I should name this my emo journal. D:
So I had this great dream last night. I don't remember how it started but I was talking to this guy, no one I'd ever seen before. I quickly became infatuated with him, even though I had only met him less than an hour before. After a while we were sitting together and talking. He leaned and laid his head on my shoulder, holding my hand. I couldn't have been happier since in my real life I've been dying inside from being lonely and finally things would get better. For the rest of the dream we talked, snuggled close, and talked. When I finally awoke, it was 6am or so and I forgot it was a Saturday so I began to get ready for school. After realizing my mistake, I went back to bed. I re-awoke about 9am to let the dogs out then back to bed until 3pm when I finally got up. (I swear I'm not lazy) This time after waking up, I was awake enough to remember that the dream was only a dream and I instantly broke into tears.
All that hope into finding someone who loved me, I get it in a dream, then loose it so fast. I felt devastated. I can't keep living like this; with my happiest memories haunting me and hurting me. Why do memories that give people such happiness turn into such pain when you can't have happiness in your current situation? Happy memories should be there to make you feel better.
Friends and loved ones are also hurtful. If you see them with the happiness you want so badly, it becomes like they're taunting you with what you can't have and even though you want to feel happy for them, it leaves you with a better feeling of sadness and jealousy.
I broke the other day. I went through my first B-day of the school year. (At school we have 4 classes a day that alternate every other day, A and B days) I had the same two classes for my first two hours as last semester, so I know I would be alone in the first one and only one friend in the second. What I didn't know, was whether I had anyone to talk to in my last two classes, and lunch. I went to third hour, packed classroom with no friends. Then lunch where I sat completely alone hearing whispered comments like "Who is so pathetic they have to sit alone?!" and "What a freak she must be to not have friends." Then came 4th hour, which I sat at a table almost alone, with a girl who only sat at the table because there were no other spots to sit at. As soon as I got into my car after school, my eyes teared up and I had to force them back. I fet utterly alone and terrified to how I would eventually react to it. Instead of going home where I was sure to start crying in the solitude, I drove out to a couple of stores hoping that being around people might help me hold the tears back. It worked and I stopped thinking about it.
I went home and started work on my cosplay and checked stuff online. At about 7pm I got hungry and went upstairs to see what was taking dinner so long. Usually my dad feeds the dogs at 6 and I stay far away because I can't stand the smell or sound of it. When I came upstairs at 7, he was feeding them so I was annoyed at having walked upstairs then having to run back down immediately. I guess I didn't pay attention to how I closed the door, but I definitely didn't slam it. My dad didn't think the same. He came down and screamed at me for slamming the door and always getting peeved when he feeds the dogs, which I can't help. He stomped back upstairs and I remembered how lonely I had been early and I cried again; this time, a lot harder.
After my dad had cooled down, he came back down and saw me sobbing like crazy. He apologized for overreacting and hugged me until I cooled down a bit, something he hadn't done since I was little. He told me to come up and get some dinner, so I did. As I put a big piece of chicken in my mouth, I sobbed again and the "air intake" caused the chicken to fly down my windpipe. I started choking, but being in my room in the basement, no one would know that until they would find me dead in my room later on. Trying not to panic, I tried to cough while slamming my diaphragm. After a try or two, it came out and I was releaved but decided not to eat until I'd completely calmed down.
A little later on, I went to try on my Lulu cosplay after making adjustments. While I was getting ready to put it on, grief consumed me again, and I collapsed on the floor. I couldn't take the pain. I lay on the cold floor for somewhere around a half an hour (I didn't have a way to tell time), crying.I couldn't move, speak, think; only cry. I had finally broke. I felt lonely. Utter, complete loneliness. Everywhere I go, I put on a facade of happiness but when all alone, all I can do is cry. Why do I always have to be left behind by those I hold dear. And why do those I care for most have to be stolen from my life. The light is fading to black, consuming me. That's how I truly feel. I need someone to not abandon me like all the rest. I need to know somebody I love still loves me back. I need someone to care.
View User's Journal
RAWR
 |
