I am troubled this season. Events have transpired in a less than favorable way, the future is mocking me...and I cannot remember the last time I was happy.
But my cause for writing this today is simple, and strange: I do not know what I want for Christmas.
It is not that I cannot find something that I would like to have, cds, books, movies, and a new computer would be...swell. It is almost as if I do not care. Cds, books and movies are commonplace. I could buy them on my own. A computer, too, I could buy, given some savings and perhaps a year. That is not my trouble.
Gifts that mean something are what is missing. I do not know what I want that would have any meaning. I do not want meaningless things. I hate meaningless things. I want at least one gift that means something - that was made for a reason. A gift that, at least for a little while, gives me some ounce of happiness. A gift of the sort that I give, but never receive in turn.
I have no idea what I want. At least...in the way of gifts. If a gift of what I truly desire could be given, then...
But that is impossible.
I want freedom. I want the wilderness to be guarded, and safe from destruction. I want all humans gone. I want the air and water to be pure. I want all traces of civilization obliterated. I want to be free.
No one can give me that. Especially not wrapped in red and tied with a gold ribbon.
I know there is more that troubles me, that is the cause for this sudden, and new upset. It is almost as though I myself am losing meaning. Christmas was always such a wonderfully happy time...but, since the few years past...it has become a ghostly memory of what it once was. No longer as cheerful, no longer as important...as though everyone has grown bored with it.
Maybe...it is just that I never noticed it before, and now the same affliction has cursed me. Perhaps...I long too much to destroy everything, and that has in turn tainted the one time of the year that I find a semblance of peace.
The past cannot be changed.
Nor is the future set in stone.
How gladly would I switch those truths.
 Prancing Thunder · Mon Nov 24, 2008 @ 11:20pm · 0 Comments |
