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This is a joke. Or is it?
Womanspeak
--Womanspeak....vs.... English
--You want = You want
--We need = I want
--It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
--Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
--We need to talk = I need to complain.
--Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
--I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.
--I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
--You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
--You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
--This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.
--The car is empty = Go fill it up
--The trash is full = Take it out
--The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong
--I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
--I need new shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
--Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
--I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
--Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
--How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
--I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
--Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
--You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
--Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
--Please walk me home = Let's make out.
--It's all right. = You'll pay for this.
--Yes = No
--No = No
--Maybe = No
--I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
--I'm not yelling ! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
--All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
In response to "What's Wrong?":
--The same old thing. = Nothing.
--Nothing. = Everything.
--Everything. = Nothing
--Nothing, really. = It's just that you're such an _______.
--I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up steam.
--What makes you think there is something wrong? = I'm going to kill you.
THE RULES
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
