I hate myself so much right now. I am an emotionally shallow b****. Tonight was my final band performance for the year and my final one with my school. Afterwards, I'll be leaving. Backstage, I remained silent. I was depressed for what was coming. My mind wanted to turn off. I struggled to keep it on. I struggled to keep my emotions moving. I didn't even enjoy myself. I sat there and mulled in curt anger and distanced myself from others. The entire time, I sat there and added up what I had done this year and years before. I thought about what was going on and the close future. I wanted to cry, but I told myself "no, save it for the performance. I want to show Mr. Aguilar how much I care." I had told everyone for the past week "Man, I'm so gonna cry at the concert."
Everyone was around me backstage, laughing and poking each other and talking. I just laid down and glared at the ceiling. When someone touched me in the slightest, I recoiled or directed my scowl to them. But they all asked me if I was okay. All except one...why didn't she care? I wanted her to care. SHE was the one I had wanted to talk too. Why hadn't she cared? But it's selfish to have wanted her attention. Afterall, she enjoyed herself plenty without me...
But she'll be gone. I might never see here again.
Don't ruin her moment. Don't call her out. Let her smile and laugh. Don't pull her down. You'll just look like an idiot.
Even backstage, I was so selfish. I only thought of myself. I should've been happy. I should have been treating those around me to the sunshine I possess, not pull down anyone who gave me a second glance. But no, I couldn't even do that.
Then, performance time finally came. I played with my heart. I did. Then when the time came to cry, Mr. Aguilar was bawling. Olivia Lamour's eyes began to water as she stared at the back of my head. Me? Dry as a bone. I quick grimace, then back to the music. It had to be perfect after all. This would be the last concert. I had found it. I had found the ability to play with my heart. I wasn't about to lose it.
I went backstage to pack up. Missy Odohrety gvies me a hug, because I "look sad." I burst into tears, but quickly cover my eyes. The tears smear across my eyes and cheeks. My shoulders shake with the unsteady laugh and cry. I felt so stupid for crying. But it felt like the end. It did. That was it. That was the finale. No going back...
And no one was there. Everyone was already gone. Anyone who comforted me initially packed bags and went home as I shed my tears right in front of their eyes. Even valiant Missy left, though she apologized. But most of all. she wasn't there.
Nicole Felix.
Why had she ignored me the whole time?
Why had she not cared?
Why had she turned away?
What, so now I have to freakin' CUT myself just to get her attention. Did I have to go right up to her and say "Hey, can I borrow a safety pin? Thanks. Kay, just gonna go in that corner and shave my arm skin off, let me know if you need anything?" No, it seemed so selfish to even WANT to self-mutilate at that concert, so I hadn't. But the query had crossed my mind more than once.
But I guess this just proves it even more. Nicole Felix is not the one for me. She cannot fix me, no matter how hard she tries. She is a terrible rock-carrier. I love her still, but only as a friend, and even now you can see how I try to distance myself from her as I type. Because soon we'll be separated, and no matter how much she tries to convince me and no matter how much she hopes and believes, we're going to grow apart. Obviously, I'm not nearly as important to her as I thought I was. No...as I HOPED I was. I knew...deep down.
Damn it...I hate life.
-havi
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I'll write about whatever I want. Usually I will have deep, insightful writes, but don't count on anything, I might let cha' down. ;)
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