Well what else can I say about life right now. More than anything I wish I was back in california where everything made sense. My best friend there Drina her son going to be born in Dec. And I'm not going to be able to see him, I'm suppose to be his auntie.
Can't find a job doesn't help the matters, no one wants a girl who knows electronics. And most of the stores you have to know someone within the store. Just my luck for being the new kid huh?
That just the basic of what going on. I'm about 60 pds under weight. Which is not my fault. Between getting sick and being stressed I can't eat. I can't help be scared, what if I get hurt again? What if this time I don't wake up. What worse is I can't get the weight back on.
I hate to say this but this place is slowly breaking me. I'm so bloody scared all the time. I can't step out my door without seeing a wild dog running around. The thunderstorms are getting worse, tornados. The people hear think I'm the devils child which doesn't help.
I can feel myself sinking more and more into this depression, and just when I think I can climb out of it something smashes me down. I can't help any of my friends, my families fighting left and right now. I just don't know what to do anymore.
God help me I just want to wake up and hope this is all a bloody dream. That I'll still be in San Diego before all this s**t went down. I had my days but not where I'm crying everytime I turn around. I haven't cried this badly in over 3 years. Back when I was dating Terry.
I never thought I truely detest something, but I can't stand this place. I'm watching my tongue which is hard. I'm snapping at people I care about which is not me and I'm hiding in my room more than ever.
My will power is dying on me, I've been trying to stay strong, but I can't. Honest to god I can't. I hardly talk to my mum anymore which driving my more crazy. I don't know what to say to her. I'm so scared I'll upset her. She got my brother and sister to deal with. I'm suppose to be the strong child, she never had to worry over me.
More then anything I wish I could just be held and told everything would be okay. But I don't even have that support anymore. They say you can lose your soul. I can't help but wonder if I lost mine. I'm suppose to be able to figure everything out, yest I can't. I'm slowly losing it.
I can hardly sleep, waking up every two hours from nightmare that I don't even remember. I'm watching everything slip past me. Damn I'm almost 22 and I'm suppose to be happy, yet I'm not. I feel as if I failed my mother, failed my family and failed everyone I know.
Me and my sister don't talk, in fact she hates me. But I lost her love years ago. So I deserve that. I know my father can't stand me. I think I have an okay relationship with my brother.
God why do I feel as if my world has come crashing down on me. What the hell did I do? I'm always trying to help people, and I'm always trying to stay out of everyone way. Yet I still mess up.
All these feeling will just stay bottle up. I can't just cry, I'll make my mother cry. I never let her see me cry anymore...*wipes the tears away*
All I can do is just cry and hope one day the pain will go away...
 Krista DarkAngel Silme · Wed Nov 16, 2005 @ 01:31pm · 1 Comments |
