"You really want to ask that? You know why I'm here." I said sitting back flicking out a pack of Marlboro's, tapping the top of the pack softly on my knee opening the top flicking out a cigarette quickly pressing the filter in between my lips, holding up a lighter lighting the tip, as it quickly lit giving a smolder as the drug started to take effect, as a took in a quick air. Setting down the lighter and the pack, holding the cigarette in between my lips. "I'm here because my life is ******** up..." I stop to take in a deep breathe of smoke, holding it there for a quick minute letting out a breathe of the toxic fumes. "I mean when a guy ******** with you that much, I think its time for therapy." I said quickly placing the cigarette in between my lips once again.
"Lets explore that shall we?" The Psych said leaning back in his chair holding the ominous clipboard in his hand, I never really know what the hell that thing symbolizes but I roll with the times, and take another drag of my cigarette parting my lips slightly taking the cigarette away from my lips putting it out in the black ash two dollar ash tray infront of me. Holding in the smoke, I let it out quickly leaning forward placing my elbows on my knees running my think fingers through my own orange hair. "It started, Oh about six months ago. Let's say six months ago. I never counted the days, and neither did he." Taking another cigarette quickly I ran through the steps quickly my hands shaking slightly, it was a soft spot for me actually, but it was obviously patient confidential, so I didn't mind.
Holding the cigarette in my mouth I sat there breathing softly looking at the clock. Moved slowly like a turtle never wanting to leave the shore. Propping my feet up on the low cherry wood table, "We met on the side of the street, a random occurance, I never went down Elm street really, but I had too because the other street was in construction at the time. Don't tell me there are other ways, because I tried them. I'm not looking to get robbed in mid-day by a crack addict looking to feed the violent society." I said letting the ash start to grow on the tip of the cigarette as a took another drag, tapping it on the side of the ash tray leaning back quickly resuming my one way conversation. "So anyway, Walking down Elm, and of course minding my own business for some reason my hormones were raging in full mode. I am a married woman by the way, of course you would know. No one could ignore the rock." I said putting out another burnt out cigarette sitting back letting out small puffs of smoke into the air.
"Anyway, There he was walking down the side walk, I had no idea I just kind of knocked into him. I didn't really mean too, I think I just took my quick 'stare' too long. My purse of course went everywhere on the ground, and he was a gentlemen enough to notice my idiocy, and well helped me get everything back in my purse. I couldn't resist to ask him for a cup of coffee, to of course he accepted. Who resist coffee." Taking a deep breathe I tilted my head back slightly taking another cigarette putting it in between my lips letting it stand there. "So yeah, it was great. Holding everything there infront of us kind of like a plate of some good cigars, or diamonds. Neither of could resist the tension, it could have been cut with a butcher knife and broken into a million pieces. Whatever the analogy you want to use, It was a good first meeting, and well he suggested another date. With everything happening I couldn't resist." Lifting the cigarette out of my mouth I took a breathe out in a slight sigh of nostalgia. "So this is when the problems started to brew?" The Psych said softly sounding like he was drifting out like an ADHD child wanting to find a new toy, so he could be amused for five more seconds and want to move on.
"Chill Doc, Dear lord. Got to build up to it now don't we?" I said putting the cigarette back into my mouth sitting up more sitting Indian style on the burgundy leather sofa.
"So me married, and well on our first date he kind of exposed that he had a girlfriend himself. I mean I didn't care, I did. I felt a connection, or something along those lines. I mean he didn't know I was married, not now, or whenever I started the second date." I said taking a extremely long drag, at least trying to release the stress building up inside my body trying to hold myself against two brick walls being smashed with a large brick. Sadly, I never started smoking until the incident, sadly it became a chain reaction. I know smoking is bad for me, but hell might as well die an early death eh?
As the Psych turned around and looked at the clock I snapped fingers quickly, "Hey hey, My time, and until I get all of this out I am not allowed to leave this damn place. So don't look at the clock keep on doodling or whatever your doing on that clipboard and listen, might learn something." I said quickly in a snippy tone, not really taking to his rushing mood.
"So anyway..." I said looking around at his awards standing up holding the cigarette in my mouth not minding where the ashes fell, though none still gave a drop. Letting out a huge cloud of smoke, I started to smoke once more. "We started slowly going out on dates, and enjoying ourselves, We had ourselves a good time until one night he invited me back to his apartment, and I really couldn't and didn't want to say 'No'." I said finishing another cigarette putting it out quickly, taking a breathe in of the smoke still lingering."So that was the first we really 'made love' I guess. It was great, and I mean great. I did alot of things I have never done with my husband, I mean it was great." I said with a soft sigh lingering slightly. "We went around the marry-go-round alot. One after another I mean we would even stay in bed all day, and order whatever we wanted, my husband never noticed, he never did. We always wondered how long it would last, and I would start getting jealous because some days he would be withdrawn and with his girlfriend, and I said I understood, but truly I hated it, with a deep and over loving passion that I mean I didn't want to kill his girlfriend, just scare her enough that she didn't want to be around him." She said softly picking up another cigarette in hand holding it there for a few seconds. "This went on for about two months, then we just started to pull apart, I didn't mean this to happen, we told each other everything. Sometimes, which is not everything if you think about it. He would hold secrets, and so would I. We took each other for granted really, it wasn't right, but the whole ordeal didn't make everything right." Pausing to light the cigarette I was putting in my mouth I looked up at the Psych as he looked up at me with a soft sigh passing his lips.
"Do you think that all of that was just sexual frustration wanting to get itself out, You went through all of this, and you started to pull out maybe you got bored of the whole situation, and everything went to hell because those things never last, and to keep each other entertained for so long couldn't be exactly what you needed. Maybe he didn't know he was keeping secret's, and you yourself had a burst of sexual desire as all women do, and you both had something that was good for a short amount of time, but can never really live because you weren't exactly true with each other?" The Psych wrote down on his clipboard as I couldn't help but stop completely. "I guess so, but how can I still feel this hole in my heart? I got busy with myself and my life, and so did he, but when he started to pull away also it was hard to make things compromise. We could barely talk to each other at the end of it all, and it was nothing but the silence that drove me nuts. Wondering what he was doing, and how he was doing, he never wanted to talk back. I just feel that this story will never have a happy ending doc." I said holding my breathe waiting for some kind of answer from anyone as I was shaking slightly with the thought of a tight chest, and the feeling abandonment holding itself, hovering in my face.
"No one ever truly has a happy ending Heather, what you need to do is a write a note to this man, cut ties completely. If you keep him around he will just taunt you like a shadow, and something that never really goes away, and I think you have this problem. Keeping them around like some kind of friend, always hovering and jealous of everything they do. Don't do this again." Sliding the paper infront of me, he handed me a pen and I sat down on the ground infront of the paper taking a deep breathe putting out the cigarette silently, and started to write:
Dear Mikhail,
I wanted to start out that love is something we experienced through everything we went through, but the way you can drop people is not the way your can throw around a ragdoll, or something that has no moral value. I think this is the end of it all, and I hate to keep you around as something that we both want, but we both don't the day you asked me to stay as your friend I said 'Sure' because sometimes, well sometimes I can't say no, and I most certainly didn't want to say no to something that we had. The way I feel when I see you with other women will never be replaced by the crying and the hatred I feel inside, as my heart gets squeezed and tugged as it hurts to be near anything we both were. Sometimes its the small things that still sting, like the papercuts and the splinters of our now dangling friendship. Sadly enough I can't continue this excursion through the drift we have created for each other, saying out hello's, and the 'how are you doing?' Because I will still have a resentment inside of my heart that you could drop our love to friendship so quickly, with no emotion on where we are. I never regret meeting you, but I regret holding all of this on me, it really wasn't my fault. It was both of our faults. After you read this, We both have to leave, and I am doing this for my own good. Because it hurts me just to see your name and know that we can never be like this because it will be a dark cloud looming over our lives, and whenever we talk I can't stand, but hate you, and I don't want too. You will be better off without me anyway.
Goodbye to our Sun,
Heather
Heather
