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So yeah, I haven't really been on gaia for a really long time, it's saddening, but life for me right now is really crazy, insane, intense, annoying, boring, stupid, not worthwhile, draining, tiring, exhausting, delirious, and any other adjectives I manage to come up with between now and the end of this journal entry. School this year is very different from any other year of school that I've ever had and I'm not sure if I like it or not yet. Lol, yeah I know I'm almost to the end of the first semester, only about another month before finals, eep, don't remind me about that yet or I might start hyperventilating. But, I just really don't know what to make of this school year so far, but I can try to explain what I have figured out for whoever still reads this journal and is curious about my life that they haven't heard about for the longest time smile

So at the beginning of the year I was really excited about IB, it meant getting away from all of the people that had previously really frustrated me in school, the people that had slowed things down, the people that I didn't want to wait for in the learning process, and I was completely right, there's no more of that, for the most part in the classroom I feel like everything goes at the perfect pace, we can stop and slow down when it's necessary and we have a question that we need answered and we don't have to slow down in the parts that are easy and simple, so yeah, I really love that, it's great for me. But, outside of the classroom it's crazy! It seems like we're being made to learn just as much outside of the classroom as in it, and that frustrates me a bit because it means that I really don't get to have much of a life to do the things that I'd like to be able to do sad I don't get to read nearly as much as I'd like to, and my writing time is severely diminished sad I have on average about 3-5 hours of homework every night, and so in order to get back some of the free time that I want to have I end up staying up way late, and so I'm constantly tired and end up falling asleep and wasting my weekends catching up on sleep. That makes me frustrated, but I know that it's what's keeping me alive. I feel like I'm just surviving, working in small bits, attaining small goals, get this done for so long and then I have the weekend, endure classes for this long and I get lunch, stay awake for this long and then I can take a small nap, finish this class' homework and then save the rest for tomorrow morning and pray the teacher doesn't ask for it. >< It makes me feel really terrible when I look ahead, and back, I hate doing that kind of stuff, and that's why I end up staying up really late, I get EVERYTHING done, no matter what, I'm extremely responsible that way, and so I know that if I goof off, like I'm technically doing right now, hehe, I'll still get everything done so it's okay smile I'm probably the ONLY junior IB student (so that's out of 21 I believe) that has gotten every single homework assignment done and turned in, everyone else that I know of is missing at least one thing. I am usually the one that people come to when they need help with stuff, and while I'm okay with that and totally up for helping people out, it kinda frustrates me to know that they have lots of free time because they don't bother themselves doing the homework that I slaved over the night before to get finished, it's hard for me mentally that way, to know that other people probably aren't suffering from this the same way that I am, and that my suffering in essence seems to make it in fact easier for them. Kinda cynical way to think huh? But it is the way that I think of it, and it makes me sad. Some days just that alone is enough to make me want to throw in my towel and quit, to say hasta la vista, to get out of the whole IB hell that I've sold my soul to. Not fun. But, I look back and see all of the things that I've accomplished, this year has been crazy, but I know that I've done soooo much. I know that I can say that I'm proud of the work that I've worked hard on and done, and I can say that I actually know what it is and what I'm talking about unlike the other IB students. After all, I'm not doing IB for them, I'm doing it for me so that I can learn, because that's really what I want to do with IB anyway smile IB is helping me so that I can learn this stuff now and have it at a time that will make college hopefully easier on me and on my parents so that they don't have to pay as much for me smile That's what makes me happy, is knowing that later all of this is really going to pay off, that makes me feel good. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of hell to get there. I've got to offer both sides of the spectrum of this thing, because there is a middle ground, but its rare to sit in it. I've yet to have a night without any homework whatsoever, and I doubt that there will be one this year until I'm finished with my spanish and my bio exam. And even then it'll just be in those two classes. I bet a lot of money that I'll still have homework after my finals before winter break, lots and lots of money. I'm totally fine with the history homework, I love it and it's teaching me a lot that I like to know, but it's hard. LA homework is okay, but sometimes it's frustrating, but overall, not that bad. Biology is the most annoying for me, I'm really not liking bio because of my teacher, he really frustrates me, and it's the one class that I'm really going to be euphoric about when I'm finally finished and done with it smile Can't wait. Just have to endure for the rest of the year. Math is really interesting this year, some days I love it and its the best class that I have, other days its so frustrating that I just wonder how I put up with it, the class makes me feel bipolar some days, but overall I love it, math makes my brain work and spin and it's amazing. biggrin Spanish...well...it's a little weird this year, I learned so much last year and I just don't feel that I'm learning as much this year. Idk how it's going to turn out, but I think I'm going to be glad when I don't have to take spanish anymore next year smile And then there's engineering....this class is really starting to annoy me, the teacher is just having spastic moments and yelling that frustrates me to no end, and I'm going to have to figure out a system to survive her class...and pass the IB test...^^'' TOK next semester should be interesting, but I'm going to be sad to not have my 7th period TA'ing for my history teacher, she's really fun and I really enjoy having that time to interact with freshmen and be doing something that I don't really have to think much about smile And then there's MOCK TRIAL! ^_^ It's really fun so far and I'm looking forward to it, but I'll have to talk about it more later when I have more to talk about, I'm not quite done reading through the case material yet, so I don't really want to make judgments about it yet. Uhm, I'm sure that there's more to tell, but I've got to do some engineering homework, so it'll have to wait till another day when I come back to share the events of my life again smile There's a lot more that I have to share since I haven't been on here in a while, but it's hopefully gonna come eventually smile

Leave me a comment if you read through all of this, I miss everyone and I want to at least know that you're saying "hi" ^_^ Luffles everyone! heart
~shadoww