First of all I'd like to warn you who reads this, because this entry might probably be boring because it's PURELY what I had in mind and it contains some very abstract and random point of views.
So today's Saturday(obviously). Two more weeks before the finals, and I'm already nervous . I wish I have the ability to do logical stuffs but turns out that I don't(shucks stare ) and so I tried my best to study, but the pressure won't let me. I kept thinking about some people that are now far away and whom I wish I could meet right now to help me with some advices. And at the same time I thought about my life later if I got accepted into a university. Because to be honest I felt like I'm not ready for university, I mean, I need more fun, yo! gonk
Aside from all that I still got more thoughts that are still confusing to me, those are: "who am I?" and "what's my purpose of life?" these are the thoughts that fill most of my mind lately, and obviously I've got no answer to that. Well, for the people who knew me and are reading this, some of you would probably be thinking "you are what you are, duh, you're a crazy maniac whose thoughts are full of fun and child games and all those things related to prank or annoy a person." the other might think "you're a quiet girl who always sits on the corner of the class and says the least for the day, even a mime couldn't beat your silence" and some other who knows these 2 parts of me might probably think, "you are an unstable person for having 2 different personalities in different places."
Yeah whatever stare it's not like I care of what other people think of me, but anyway, it's not that, it's just that sometimes I feel it too, I mean with me being all self conscious, quiet, and sensitive in a place, and me being so blunt, hyperactive, and...all those laughs... pssh stare I don't even know who am I, that's what I've been questioning myself.. and with this question remained unsolved I thought of other thing, like, what's my purpose of life? I mean yeah I do believe in reincarnation or whatever, but in THIS life, what do I have to do? what's my dream? For some of you, you might know that I kept blabbing about entering a biochemistry major in chemistry, yeah? But that idea did NOT came from me, it was my mother who first purposed that idea and since I have no other alternative, then I go like. "pssh.. yeah m'kay, I'm totally fine with that." But actually I do not know anything about "biochemistry"... I mean ,true, I like sciences, but I NEVER liked math at all, so how do I go with biochemistry that involves many calculation and stuff? And also about me entering IB diploma and previously skipping grade 7 and 8 to grade 9 in cambridge are also NOT my idea, it is my mother who arranged all that, I just kinda get along with that without knowing what I'm really into, or what may have became of me now.
The reason that I've been thinking about all these might sound random neutral . It's just that, my father has always remind me about being all passive and uncritical in thinking, which are true, but I never realize those until now. I tend to do spontaneous things and go with that without further thinking. I mean, am I stupid? You couldn't just jump from the cliff if other people do so or told you to do so, right? Now that I realize that my life is NOT based on what I wanted to do, I'm beginning to think about all this and eventually came to a confusion instead of a conclusion, I mean, is this what I really want to do? It's not like I despise my mother for controlling my life and such, blah. I know that she's just trying to help me with all because I have no alternative from the start, but what matters now is that, I'm starting to think about if I have wants now, is it to late? And what should I do for the next? (some people might think that I'm weird for wasting my time writing and thinking about these, chyeah, but whatever stare ).The reason I'm writing this is also random. I do not know what I did write and if you read it all through down here, you might probably think, "so what you are saying is...?" and I have no answer to that, because I'm writing this just because I have something that bothers me a lot, and for all who is reading, thanks smile
Leaving comment is optional, but it is a MUST to be 100% honest on what you're saying in comment, kay? ciao! biggrin
Marclaud Community Member 
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