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Wow, how much life has changed since I've written my last journal entry. Nearly freaks me out just to read them. I was a pretty funny kid back then though.
So, that was during the summer between grade eleven and grade twelve. I am now in my second year of university. Things essentially hadn't changed at all up until the summer past and now my world is nearly turned upside down.
Let's start with what's the same. Well, most of my friends are the same. Some of 'em have coupled off, started drinking, and a few of which have new groups of friends, but I still talk to them all. And plan to hang out with them over the holidays. Jenn is still a best friend, to the extent that she's essentially my sister these days. She keeps me laughing at all life's problems and always has an ear if I want to complain or be upset.
I got a job after, first at Wal-Mart, and then I started working at different call centers for different companies. I rathered Wal-Mart personally.
A few huge things happened over the summer past.
First I got accepted into school across the country. Which meant leaving all of my friends and family and starting fresh in a place where I knew absolutely nothing. It didn't bother me as much as you'd think.
Second, I realized that I was a lesbian. Which was pretty huge for me. Denial is a powerful thing and I was denying it for a heck of a long time. But I turned to a high school pal of mine, whom I knew to be a lesbian as well, for help. And she definitely helped me through it, but in turn, I ended up falling pretty well head over heels for her. Her girlfriend didn't seem to like that a whole lot.
But before too long I was leaving all of that behind and starting fresh in a place where I could be out and possibly even proud. I haven't quite reached the latter yet but I am indeed out. Which is why I met this other girl. Who had a boyfriend. She's turned my world upside down and I'm sure she doesn't even know it. We'll call her Lauren.
So now, Lauren is pretty much the best friend I have here and we have a connection unlike I've ever felt before. No, we're not together. I do like her, more than I think I'll let myself admit to, but the feelings aren't reciprocated so I let it be. She gives me mixed signals sometimes and I catch myself thinking that maybe one day I'll have a chance with her (despite her better judgment) but those moments pass pretty quickly and otherwise I try to ignore it.
So since I've met Lauren I've been thinking. She makes me think quite a bit. About everything. And I've been thinking about life, and what I want in life. And, unfortunately, I'm not quite sure what that is. But she also makes me think about relationships and friendships and up until I met her I thought everything was grand. And things were grand in many ways. But I've come to realize that pretty near all of my friendships were superficial, and we never really talked about anything. Ever read Farenheit 451? I'm reading it once again now. And it reminds me of the part where Montag is raving over the fact that no one ever talks about anything important. They speak words, sure, and they communicate, but they don't have good talks. Well that's been my problem. I've been living in that world. But Lauren and I, we have talks. Good ones, that last hours. And I love our talks. I look forward to the time that I'll get to have one of those talks again. And don't get me wrong, we don't always have these deep, meaningful talks. But even when stupid stuff is being discussed, there's always more there than I get from anyone else. More substance if you will. And even with these friends back home, they've never really been there for me. We went out maybe three or so times over the whole summer, but that's it. We never went for coffees or chilled out and watched movies. Jennifer and I did. But even with her it's not the same as it is with Lauren. Jennifer and I have history which really makes all the difference.
So I guess things couldn't be much more different then they were in the summer between grade eleven and grade twelve. I suppose I've changed in a few ways and I can't decide if that's for the better or worse. But mostly my circumstances have changed and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to deal with it. But I suppose life is dynamic and everything's always changing and I've got to learn how to deal with it eventually.
Anywho, I believe I've procrastinated from studying for long enough. Off to shove my nose into the books.
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