~Atonements~
Throughout my life I have made many mistakes, this I cannot deny. However so does everyone. I believe this is a natural part of life. However, if you let these mistakes manifest as regrets, you will eventually be overwhelmed by sadness.
I have hurt many people in my life. Here, I hope to atone for the wrongs I have done to those people whom I have hurt the most. I will start with the errors of my younger years, and work my way to the recent.
Hunter:
The first I wish to atone for is a boy by the name of Hunter. When I was no more than 5 or 6 years of age, I lived in a small secluded town in the mountains with my grandmother. Here, I have some of my fondest memories. I remember the fresh sent of honeysuckle as I would walk to school, and the foxtails shooting out of the nearby ponds. I remember being a child, and having not a care in the world.
One warm afternoon, our family friends and their realitives and such were all gathering for a little picnic at our small estate. I didn't really think much of it because I knew it would be another excuse for the adults to talk about mindless TV shows and whatnot. The only other person I knew of at the time who was even slightly near my age was Chloe' the daughter of our landlords. She however was only a baby, or an early toddler at the time. She was boring to a child of my age.
When the guests arrived, I was surprised to see another child walk toward the get-together. His name was Hunter. He was the only son of our landlords close friends. He was a little taller than me, which suggested he was older. When I was introduced to him, I instantly thought I would have more fun with him then I would with little Chloe'. As the adults left us children to entertain ourselves we quickly became friends. It seemed he also though no other children were going to be present, so we were both happy to meet each-other.
Despite him being about 8 years old and me being only 5 or 6, we both got along very well. I remember we played tag and hid-and-go-seek. We also played near the ponds and in the trees. That day it seemed as If we would allways be great friends. During the months of summer he visited me and Chloe' often, and we would have even more fun each time he came.Eventually.... Hunter and I came down with a sweet case of child puppy love. During that wonderful summer, it was as if we were two halves of the same person. Just him and I, and nothing got in or way.
That all changed when school started.
I was to be attending the 1st grade, and If I remember correctly he was in the third. Now our age diffrence became much more of an issue. When we were at lunch and recess I would allways try to find him and play. However.... As the days went by, he started to get more friends his own age. And soon he didn't need me anymore. Eventually, he wouldn't even talk to me when he was with his older friends, and When I would pass by he would look away. All this Time I thought it was something I had done. I thought I made him angry at me. Sometimes I think that it was his older friends that were telling him not to talk to me because he allways had a sorry look on his face when he would walk away. But.... I guess I'll never know. Over time, I stopped trying to talk to him, and we eventually forgot we even existed. He stopped coming to visit, and the friendship we had made vanished as the seasons passed.
So I say to you Hunter: Im sorry. I am sorry for whatever it is that I may have done to make you hate me. Im sorry that I still to this day do not know why you felt this way. Im sorry that we never got to see each-other grow up. Im sorry that I ever caused you any trouble at school. For whatever it is that i've done to you : Im sorry. All I ask is that I hope you have as fond of memories as I do of that wonderful summer we spent together.
Maya:
The next person Is Maya. She was a truly amazing friend, and one that I wish I had never lost.
It was my first day at school, and I was starting the 3rd grade about 2 months into the school year. I had just moved from my little town in the mountains to a large city, so I was already very nervous. Plus I knew no-one within a 200 mile radius. Great. So it seems im going to start my year off great, with no friends and no idea where I am.
When I got to the classroom and the teacher introduced me everyone just stared. It was as if they had never seen a new student before. I was so nervous and afraid that I could barely manage to say "hello" to the class. That day at recess I sat by myself under a tree watching the other kids play hand-ball. I was a pro at school yard sports, But I was so shy to ask them if I could play. So I sat there, alone and nobody seemed to care. That is until Maya came and talked to me. She was also in my same class, but I hadn't really noticed her because she sat in the back.
She came out from nowhere and randomly started asking me about myself. To be honest I was starting to feel a little annoyed at all of the questions. But a few minutes before the bell rang, she asked me "Do you want to hang out together from now on?". I was a little hesitant, after all, she was a little strange to me. Though I knew it was in my best intrest to have at least one person with whom I could spend my recess with. I acepted, and she seemed really happy. After that we started sitting next to each other in class.
A few weeks passed, and more and more people were starting to like me. It was really great. And behind all of those people who I now liked was Maya. She would help me with anything from homework to soccer. In time we became best friends. We would eat lunch together, swing together, run together. We did everything together. And I was so happy that I had such a great friend.
One day in late Fall, I asked her why she had talked to me on that first day we met. She smiled and said: "Because nobody should be alone". At the time, I didn't understand what she meant, and I just giggled and said "Yeah...ok." And I looked at her funny. Through that whole year we had the best time, and we both had each other right beside each-other the whole time.
Until the near ending of the school year.
We found out that our school was going to be demolished and replaced with a new middle school in a few years. That meant that all the children would have to go to a diffrent school. Which school you went to depended on where you lived. If you were beyond a certain amount of miles from a certain school, you had to go to one closer. And it just so happened that I would not be going to the same school as Maya next year.
But I never told her that.
Through the rest for the year I told her I was going to attend the same school as her next year. Even though I knew I was not. And on the very last day of school she said "I'll see you next year!"..... and I said "yeah."......
That was the last time I ever saw her. I never told her that I wouldn't be seeing her next year.....I couldn't handle saying goodbye to my best friend. I was completely selfish. And when the new year started I kept thinking to myself what she would think when I didn't show up.
So Maya, my great friend, im sorry. Im sorry that I never told you that I would never see you again. Im sorry that I didn't have the strength to tell you. Im sorry you had to spend your summer waiting for me to be with you in the spring. Im so very sorry. And I want to thank you for being my friend when nobody else bothered. Thank you so much for teaching me that "Nobody should be left alone".
Kaitlyn and Jordan:
This is A story that has changed my life dramaticly. And even to this day I am not sure it was entirely my fault, or if I was the one who manifested it. It is the story of Kaitlyn and Jordan.
Immediately after the story of Maya, the story of Kaitlyn and Jordan comes into play. This is my year in 4th grade, at my new school. because I had to change schools yet again, I was pretty much a loner like I was the beginning of last year. Except for a few people I knew no one at all. Great.
It seemed like as the years moved on nothing ever changed. I felt like time was spinning in circles and continuously repeating itself each year. This is how public school makes you feel. Monotinous. Every few years or so I made good friends, then I lost them. That was the way my world worked even as a small child and it is still how it works now. At that tender age I started to realize this painfull truth. I finally begun to understand That I couldn't have life-time friends. And that some how, some way I would end up hurting them permanently.
This new school and new year was very diffrent from past years though. My new school was brand new and had just been opened that year. But the most dramatic thing was the location the school was located in "The rich area". Yes. My new school was filled with spoiled children who wore the cutest clothes and even had cell-phones allready. That was the complete opposite of me. Though my grandmother made a hefty 70+ dollars an hour, she still was supporting me on her own as well as paying rent and such. So though I was living comfortably, it was far from extravagant. Being in this new school surrounded by children who judged me by my looks and money was awful.
I remember as the new year started more and more people had started to pick on me. At first I wasn't sure why, but all I knew was that it wasn't fair. At the time I thought of everyone as equal- That no person is above or below anyone else. And I soon learned that most people did not posses this mentality. My classmates would tease me about my hair color, because it was red. They would laugh at my outdated wardrobe. They would even spread rumors about me for a quick laugh. And throughout all this time I thought it was everyone else who was wrong and I could never understand them. In time I became more and more arrogant, shunning my eyes from the truths that stood before me. I would tell myself that "looks don't matter" and "They are all stupid". I believed my word was law and if anyone said otherwise I would cut them down. Soon I figured I would never make a real friend again, and the only way to get back at the ones who picked on me is to use them. And that was how I lost my two friends Jordan and Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn had came to me on her own in the beginning of the school year. We were very diffrent, but it seemed as if we both were envious of the personality the other had. I allways wanted to be beautiful and liked by everyone like she was. And she wanted to be opinionated and talented like me. Kaitlyn by nature was more of a follower, and I soon found out that I could easily morph her into a mini clone of me. I had the power to do so, and I knew it, all I had to do was be what she was not and she would gravitate towards me on her own. And it worked.
Soon, she and her close friend Jordan were like pawns in my game of chess. It was so easy to control them. If I liked a certain show on TV, so did they. If I started to read, so did they. If I told them to do something, they did it, simple as that. And in my mind at the time I really believed that they were truly my friends.
But I was wrong.
As the year went on I noticed they wouldn't do the things I asked. Each day they became more and more distant, but I of course refused to see it happening right before my eyes. Untill it was allready to late.
One day at recess Kaitlyn and Jordan asked to stop at talk for a minute. Me, being the king in this game of chess, said something to the extent of "Whatever, lets keep walking". And I acted like I didn't care about what they had to say. They stopped anyway, and didn't follow me like the little dogs I had made them out to be. For the first time they stood up to me on their own two feet.
They told me that they were tired of being bossed around. They told me my arrogant nature was rubbing off on them, and their parents disapproved. They said that their parents were forcing them to stay away from me because I was a bad influence. And they had the nerve to say it right to my face.
All of my emotions mixed together at once. Sadness, Anger, Regret, Envy, Fear. So many feeling hit me at the same time, and I didn't know what to do. For so long I had played the role of ruler, but now my kingdom was crumbling beneath my feat. It was apparent that my throne had been taken from me for good. And I stood there, loaded with raw emotion, and cried. The revenge I had planned on all of the students who picked on me had backfired. I wanted to prove to them that I was better, and that I was much more likable then they were.I wanted to show them that I could easily get friends if I wanted to.But I never even considered the fact that the "Friends" I had manipulated into liking me would ever rebel against their ruler. My perfect plan had failed and I was the one who was hurt, yet again, in the end.
After they said what they had to say, they walked away. They didn't even say "im sorry".They just walked away and left me cry. When I saw this I felt a rush of anger, and the tears I shed became hot. I looked up at them and yelled "I thought we were friends?! How can you just say that?! I taught you everything! You CAN"T do this! Come back her right now!!!" I yelled it over and over again but they just turned around once and said "its over".
Yes. It was the grade school version of a classic superiority complex. I was a mini Light from DeathNote. I used the power I had and it eventually backfired and killed me. I realized I had become the thing I hated most : someone who thinks they are better than someone else. Im not god. And people, not matter how maliable, are not mine to control.
So after that I was alone again. I sat by myself and talked to no-one. The other students again started to pick on me, and this time more than before. Even the two people I had once called friends had started making fun of me. And little by little I felt more distant towards people. After that I vowed I would never trust anyone again. I would never participate in this dog-eat-dog world we live in. I vowed to never make another "best friend" because I know such things don't exist in my world. Now I suppose I have become devoid of feelings for other people in real life. Before I tried my absolute hardest to get everyone to like me, but I see it was just a waste of time. The wounds left by that incident were deep, but are healing more and more each day. Still, I fear they may never fully heal. I still feel the hate and betrayal. And sometimes I wonder if it was my fault for taking advantage of Jordan and Kaitlyn, or if it was their fault for obeying my every order. Because it could have been a true friendship if they hadn't let me destroy it... but those who obtain power...ultimately become corrupt.
So to you, Jordan and Kaitlyn im sorry. Im sorry for taking advantage of your kindness. Im sorry for letting my envy manifest as anger. Im sorry that I never got to apologize for the horrible things I had done. And im sorry I was never good enough to be a real friend.
Trevor:
...This is a story I should have told a long time ago. A story that I personally believe was at one time even worse then that of Jordan and Kaitlyn. It is about a drear friend who actually also has a gaia account. Im not sure If he will ever read this but.... I think its time that I tell the whole story.I have actually known Trevor since before the story of Maya, but he is the only one I still talk too thus far, so I feel it is fitting to place him here on the list. (P.s. im sorry If I get this begining part of the story a little wrong, im not sure how much of it you may remeber, but this is how I interpret it anyway)
It was my first day of school. I had just moved from my mountain village to the city, this was the same beginning as the story of Maya. However what I have yet to inform you of is the bus that took me to that school where I met Maya. That was the first time I met Trevor. As I remember it, I was running a little late on my first day of school, and I had to be sure to catch the bus. Their was this moderate slope/hill thingy that I was forced to hike over everday to get to the bus stop. Beyond this hill was a empty field with nothing but a few palm trees and dead, yellow grass. When I was over the hill and was able to see beyond to the field, I noticed a few kids in the distance. I figured that meant I was going in the right direction. As I got closer, I could hear some of the older kids picking on a smaller one. Though I don't remember the details, I remember they were saying something that was not nice. At the time I still believed that everyone was equal, and no one had the right to pick on someone else. So I boldly interfered.
I don't remember much of the initial incident, but I do remember they stopped, and a few minutes later the bus arrived. After we had introduced ourselves to each other, we offered to sit next to each other on the bus. I agreed of course. After all it is allways easier to walk onto a crowded bus with someone you know.
As it turned out, the bus we rode in the morning was a bus that delivered children to two diffrent schools. An dI soon found out that Trevor did not go to the same school as me. It was sad that I had to be away from the only person I knew in the whole city, but knowing that I would see him on the bus the next day made me feel better.
School was difficult untill I met Maya, but after that is slowly got better. And I remember sitting on the bus next to Trevor every weekday morning. We would talk about anything that was interesting, and sometimes we would draw pictures. I'll never forget all the swords he drew. It seemed every picture he drew had a sword in it. At that time I considered him to be a better artist than me, and I allways tried to draw as good as he did.
I found out not to much later that he lived just down the street from me. Not even 10 houses away. It was a marvelous thing for me then, to have someone my age ive so close was wonderful to me. Hahaa, I remember he used to walk down to my house in the morning on his way to the bus stop. Then we would walk up that annoying hill together, and wait for the bus.
Back in those days I have my fondest memories of him. I remember only the best of our time together. I never had anything to chage my thoughts of him in those days, I had allways thought of him as my true best friend.
We soon learned that we would be both attending the same school in the next year. Because my school had been demolished and this new school was closer to both of our houses, we had no choice. When I first learned of it I was so happy. It felt like the pain of leaving Maya was somehow less knowing that I would have at least one good friend that I knew with me. But of course, this story did not happen as planned.
As the days went on I noticed it wasn't only those older kids from the bus stop that were picking on my friend. Others did too. Apparently because they thought it was "weird" to draw swords and stuff, and also because like me he didn't look exactly normal either. We both had unconventional taste in fashion.... and the other kids made it well known that they were not afraid to tease others just for the little things like clothes and hair color. Pretty soon, they made fun of me too. Though I'll never know if it was because I was hanging out with the kid they deemed "weird" or If I just was weird to begin with. A little of both maybe. But never before had people treated me that way. I never noticed anything wrong with him untill people started to point things out. They told rumors and awful lies about him, but the worst part was that I actually started to believe them.
Allot of people told me to stay away from him and join their own little groups of friends, and all I wanted was for everyone to like me...so I did. I slowly started gravitating away from him and sat with other people. Eventually I completely disowned him I had betrayed the friendship we had built so strong. The ties the bound us to each other began to thin and disipate. Before I knew it it was the new year of school and I didn't even talk to him.
And to top it all off, my betrayal caught up with me.
Karma was against me, and I honestly got what I deserved. I had disowned the one person who was trully my real friend for a bunch of fake people who didn't even like me. As time passed I started being teased again and I realized that nothing I did anymore mattered. I was branded as a reject just like he was, but in my arrogance I still refused to apologize to him. I though I was somehow better than him, and that the reason everyone hated me was because of him. If I had just apologized, then maybe we could have been social rejects together. But no. I let my stupid pride get in the way of doing what was right. I tried to blame everything on him when really it was all my fault. Even meeting him for the first time was still because of me, so either way I spin it, it all ends with me.
And for what? I wasn't any better than him at all. If anything, he was better than me. I don't think he deserved what I had done to him. All he had ever tried to do at that point was give me his friendship. And what did I do? I spit on it.
Though I might be giving him too much credit, because he had his faults. Their was a time in our lives that we became... to personal. He wanted things from me that I didn't have the will nor the courage to give. What was happening scared me, I felt like I was loosing my friend to someone else. It seemed as if he was changing into an adult faster than I was, and I didn't want to face it. And though I remember numerous people saying that he had "puppy love" for me- I took it with a grain of salt. Though I had loved him, it was a friends love, and nothing more. I could never see myself being anything more than that with that dorky little kid down the street. Though...maybe If I had felt that I would have never hurt him the way I did. Before all the drama with the other kids unfolded, all I wanted was for us to be best friends forever, and nothing more. And I think I still wanted that to be true even after it did. In the back of my shallow heart I still felt attached to him, even If i could never ask his forgiveness. And what happened between us is something we don't talk about. Or at least I don't. I cant'. I just can't find the courage to talk about personal subjects like that because when ever I do...I get this feeling in the back of my heart...like i've done something wrong. I don't know...maybe someday I will be able to talk about it...just not yet.
Sometime sI think how he felt when I said I wasn't his friend anymore. I bet he felt exactly the same way I did when Kaitlynn and Jordan disposed of me. Or maybe Im selling myself to high on that, Maybe he was glad to get rid of a cheap freind like me.....
Im just not sure. There are so many unanswered questions in our lives, that we may never know all the answers.
Now, years later, after all the drama had come to and end we found ourselves reunited again. I have apologized for what had happened in the past, but I still don't feel worthy of trust. Something is holding me back from becoming his good friend again, but I have yet to figure out what. Perhaps the trauma his heart holds from the resent events regarding his family is what forms the wall. Or Maybe we have just grown too far apart. Whatever it is, I don't think I have the power to fix it. I never have, and never most likely never will. I just hope that someday we can put both of our past behind us, and begin our friendship anew.
So to you Trevor, im sorry. I am sorry that I disowned your friendship and your trust. Im sorry that I couldn't find the words to tell you that I was sorry untill now. And im sorry that I ever lost sight of what was important in our friendship.
Complete...for now.
Throughout my life I have made many mistakes, this I cannot deny. However so does everyone. I believe this is a natural part of life. However, if you let these mistakes manifest as regrets, you will eventually be overwhelmed by sadness.
I have hurt many people in my life. Here, I hope to atone for the wrongs I have done to those people whom I have hurt the most. I will start with the errors of my younger years, and work my way to the recent.
Hunter:
The first I wish to atone for is a boy by the name of Hunter. When I was no more than 5 or 6 years of age, I lived in a small secluded town in the mountains with my grandmother. Here, I have some of my fondest memories. I remember the fresh sent of honeysuckle as I would walk to school, and the foxtails shooting out of the nearby ponds. I remember being a child, and having not a care in the world.
One warm afternoon, our family friends and their realitives and such were all gathering for a little picnic at our small estate. I didn't really think much of it because I knew it would be another excuse for the adults to talk about mindless TV shows and whatnot. The only other person I knew of at the time who was even slightly near my age was Chloe' the daughter of our landlords. She however was only a baby, or an early toddler at the time. She was boring to a child of my age.
When the guests arrived, I was surprised to see another child walk toward the get-together. His name was Hunter. He was the only son of our landlords close friends. He was a little taller than me, which suggested he was older. When I was introduced to him, I instantly thought I would have more fun with him then I would with little Chloe'. As the adults left us children to entertain ourselves we quickly became friends. It seemed he also though no other children were going to be present, so we were both happy to meet each-other.
Despite him being about 8 years old and me being only 5 or 6, we both got along very well. I remember we played tag and hid-and-go-seek. We also played near the ponds and in the trees. That day it seemed as If we would allways be great friends. During the months of summer he visited me and Chloe' often, and we would have even more fun each time he came.Eventually.... Hunter and I came down with a sweet case of child puppy love. During that wonderful summer, it was as if we were two halves of the same person. Just him and I, and nothing got in or way.
That all changed when school started.
I was to be attending the 1st grade, and If I remember correctly he was in the third. Now our age diffrence became much more of an issue. When we were at lunch and recess I would allways try to find him and play. However.... As the days went by, he started to get more friends his own age. And soon he didn't need me anymore. Eventually, he wouldn't even talk to me when he was with his older friends, and When I would pass by he would look away. All this Time I thought it was something I had done. I thought I made him angry at me. Sometimes I think that it was his older friends that were telling him not to talk to me because he allways had a sorry look on his face when he would walk away. But.... I guess I'll never know. Over time, I stopped trying to talk to him, and we eventually forgot we even existed. He stopped coming to visit, and the friendship we had made vanished as the seasons passed.
So I say to you Hunter: Im sorry. I am sorry for whatever it is that I may have done to make you hate me. Im sorry that I still to this day do not know why you felt this way. Im sorry that we never got to see each-other grow up. Im sorry that I ever caused you any trouble at school. For whatever it is that i've done to you : Im sorry. All I ask is that I hope you have as fond of memories as I do of that wonderful summer we spent together.
Maya:
The next person Is Maya. She was a truly amazing friend, and one that I wish I had never lost.
It was my first day at school, and I was starting the 3rd grade about 2 months into the school year. I had just moved from my little town in the mountains to a large city, so I was already very nervous. Plus I knew no-one within a 200 mile radius. Great. So it seems im going to start my year off great, with no friends and no idea where I am.
When I got to the classroom and the teacher introduced me everyone just stared. It was as if they had never seen a new student before. I was so nervous and afraid that I could barely manage to say "hello" to the class. That day at recess I sat by myself under a tree watching the other kids play hand-ball. I was a pro at school yard sports, But I was so shy to ask them if I could play. So I sat there, alone and nobody seemed to care. That is until Maya came and talked to me. She was also in my same class, but I hadn't really noticed her because she sat in the back.
She came out from nowhere and randomly started asking me about myself. To be honest I was starting to feel a little annoyed at all of the questions. But a few minutes before the bell rang, she asked me "Do you want to hang out together from now on?". I was a little hesitant, after all, she was a little strange to me. Though I knew it was in my best intrest to have at least one person with whom I could spend my recess with. I acepted, and she seemed really happy. After that we started sitting next to each other in class.
A few weeks passed, and more and more people were starting to like me. It was really great. And behind all of those people who I now liked was Maya. She would help me with anything from homework to soccer. In time we became best friends. We would eat lunch together, swing together, run together. We did everything together. And I was so happy that I had such a great friend.
One day in late Fall, I asked her why she had talked to me on that first day we met. She smiled and said: "Because nobody should be alone". At the time, I didn't understand what she meant, and I just giggled and said "Yeah...ok." And I looked at her funny. Through that whole year we had the best time, and we both had each other right beside each-other the whole time.
Until the near ending of the school year.
We found out that our school was going to be demolished and replaced with a new middle school in a few years. That meant that all the children would have to go to a diffrent school. Which school you went to depended on where you lived. If you were beyond a certain amount of miles from a certain school, you had to go to one closer. And it just so happened that I would not be going to the same school as Maya next year.
But I never told her that.
Through the rest for the year I told her I was going to attend the same school as her next year. Even though I knew I was not. And on the very last day of school she said "I'll see you next year!"..... and I said "yeah."......
That was the last time I ever saw her. I never told her that I wouldn't be seeing her next year.....I couldn't handle saying goodbye to my best friend. I was completely selfish. And when the new year started I kept thinking to myself what she would think when I didn't show up.
So Maya, my great friend, im sorry. Im sorry that I never told you that I would never see you again. Im sorry that I didn't have the strength to tell you. Im sorry you had to spend your summer waiting for me to be with you in the spring. Im so very sorry. And I want to thank you for being my friend when nobody else bothered. Thank you so much for teaching me that "Nobody should be left alone".
Kaitlyn and Jordan:
This is A story that has changed my life dramaticly. And even to this day I am not sure it was entirely my fault, or if I was the one who manifested it. It is the story of Kaitlyn and Jordan.
Immediately after the story of Maya, the story of Kaitlyn and Jordan comes into play. This is my year in 4th grade, at my new school. because I had to change schools yet again, I was pretty much a loner like I was the beginning of last year. Except for a few people I knew no one at all. Great.
It seemed like as the years moved on nothing ever changed. I felt like time was spinning in circles and continuously repeating itself each year. This is how public school makes you feel. Monotinous. Every few years or so I made good friends, then I lost them. That was the way my world worked even as a small child and it is still how it works now. At that tender age I started to realize this painfull truth. I finally begun to understand That I couldn't have life-time friends. And that some how, some way I would end up hurting them permanently.
This new school and new year was very diffrent from past years though. My new school was brand new and had just been opened that year. But the most dramatic thing was the location the school was located in "The rich area". Yes. My new school was filled with spoiled children who wore the cutest clothes and even had cell-phones allready. That was the complete opposite of me. Though my grandmother made a hefty 70+ dollars an hour, she still was supporting me on her own as well as paying rent and such. So though I was living comfortably, it was far from extravagant. Being in this new school surrounded by children who judged me by my looks and money was awful.
I remember as the new year started more and more people had started to pick on me. At first I wasn't sure why, but all I knew was that it wasn't fair. At the time I thought of everyone as equal- That no person is above or below anyone else. And I soon learned that most people did not posses this mentality. My classmates would tease me about my hair color, because it was red. They would laugh at my outdated wardrobe. They would even spread rumors about me for a quick laugh. And throughout all this time I thought it was everyone else who was wrong and I could never understand them. In time I became more and more arrogant, shunning my eyes from the truths that stood before me. I would tell myself that "looks don't matter" and "They are all stupid". I believed my word was law and if anyone said otherwise I would cut them down. Soon I figured I would never make a real friend again, and the only way to get back at the ones who picked on me is to use them. And that was how I lost my two friends Jordan and Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn had came to me on her own in the beginning of the school year. We were very diffrent, but it seemed as if we both were envious of the personality the other had. I allways wanted to be beautiful and liked by everyone like she was. And she wanted to be opinionated and talented like me. Kaitlyn by nature was more of a follower, and I soon found out that I could easily morph her into a mini clone of me. I had the power to do so, and I knew it, all I had to do was be what she was not and she would gravitate towards me on her own. And it worked.
Soon, she and her close friend Jordan were like pawns in my game of chess. It was so easy to control them. If I liked a certain show on TV, so did they. If I started to read, so did they. If I told them to do something, they did it, simple as that. And in my mind at the time I really believed that they were truly my friends.
But I was wrong.
As the year went on I noticed they wouldn't do the things I asked. Each day they became more and more distant, but I of course refused to see it happening right before my eyes. Untill it was allready to late.
One day at recess Kaitlyn and Jordan asked to stop at talk for a minute. Me, being the king in this game of chess, said something to the extent of "Whatever, lets keep walking". And I acted like I didn't care about what they had to say. They stopped anyway, and didn't follow me like the little dogs I had made them out to be. For the first time they stood up to me on their own two feet.
They told me that they were tired of being bossed around. They told me my arrogant nature was rubbing off on them, and their parents disapproved. They said that their parents were forcing them to stay away from me because I was a bad influence. And they had the nerve to say it right to my face.
All of my emotions mixed together at once. Sadness, Anger, Regret, Envy, Fear. So many feeling hit me at the same time, and I didn't know what to do. For so long I had played the role of ruler, but now my kingdom was crumbling beneath my feat. It was apparent that my throne had been taken from me for good. And I stood there, loaded with raw emotion, and cried. The revenge I had planned on all of the students who picked on me had backfired. I wanted to prove to them that I was better, and that I was much more likable then they were.I wanted to show them that I could easily get friends if I wanted to.But I never even considered the fact that the "Friends" I had manipulated into liking me would ever rebel against their ruler. My perfect plan had failed and I was the one who was hurt, yet again, in the end.
After they said what they had to say, they walked away. They didn't even say "im sorry".They just walked away and left me cry. When I saw this I felt a rush of anger, and the tears I shed became hot. I looked up at them and yelled "I thought we were friends?! How can you just say that?! I taught you everything! You CAN"T do this! Come back her right now!!!" I yelled it over and over again but they just turned around once and said "its over".
Yes. It was the grade school version of a classic superiority complex. I was a mini Light from DeathNote. I used the power I had and it eventually backfired and killed me. I realized I had become the thing I hated most : someone who thinks they are better than someone else. Im not god. And people, not matter how maliable, are not mine to control.
So after that I was alone again. I sat by myself and talked to no-one. The other students again started to pick on me, and this time more than before. Even the two people I had once called friends had started making fun of me. And little by little I felt more distant towards people. After that I vowed I would never trust anyone again. I would never participate in this dog-eat-dog world we live in. I vowed to never make another "best friend" because I know such things don't exist in my world. Now I suppose I have become devoid of feelings for other people in real life. Before I tried my absolute hardest to get everyone to like me, but I see it was just a waste of time. The wounds left by that incident were deep, but are healing more and more each day. Still, I fear they may never fully heal. I still feel the hate and betrayal. And sometimes I wonder if it was my fault for taking advantage of Jordan and Kaitlyn, or if it was their fault for obeying my every order. Because it could have been a true friendship if they hadn't let me destroy it... but those who obtain power...ultimately become corrupt.
So to you, Jordan and Kaitlyn im sorry. Im sorry for taking advantage of your kindness. Im sorry for letting my envy manifest as anger. Im sorry that I never got to apologize for the horrible things I had done. And im sorry I was never good enough to be a real friend.
Trevor:
...This is a story I should have told a long time ago. A story that I personally believe was at one time even worse then that of Jordan and Kaitlyn. It is about a drear friend who actually also has a gaia account. Im not sure If he will ever read this but.... I think its time that I tell the whole story.I have actually known Trevor since before the story of Maya, but he is the only one I still talk too thus far, so I feel it is fitting to place him here on the list. (P.s. im sorry If I get this begining part of the story a little wrong, im not sure how much of it you may remeber, but this is how I interpret it anyway)
It was my first day of school. I had just moved from my mountain village to the city, this was the same beginning as the story of Maya. However what I have yet to inform you of is the bus that took me to that school where I met Maya. That was the first time I met Trevor. As I remember it, I was running a little late on my first day of school, and I had to be sure to catch the bus. Their was this moderate slope/hill thingy that I was forced to hike over everday to get to the bus stop. Beyond this hill was a empty field with nothing but a few palm trees and dead, yellow grass. When I was over the hill and was able to see beyond to the field, I noticed a few kids in the distance. I figured that meant I was going in the right direction. As I got closer, I could hear some of the older kids picking on a smaller one. Though I don't remember the details, I remember they were saying something that was not nice. At the time I still believed that everyone was equal, and no one had the right to pick on someone else. So I boldly interfered.
I don't remember much of the initial incident, but I do remember they stopped, and a few minutes later the bus arrived. After we had introduced ourselves to each other, we offered to sit next to each other on the bus. I agreed of course. After all it is allways easier to walk onto a crowded bus with someone you know.
As it turned out, the bus we rode in the morning was a bus that delivered children to two diffrent schools. An dI soon found out that Trevor did not go to the same school as me. It was sad that I had to be away from the only person I knew in the whole city, but knowing that I would see him on the bus the next day made me feel better.
School was difficult untill I met Maya, but after that is slowly got better. And I remember sitting on the bus next to Trevor every weekday morning. We would talk about anything that was interesting, and sometimes we would draw pictures. I'll never forget all the swords he drew. It seemed every picture he drew had a sword in it. At that time I considered him to be a better artist than me, and I allways tried to draw as good as he did.
I found out not to much later that he lived just down the street from me. Not even 10 houses away. It was a marvelous thing for me then, to have someone my age ive so close was wonderful to me. Hahaa, I remember he used to walk down to my house in the morning on his way to the bus stop. Then we would walk up that annoying hill together, and wait for the bus.
Back in those days I have my fondest memories of him. I remember only the best of our time together. I never had anything to chage my thoughts of him in those days, I had allways thought of him as my true best friend.
We soon learned that we would be both attending the same school in the next year. Because my school had been demolished and this new school was closer to both of our houses, we had no choice. When I first learned of it I was so happy. It felt like the pain of leaving Maya was somehow less knowing that I would have at least one good friend that I knew with me. But of course, this story did not happen as planned.
As the days went on I noticed it wasn't only those older kids from the bus stop that were picking on my friend. Others did too. Apparently because they thought it was "weird" to draw swords and stuff, and also because like me he didn't look exactly normal either. We both had unconventional taste in fashion.... and the other kids made it well known that they were not afraid to tease others just for the little things like clothes and hair color. Pretty soon, they made fun of me too. Though I'll never know if it was because I was hanging out with the kid they deemed "weird" or If I just was weird to begin with. A little of both maybe. But never before had people treated me that way. I never noticed anything wrong with him untill people started to point things out. They told rumors and awful lies about him, but the worst part was that I actually started to believe them.
Allot of people told me to stay away from him and join their own little groups of friends, and all I wanted was for everyone to like me...so I did. I slowly started gravitating away from him and sat with other people. Eventually I completely disowned him I had betrayed the friendship we had built so strong. The ties the bound us to each other began to thin and disipate. Before I knew it it was the new year of school and I didn't even talk to him.
And to top it all off, my betrayal caught up with me.
Karma was against me, and I honestly got what I deserved. I had disowned the one person who was trully my real friend for a bunch of fake people who didn't even like me. As time passed I started being teased again and I realized that nothing I did anymore mattered. I was branded as a reject just like he was, but in my arrogance I still refused to apologize to him. I though I was somehow better than him, and that the reason everyone hated me was because of him. If I had just apologized, then maybe we could have been social rejects together. But no. I let my stupid pride get in the way of doing what was right. I tried to blame everything on him when really it was all my fault. Even meeting him for the first time was still because of me, so either way I spin it, it all ends with me.
And for what? I wasn't any better than him at all. If anything, he was better than me. I don't think he deserved what I had done to him. All he had ever tried to do at that point was give me his friendship. And what did I do? I spit on it.
Though I might be giving him too much credit, because he had his faults. Their was a time in our lives that we became... to personal. He wanted things from me that I didn't have the will nor the courage to give. What was happening scared me, I felt like I was loosing my friend to someone else. It seemed as if he was changing into an adult faster than I was, and I didn't want to face it. And though I remember numerous people saying that he had "puppy love" for me- I took it with a grain of salt. Though I had loved him, it was a friends love, and nothing more. I could never see myself being anything more than that with that dorky little kid down the street. Though...maybe If I had felt that I would have never hurt him the way I did. Before all the drama with the other kids unfolded, all I wanted was for us to be best friends forever, and nothing more. And I think I still wanted that to be true even after it did. In the back of my shallow heart I still felt attached to him, even If i could never ask his forgiveness. And what happened between us is something we don't talk about. Or at least I don't. I cant'. I just can't find the courage to talk about personal subjects like that because when ever I do...I get this feeling in the back of my heart...like i've done something wrong. I don't know...maybe someday I will be able to talk about it...just not yet.
Sometime sI think how he felt when I said I wasn't his friend anymore. I bet he felt exactly the same way I did when Kaitlynn and Jordan disposed of me. Or maybe Im selling myself to high on that, Maybe he was glad to get rid of a cheap freind like me.....
Im just not sure. There are so many unanswered questions in our lives, that we may never know all the answers.
Now, years later, after all the drama had come to and end we found ourselves reunited again. I have apologized for what had happened in the past, but I still don't feel worthy of trust. Something is holding me back from becoming his good friend again, but I have yet to figure out what. Perhaps the trauma his heart holds from the resent events regarding his family is what forms the wall. Or Maybe we have just grown too far apart. Whatever it is, I don't think I have the power to fix it. I never have, and never most likely never will. I just hope that someday we can put both of our past behind us, and begin our friendship anew.
So to you Trevor, im sorry. I am sorry that I disowned your friendship and your trust. Im sorry that I couldn't find the words to tell you that I was sorry untill now. And im sorry that I ever lost sight of what was important in our friendship.
Complete...for now.
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Im Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds biggrin [: