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Unlocking
I had a key that was once so very special to me. I lost it. Well, to be more exact I only misplaced it. It has been gone for a long time and will be missing for much longer.
The last entry was just to get me started by throwing the little things away that don't connect together.
I've been good recently in my own eyes. I have been very lonely and kept myself company by listening to others and watching movies. Probably one of the loneliest days this week was when I went out with Teej and Christy. Christy was there so I couldn't really be there with Teej and Christy never really wants anyone there anymore. She is so cold. She just reads and listens, further burrowing down into herself. I want to just sit with someone or fall asleep on their lap. I want someone to hug me tight and tell me they missed me or that they are so glad to see me. I don't remember if we did say that when we hugged but I do remember the emptiness.
This week was supposed to be tragic but the spell is broken now that it has rained. It seems there will be a clearer future now that today has come. It is ironic, we can know what will happen tomorrow but there can be no tomorrow without today.
I read some of a book about suicides today in Borders. I was just curious to see what people say and to see if there is actually some "magic words" or something to get rid of it altogether. Everyone knows once you have it, when it disappears it only hibernates. I see it in all of them: Dev, Teej, and Myself most importantly. I won't lie, when I think of friends I mostly just think of Teej, Dev, and Josie. They are the ones closest to me and most compatible in my opinion.
Josie and I have a cruel twist of fate where she is trapped by herself and her hierarchy. Her parentals or higher powers put her in a cage and to make herself accept or come to terms with this she cages herself. She is trapped within being trapped. If she were to just stop caging herself she would feel much better and actually be more free. Truly free instead of that stupid crap she tries to pull. She has no ambition to do such though at this point in her life because she depends on this cage. She depends on the cage to keep her safe from herself and others. She is too scared to be free because I think she wouldn't know where to start of where the boundaries lie. It's better to have ventured and get hurt than to stay in a cage and pretend of be free.
Deveraux and I are always changing. It seems like one of us is always ahead of the other, it switches all the time. We are almost in a competition with each other because neither of us is ever content with being behind the other. We learn and teach each other valuable lessons that are essential to our growth. The biggest problem with each of us is our tendencies. We are susceptible to other peoples' emotions and faults as well as our own inner demons, literally for her. Our biggest battle is with ourselves so we tend to forget about the real world a lot. We get illusioned and caught up in our own battle and then get seen as selfish when we are doing it not only for ourselves but other people as well. No one really takes our problems that seriously, well for me there is Teej but I don't think she has anyone yet T.T that is another type of creature that is. We need another type of creature because then we know we are not alone. For some reason knowing there is another creature that is like us does not fill that void of loneliness. I wonder why?
With me and Teej there is a closeness that I have never had before in another being. We are sisters that are able to be there for each other indefinitely. We have a lot of faults for sure that I project upon her and she doesn't project enough. I try to relate her to myself and conditions I have been through a lot but now have tried to stop that since I want her to make her own decisions and own path. She let me walk my own path and now tries a little more to give me insight into her life and past experiences to help me through things. We are like yin and yang at times. We also have the issue that we both get affected most by our relationships so we have to be aware of when other people around us are failing then come to each other. We can see most of the time when there will be trouble ahead but sometimes we just cave in and let the weakness engulf us. We are strong people so our breaking points are seemingly different every time.
I know I have a lot of other friends but they are different. We have different dynamics. Kitsua is my friend for sure but I can't really let her into my life as much as I want to share more stuff with her. The fact that people around her hate me always makes me paranoid to get too close to her and she doesn't get very close to me in turn because she probably doesn't know if it's safe either. Safe in the sense that I would care enough to tend to the relationship she would start. Then there is Jordan who is so far away, mentally and physically. We will always have the past binds but I don't know if we will ever see each other again. It makes me a little sad but not too much because I know she is most likely happi out there and that is what I wish most of my friends. Finally there is Shippo who disappears into her shell so often. I have hurt her in the past and she just hides. It's like she is a man almost. She has a tender heart that I cherish but I wish she would come out of her shell and until she does I don't know how to get in contact with her... I mean how do you talk to a turtle that isn't there, only the shell left behind is there?
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