Remember that satire is sarcasm.
The Final Solution
For Keeping the Killers and Rapists Off of Our Streets Without Mercilessly Killing Them.
For Keeping the Killers and Rapists Off of Our Streets Without Mercilessly Killing Them.
A man waiting on death row is a curious case to see: mixed emotions sprout from his heart, truth brightens his eyes, and feelings that have never come up before reveal themselves to him. He may finally feel the love for his wife that wasn't present previously, or he may look outside his barred window to see how vibrant the blue is in the sky for the very first time. This man can also be joyful, though, for the day that he may have been waiting for from the first time he had been handcuffed would be hanging just around the corner, the last day where he would take his final breaths of sweet, sweet oxygen. This man, among others who are fated to perish behind bars have put themselves in that position by committing cruel and unthinkable acts, but they should be able to have one last chance to live in order to feel guilt and sorrow for their victims for the rest of their life.
I believe that we all can see the problem within those tragic lives; prisoners receiving their dying fate, or not having the chance to speak their last words to their family because of the use of the Death Penalty in certain states such as California, Ohio, Arizona, Utah, and 32 others. So if someone were to break into jail and relive these men of their future and bring them back into the world outside of cold steel bars, they should receive a reward of being recognized as a hero and savior by the people of our country.
But of course, that scenario would come off as illegal, ridiculous, and it wouldn't solve the greater problem at hand; it would only make it worse! Yet, there is still hope for I have a proposal to solve this important dilemma. It shall diminish the amount of crime on the street and therefore discontinuing the cruel practice of the Death Penalty.
My idea of solving this large problem has been tested time and time again on volunteer criminals and after viewing other's ideas similar to mine fail, I have molded this malleable proposal into a problem solver that can guarantee the support and love of the millions of people all over the country. After my proposal is enacted, they will find that it will be safe to roam the streets and will finally have the chance to travel to previously mob ridden cities without the risk of being caught in a gang fight.
For instance, in 2007 the population in Los Angeles was 3,870,487. Within that, there were at least 126,753 crimes committed, all ranging from theft to murder. When my proposal takes its start, that number will be reduced by thousands to where there will be zero crimes committed per year, making Los Angeles, and cities around the nation, safe for toddlers and young woman everywhere. Men will also lose the risk of being robbed or having the fear of being shot for roaming into the “turf” of a certain gang.
We see crime and murder pop up time and time again over the news, the main cause for people being sentenced to death row, and from the statistics, we can also see that the solution to get rid of the main cause isn't taking big strides in making our streets safe. With over 9,000 police officers in Los Angeles alone, there are still numerous house thefts, murders, and rape crimes going on everyday.
The real problem that needs to be taken out first is women walking around in skimpy outfits for I believe that this is the main cause for the rape and murder crimes practiced on women per year and the true reason as to why there are at least 3,309 inmates locked up and waiting on death row. To lessen the numbers of perverted criminals in cement cells nationwide, I propose to have every single female body, including those who have had surgery to become one, dress up in high-necked and long-legged maternity clothes. They will also need to have their hair cut to beneath their ears and the use of make-up shall be prohibited. The effect of my plan will make women no longer look “sexy” and pregnant that so men will have no fantasies or wants with sexually abusing the female body in America.
After speaking with Gloria Steinem, she readily agreed with my solution saying,“This is no simple reform. It really is a revolution. Sex and race because they are easy and visible differences have been the primary ways of organizing human beings into superior and inferior groups and into the cheap labour in which this system still depends. With this solution, women and men will look the same, eliminating the sexual differences outside of the clothes, giving women more power in the work force and disposing the amount of rape and murder crimes among the streets.”
To keep previous rapists from committing the same crime again and keeping them off of death row by committing a worse crime, they will be condemned to wear permanent steel chastity belts with the privilege to mate no longer in their clutches. In order to relieve themselves, there will be a built in compartment where their waste will drain into. They will need to drain this compartment daily into the toilet in order to keep their belt clean and fresh.
For the next act of my proposal, murderers shall be banished from the public and be assigned janitorial and garbage duties as well as other jobs of the sort. To be sure that they never commit a crime so sickly and disturbing, they will have their hands, feet, and teeth replaced with robotic implants which will be remote controlled 24-7 by a government worker who will be sent to live with their client and guide them for the rest of their lives.
To prevent future murderers from springing forth into the community, there shall be no violence shown in media or on the streets. Families will be ordered to treat each other with the utmost care and respect and family members who abuse an other member will be shot on site by snipers who will be spying on each and every house with in-home microphones and video cameras. With this enacted, the children will feel no need to kill others surrounding him for the good treatment that he has received from his parents, aunts, uncles, etc. will overflow and he will release it on his friends and teachers.
Although this proposal would be loved by many, there are always the few who will cause a ruckus about problems in this solution. One problem that they might point out would be the on-sight shooting of a family member abusing an other. The viewer of that family member's death will mourn their life and may want to exact revenge on the government, a prisoner on death row just waiting to happen. The solution is quite simple, though. A member of the FBI will show up at that particular person's house and eradicate their memory of that event with a “Memory Vacuumator” which consists of a thin nozzle and a powerful motor. The nozzle will be inserted into their ear, the motor will be turned on, and the memory will be sucked out of their brain. This is an invention that I have tested on rats and mice alike and has been proved successful many times over.
If my proposal becomes a practice, intentional crimes all over America will be reduced to zero a day, making the streets completely safe to stroll on and giving the people of the U.S. a calm mind about their loved ones. From the zero percentage of crime, this will cause the elimination of the Death Penalty for if no one is being sent to jail, it would become inactive. Lastly, and most important, everyone will find that they will have a weight taken off of their shoulders and that a closer bond will form within their family. The knowledge of safety and the enactment of love can lift any weight obviously.
Of course, if the government were to put more serious action into solving crime in America, families were to love one an other instead of abusing each other, the right to bare arms was evoked, people could forgive and forget, criminals received help before anything horrible was done, and if everyone could settle their differences in a casual conversation, my proposal wouldn't have a use in this society, but the chances of those possible situations are impossible for we as humans are bound to destroy one another.
Hopefully, you as citizens will see the good that my proposal will bring and will at least consider it, but if it is put into action, I will be moving to Scotland (their scenery is positively gorgeous) therefore it will not benefit me in the least. It is unfortunate for me but I hope America the best in ridding of crime and the main problem, the Death Penalty.
