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zack's picture book!
i will put any pictures i can sneak in here!
The Way My Mind Works
I have found that the best way for me to explain myself is with comparisons, nd so I will compare myself with my girlfriend whom i am at nearly completely opposite conflict with.
I am a cat person. I am solitary, independant, unbound. If I am expected to have any limits or boundaries I am five times more likely to break them out of panic of losing my freedoms. I am 60% Dominant and 40% Submissive. I believe in individual and independant opinions of people. Nne of my friends are required or expected to like any of my other friends, and likewise i don't feel that should be required or expected to like their other friends either. I trust my gut about new people.

Sara is a dog person. She lives by a structured hiearchy with a pecking order based on merit, humility and community. She has a strong sense of moral and ethical values and principles, such as monogamy and traditions. She is 40% Dominant, 30% Submissive and 30% Neutral, which is neither; Not both, Neither. She can understand and function properly with normal society, unlike me. She doesn't hold any emediate opinions about people, giving everyone a chance to prove themselves and advance or drop in the pecking order of her pack heiarchy.

I have had negative and traumatic experiences with dogs, they always barked at me, chased me, or otherwise bothered me. This lead to anxiety disorders, panic attacks, nightmares and night terrors, and eventualy schitzophrenia. But cats I have always related to and felt a kinship to. They always brought me comfort and made me feel safe. Their behaviors, their motives, their body language, I understand all better than English or mathematics. These feelings are instinct to me. The same for Sara, but in reverse. Cats always scratch her, hiss at her, never let her pet them, always want to be alone and get into trouble. They always disobey commands, even when they make it obvious that they understand them clearly as can be. She never could understand why they do this, and she views them as rotten, wicked, spoiled brats. But she always had dogs, even as a little girl. She grew up raising them. They are companions to her, fun friends, playfull children, and fierce protective guardians, and the most loyal family in her world.

Then there is Derik. A guy she met at a convention. I never trusted him from the start, but didn't condemn him right away. He kept showing all the red flags though. He is like me, and also like Sara. My archtype, the predator; Her personality type, the wolf. He is a lone wolf and I am a wild cat. We are both stalking the same prey.
There was a time, days after she met Derik, that Sara's jealousy of my slaves drove me to consider breaking up with her, and when I told her that I felt that way she was crushed. Less then ten minutes later she was on the phone with Derik, crying to him about me, and he pulled the Move. He offered to be her boyfriend to replace me. She considered it but told him she needed to think more, and when I called her to tel her that I want to stay together and appologized for my freak-out she was so happy, but said that she felt guilty, and then she told me al about her phone call with Derik. I was infuriated. Not at her of course, but at him for trying to step between me and my girlfriend. This was proof to me that he was a predator, yet somehow she refused to believe it! after all my explanations! She claims she trusts me and my knowledge of these kinds of things, yet still she professed to trusting him more and wanting to give him a chance. In my mind he has alreday been given DOZENS of chances and blew them all in my book! But she did agree to set him straight and make sure he understands that he and her were only friends. He pulled the non-blood siblings move though...

I learned a sad tragic truth however; I cannot force her to understand my feelings or my logic. The more I push it on her the less she listens and the more she denies it, the faster her trust shifts from me to him. Though if I just leave it be it tears m apart, tears her away from me and Derik is free to seal my girlfriend away from me. It is an impossible situation. Even if i remove the threat it costs me what I am trying to safeguard, because that would trample all over her values.
I fully understand that this relationship with her is unable to work. And I want it to end, but not without a cushion for the blow. Still however I dare not end it, because she is my only support for some things that are personaly important and private. Also I know that when she reads this (because I am going to show her) she will keep trying to convince me not to stay with her if I don't want to be, even though she knows herself that she cannot realy be ok if it ends either, but Sara I am insisting that we stay together! I honestly do want to be wth you, however difficult it is.

I hope this portrayal of my conflicts is enough to clearly explain the way my mind works in proper detil. I promise that that is all this is meant for, so please do not bother advising me, and do not dare accuse me of fishing for sympathy.





 
 
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