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How I should feel or where I'm going. I don't want to say i'm depressed, but I feel so emotionally vulnerable & confused right now I just don't know how to handle it. I thought I was detached enough that I could meet somone for one or so nights & never see them again & be okay.
I didn't think I would fall in love again, at least, I didn't really want to because.....admittedly.....I'm kinda scared.

Perhaps it's the child that couldn't really be a child when it was appropriate & had to be locked away indeffinately in exchange for becoming an adult, but still has some control over my heart, acting out. I met someone & I planned for it to be like the others... to go on my way & never think or remember him.

He grew on me.

In like a week or so since we started talking he's grown on me.

We met in person for the first time this weekend & I was just....just so amazed at how lovingly he treated me. I've never 'EVER' in my life been treated like that, yes perhaps only being alive 19 years has something to do with that but that's beside the point. He's everything just everything you could ever want in a man with a few drawbacks for me as an anime fan wanting to live in Japan someday & not wanting kids.
My heart is torn between wanting to be with someone so seemingly right for me & wanting to chase that now nearly impossible dream of living over there.

I have to be realistic that we've just met & a relationship could go nowhere, but at the same time i'm not that good at school & slowly loosing my grip. I might not be able to go anyways & if I passed him up I also might never find anyone like him again....and that......that scares me most. That I'll loose something that could be good for me in the process of seeking something that was never meant to work for me in the first place. Kinda like driving 3 days to an amusement park only to find out it's been closed down forever.
Like anyone else I don't want to be alone forever I don't want to miss out on love or the chance for happiness.

I know I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't act like i'm the only one who's heart is being litterally ripped in two at this moment. And I'm not, i'm lucky someone is willing to love me so much. I just don't know which path to choose anymore.