoming more aware of my presence. I would see him turn his head in my direction even if he was on the phone. The more he did this the less I returned the glances. I would start to walk a little faster if I knew he was watching. I also walked with my head looking down towards my feet to avoid the temptation of looking up at him. My heart seemed to race every time I saw his head turned in my direction, and who was I to accept this feeling? I was just an average boring girl, I had no right to look up at this beautiful person with my unworthy eyes.
This went on for quite some time, almost a month I believe, before I actually got the chance to see him up close.
I remember it was a very hot sunny day. Koji was sitting under a tree today, which was slightly unusual for him. I had never seen him sit before...it was strange to see it now. Also as I looked closer, he wasn't on his cell phone, and his friend wasn't with him. It was a first for everything. As I was walking I couldn't help but stare allot longer than normal. I wanted to see if I could tell what he was doing or If I could get close enough to see his face. By his body language, he didn't look to happy, even from far away. I kept staring and he never looked over at me, he just maintained his stoic position under the shade of the tree. I stared and stared and before I knew it I was not paying attention to where I was walking anymore. And as luck would have it I fell.
I tripped on a crack in the road and I instantly toppled to the cement. Good thing I was on the side walk and not the street. I fell pretty fast, and landed on my arm and shoulder (I still don't really remember why). I let out a loud "ooowwww" when I fell too, and I was instantly trying to get up. The cement was so hot from the sun and I could allready tell that I had a scrape along my entire arm. I rolled over and looked up toward the sun, and to my shock, I saw someone standing right before me. It was him. This was the first time I had ever seen him up close...and I had just fallen on my face. Wonderful. I looked up at him stunned, and the pain I felt from falling became almost nothing compared to the nervousness in my heart. He looked at me with a confused expression and said "Let me help you".
*random side not about what he looked like*He had the most jet-black hair I had ever seen. In the sunlight it almost seemed to glow in a shade of navy blue. It was cut in an akward, and unnatural choppy style, but it also framed the bottom of his jawline nicely. It was mid-lenght and was longer in the front than in the back. He also side swept bangs that floated down both sides of his face. His face was more rounded than I had first thought. Up close like this it was apparent that he had a childlike and almost cherubic face. Though he had a well defined jawbone and neck, his cheeks were pudgy and lips rather full for a male. But the most captivating of his features was his eyes. They were slightly small, and had the effect of tiredness. You know, the classic "sexy bedroom eyes". I also noticed they were longer and thinner than most eyes I had seen before, and came to slight point on the outside edges. And the color of those eyes... the most chilling mix of black and gray. It was hard to tell right away, but after colaberating all of his features together it was apparent that he was asian. However it was hard to tell that from first impression, and being that asian genes are so dominant I figured he must have had asian grandparents or something to that effect. His skin was also very white and pale, not pasty or yellowish like some asian races. No, it was almost as light and iredesent as my own skin tone. But no where near as painful to look at in direct sunlight, as my skin seemed to reflect light rather than absorb it. He had a medium build, but was a few good inches taller than me. The white buttoned-down shirt he was wearing prevented me from seeing any strong muscle definiton, but I noticed his arms were a little wider than most. Overall, his body type was something you didn't see very offten. He was not super thin or overly chubby but not exactlly your average male teenager. His body gave the apperance of someone who might have worked out at the gym because of the masculine shape. However I could see few, if any, strong muscle definitions. It was like his muscles were smoothed out and lied flat under his skin. It is very hard to describe, but something interesting to see. *end random side note*
Before I really had the chance to accept or refuse his offer for help, he held out his hand for mine to grasp. I guess I must have looked kinda weird just laying there looking at him, so he took it upon himself to grab my hand himself and pull me up. I was shocked that he would be so forward and to touch me without my permission. It wasn't something I was used to, especially from men I didn't know. My instincts told me to refuse his hand even though he was only trying to help. So before I even though about it, I said "Don't touch me!" and swiped at his hand. All the pain I felt was gone at this point, and smacking his hand felt like nothing, though it should have hurt.
I remember he looked at me with an undescribable expression. I can't remember it very well, but it was a mix of sadness and concern. And all he said was "Im sorry."
After he apologized I realized what I had done. I had basicly slapped a man who offered to help me, and on top of it all he was so extremely radiant in the sunlight. When the awareness returned to me I felt the pain of my fall yet again, and I quickly grabbed my arm as it was throbbing. My only thought after the pain returned was to get up and run away. The embaressment of falling in front of this handsome older boy was catching up with me, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
I pushed against the ground to help myself get up, and I started to feel the pain in my legs. As I stood up my legs caved in, and my knees slammed into the cement. My arms fell in front of me and thankfully I had caught myself from falling on my face. But now, here I was, on the hot cement again. My arms started to shake and all the pain I felt in spurts through out the incident were coming together at this moment. Now it was like I was frozen to the ground, and even the burning sun could not thaw me out.
I felt as if I was going to burst into tears at any moment, but just as I could contain my pain no longer I looked up to see the same pale white hand reach out toward me yet again. He said only one word -"here". I took his hand without hesitation this time, as I knew I wouldn't be able to get up otherwise. He was strong, and helped me up in a quick fluid movement. The quickness of it made the blood rush through my body, and I started to feel dizzy. As I was beginning to feel as if I was falling yet again, he grabbed my arms for security. Im a matter of seconds I was safely on my feet and looking straight into his eyes. And I, being the dork that I am, said "opps".
I remember he gave me another unexplainable look... like he wanted to apologize for something.. but was unable to think of what. After an few seconds of strange looks, he said " You should pay more attention to where you are going...to avoid this sort of thing in the future." I didn't really know what to think about that. It kinda ticked me off for some unknown reason...and I felt upset. I gave him a dirty look and said "I didn't ask for your advise...or your help!" and I tried to walk away. But I didn't remember that he was still holding onto my arms for balance, so when I moved he grabbed my arms tighter. Suddenly I felt a throbbing pain in my arms again. I looked over to see that they were completely covered in scrapes, and he was grabbing onto them...his own hands covered in my own blood.
He instantly noticed he was hurting me and let go of my arms as I was now able to hold myself up. I looked at his blood covered hands and I felt compelled to say "Im sorry". I grabbed my things and quickly tried to get away from him. I walked away and didn't look back as I finished my walk home. All these strange emotions I had felt within the last few minutes were starting to manifest and merge together in my heart. Sadness, confusion, anger, embarrassment, and pain. And when I got home I lied on my bed and fell asleep.
And that was when I had the dream. The dream that I would have for years to come. The dream that everything started with.
~~~ Here I stand-alone.
Only emptiness I can feel, see, touch.
I step forward, I step back, yet I don’t realize I haven’t moved at all.
I gasp at the blood at my feet, and my head becomes tense.
I raise my hand open-palmed to eye level only to find it blend in with the crimson floor.
My knees shake, my head aches, but what can I do?
What have I done?
“Forgive me” I hear in a deep yet melodic voice but I cannot see in this utter emptiness.
“Who are you?” I barely manage to say under my now pathetic breath. No response. Only red. Only aches. Only emptiness. My eyes start to close, and I start to descend closer toward the red and further form the pain. I fall back slowly…to slowly.
“Don’t leave…” I hear in the same melodic voice again. I stop falling and feel something warm, soothing-like the voice. “Awaken my dear.” I hear softly but I don’t understand, I am not asleep…am I? I slowly open my eyes to see a blinding light around a somewhat familiar figure, but I cannot see a face. The light has turned the person black. Only the outline is visible…yet I feel at ease.
I speak- “Who are you?” I ask again. The person gives me a weak giggle.
“Take my hand and I will show you.” The voice says. I feel weightless, and I can’t say no to this overwhelmingly familiar voice.
“Yes” I whisper and hold out my hand. I notice I am still covered in blood- my hand shakes.
“Don’t be afraid, come to me…. take my hand.” The voice says compassionately. But I don’t feel warm or soothed anymore. The figure is fading. Getting farther, and farther with each passing second. The figure is off in the distance now, to far to reach. I reach anyway, but to no avail. I reach and reach and reach but the figure is to far…and to faded. The light fades as well, now emptiness is all I’m starting to see. No light, no darkness- just nothing. The figure is nearly gone with the light. But in its last dieing moments it holds out its hand one more time for mine to grasp. “Forgive me….” Is all I hear in my head over and over. I start to drift into nothingness, body stiff and mind clouded. I drift off in an unconscious daze, and eventually a new light comes to shatter my peace. But this light is…I know this light-
Dawn.~~~
End part 1
~ And so, we are born anew. And into the world we create~
The begining of this story starts after the first events with Trevor, just after I started Junior high. I'll admit that I had never been more scared in my life to attend school. This year I would be attending a new school with entirely new people from my elementary years. I was unsure if this was a good thing or not. Despite all of the children who teased me in elementary school not being here, I couldn't help but feel that I was still a reject. When everyone in your classroom hated your guts for being a manipulative friend abusing jerk, you get the mentality that everyone you meet will feel that same way. So I attended my frist day with my thoughts to myself and my eyes to the ground, and just waited untill people would begin to hate me.
To my surprise this didn't happen at all. Everyone- for the most part- was very kind and sociable. No one made fun of me or thought I was weird. No, they even seemed to like me. It was as if my past of betrayal and lies had been washed away with the new school year. And for the first time in a long while, I felt the amazing feeling of acceptance.
Days went by, and I started meeting nice people progressively each day. Before I knew it, I was a regular at a table full of my dorky anime friends. But even though we weren't the most popular group in school, we had fun and enjoyed the company of the similar people around us. My classes were fun and exiting, my new friends were their to help me with whatever I needed, and I started to feel the cold personallity I had formed melt as the days went by. Yes, during this time in my life I felt the strongest and most loved. Finally my dream of being liked was taking root in the real world. And I shall remember these years fondly in years to come.
And their was only one thing that could have made my life even better at this time. And that was Koji.
Yes, I remember how I felt the first time I laid eyes on him. Unworthiness. It was as if the handsome hollywood celebrity playing a dashing young price stood before my eyes.Even though at this point I had only saw him from a distance, I could tell he was a "pretty boy". Upon first impression, he was the guy some girls dreamed off. And me, being average at best, could only pass a glance at his radiating beauty. I knew if I stared he would eventually notice and most likely laugh at me. So to avoid the feeling of rejection, I just looked away.
I saw Koji on numerous occasions after school was out. He would be standing under the shade of a tree somewhere near the school almost every day. He looked older than me, and I had never actually seen him on campus, which lead me to believe he was a High School Student. He was usually talking on a cell phone with a very calm, yet irritated voice. But on the occasion he would be with another boy about the same age as him. I was usually to far away to hear details, but it seemed whenever he was talking he would use a slightly serious and adult tone. For the first week or so he payed allmost no attention to me as I would walk home from school. I dont blame him though, he looked preoccupied and I was never within 15 feet of where he was. But I however, would look over his way every day. I would allways look to see where he was and what he was doing. And when I found him I would pass a short glance and look away again, Just in case he noticed i was looking.
Though as the weeks when by I began to notice he was becoming more aware of my presence. I would see him turn his head in my direction even if he was on the phone. The more he did this the less I returned the glances. I would start to walk a little faster if I knew he was watching. I also walked with my head looking down towards my feet to avoid the temptation of looking up at him. My heart seemed to race every time I saw his head turned in my direction, and who was I to accept this feeling? I was just an average boring girl, I had no right to look up at this beautiful person with my unworthy eyes.
This went on for quite some time, almost a month I believe, before I actually got the chance to see him up close.
I remember it was a very hot sunny day. Koji was sitting under a tree today, which was slightly unusual for him. I had never seen him sit before...it was strange to see it now. Also as I looked closer, he wasn't on his cell phone, and his friend wasn't with him. It was a first for everything. As I was walking I couldn't help but stare allot longer than normal. I wanted to see if I could tell what he was doing or If I could get close enough to see his face. By his body language, he didn't look to happy, even from far away. I kept staring and he never looked over at me, he just maintained his stoic position under the shade of the tree. I stared and stared and before I knew it I was not paying attention to where I was walking anymore. And as luck would have it I fell.
I tripped on a crack in the road and I instantly toppled to the cement. Good thing I was on the side walk and not the street. I fell pretty fast, and landed on my arm and shoulder (I still don't really remember why). I let out a loud "ooowwww" when I fell too, and I was instantly trying to get up. The cement was so hot from the sun and I could allready tell that I had a scrape along my entire arm. I rolled over and looked up toward the sun, and to my shock, I saw someone standing right before me. It was him. This was the first time I had ever seen him up close...and I had just fallen on my face. Wonderful. I looked up at him stunned, and the pain I felt from falling became almost nothing compared to the nervousness in my heart. He looked at me with a confused expression and said "Let me help you".
*random side not about what he looked like*He had the most jet-black hair I had ever seen. In the sunlight it almost seemed to glow in a shade of navy blue. It was cut in an akward, and unnatural choppy style, but it also framed the bottom of his jawline nicely. It was mid-lenght and was longer in the front than in the back. He also side swept bangs that floated down both sides of his face. His face was more rounded than I had first thought. Up close like this it was apparent that he had a childlike and almost cherubic face. Though he had a well defined jawbone and neck, his cheeks were pudgy and lips rather full for a male. But the most captivating of his features was his eyes. They were slightly small, and had the effect of tiredness. You know, the classic "sexy bedroom eyes". I also noticed they were longer and thinner than most eyes I had seen before, and came to slight point on the outside edges. And the color of those eyes... the most chilling mix of black and gray. It was hard to tell right away, but after colaberating all of his features together it was apparent that he was asian. However it was hard to tell that from first impression, and being that asian genes are so dominant I figured he must have had asian grandparents or something to that effect. His skin was also very white and pale, not pasty or yellowish like some asian races. No, it was almost as light and iredesent as my own skin tone. But no where near as painful to look at in direct sunlight, as my skin seemed to reflect light rather than absorb it. He had a medium build, but was a few good inches taller than me. The white buttoned-down shirt he was wearing prevented me from seeing any strong muscle definiton, but I noticed his arms were a little wider than most. Overall, his body type was something you didn't see very offten. He was not super thin or overly chubby but not exactlly your average male teenager. His body gave the apperance of someone who might have worked out at the gym because of the masculine shape. However I could see few, if any, strong muscle definitions. It was like his muscles were smoothed out and lied flat under his skin. It is very hard to describe, but something interesting to see. *end random side note*
Before I really had the chance to accept or refuse his offer for help, he held out his hand for mine to grasp. I guess I must have looked kinda weird just laying there looking at him, so he took it upon himself to grab my hand himself and pull me up. I was shocked that he would be so forward and to touch me without my permission. It wasn't something I was used to, especially from men I didn't know. My instincts told me to refuse his hand even though he was only trying to help. So before I even though about it, I said "Don't touch me!" and swiped at his hand. All the pain I felt was gone at this point, and smacking his hand felt like nothing, though it should have hurt.
I remember he looked at me with an undescribable expression. I can't remember it very well, but it was a mix of sadness and concern. And all he said was "Im sorry."
After he apologized I realized what I had done. I had basicly slapped a man who offered to help me, and on top of it all he was so extremely radiant in the sunlight. When the awareness returned to me I felt the pain of my fall yet again, and I quickly grabbed my arm as it was throbbing. My only thought after the pain returned was to get up and run away. The embaressment of falling in front of this handsome older boy was catching up with me, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
I pushed against the ground to help myself get up, and I started to feel the pain in my legs. As I stood up my legs caved in, and my knees slammed into the cement. My arms fell in front of me and thankfully I had caught myself from falling on my face. But now, here I was, on the hot cement again. My arms started to shake and all the pain I felt in spurts through out the incident were coming together at this moment. Now it was like I was frozen to the ground, and even the burning sun could not thaw me out.
I felt as if I was going to burst into tears at any moment, but just as I could contain my pain no longer I looked up to see the same pale white hand reach out toward me yet again. He said only one word -"here". I took his hand without hesitation this time, as I knew I wouldn't be able to get up otherwise. He was strong, and helped me up in a quick fluid movement. The quickness of it made the blood rush through my body, and I started to feel dizzy. As I was beginning to feel as if I was falling yet again, he grabbed my arms for security. Im a matter of seconds I was safely on my feet and looking straight into his eyes. And I, being the dork that I am, said "opps".
I remember he gave me another unexplainable look... like he wanted to apologize for something.. but was unable to think of what. After an few seconds of strange looks, he said " You should pay more attention to where you are going...to avoid this sort of thing in the future." I didn't really know what to think about that. It kinda ticked me off for some unknown reason...and I felt upset. I gave him a dirty look and said "I didn't ask for your advise...or your help!" and I tried to walk away. But I didn't remember that he was still holding onto my arms for balance, so when I moved he grabbed my arms tighter. Suddenly I felt a throbbing pain in my arms again. I looked over to see that they were completely covered in scrapes, and he was grabbing onto them...his own hands covered in my own blood.
He instantly noticed he was hurting me and let go of my arms as I was now able to hold myself up. I looked at his blood covered hands and I felt compelled to say "Im sorry". I grabbed my things and quickly tried to get away from him. I walked away and didn't look back as I finished my walk home. All these strange emotions I had felt within the last few minutes were starting to manifest and merge together in my heart. Sadness, confusion, anger, embarrassment, and pain. And when I got home I lied on my bed and fell asleep.
And that was when I had the dream. The dream that I would have for years to come. The dream that everything started with.
~~~ Here I stand-alone.
Only emptiness I can feel, see, touch.
I step forward, I step back, yet I don’t realize I haven’t moved at all.
I gasp at the blood at my feet, and my head becomes tense.
I raise my hand open-palmed to eye level only to find it blend in with the crimson floor.
My knees shake, my head aches, but what can I do?
What have I done?
“Forgive me” I hear in a deep yet melodic voice but I cannot see in this utter emptiness.
“Who are you?” I barely manage to say under my now pathetic breath. No response. Only red. Only aches. Only emptiness. My eyes start to close, and I start to descend closer toward the red and further form the pain. I fall back slowly…to slowly.
“Don’t leave…” I hear in the same melodic voice again. I stop falling and feel something warm, soothing-like the voice. “Awaken my dear.” I hear softly but I don’t understand, I am not asleep…am I? I slowly open my eyes to see a blinding light around a somewhat familiar figure, but I cannot see a face. The light has turned the person black. Only the outline is visible…yet I feel at ease.
I speak- “Who are you?” I ask again. The person gives me a weak giggle.
“Take my hand and I will show you.” The voice says. I feel weightless, and I can’t say no to this overwhelmingly familiar voice.
“Yes” I whisper and hold out my hand. I notice I am still covered in blood- my hand shakes.
“Don’t be afraid, come to me…. take my hand.” The voice says compassionately. But I don’t feel warm or soothed anymore. The figure is fading. Getting farther, and farther with each passing second. The figure is off in the distance now, to far to reach. I reach anyway, but to no avail. I reach and reach and reach but the figure is to far…and to faded. The light fades as well, now emptiness is all I’m starting to see. No light, no darkness- just nothing. The figure is nearly gone with the light. But in its last dieing moments it holds out its hand one more time for mine to grasp. “Forgive me….” Is all I hear in my head over and over. I start to drift into nothingness, body stiff and mind clouded. I drift off in an unconscious daze, and eventually a new light comes to shatter my peace. But this light is…I know this light-
Dawn.~~~
End part 1
