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I want to share a few things with everyone so that they will know how unstable I am currently am.

I've been suffering from depression since the beginning of eighth grade. Suicidal thoughts pestered me, but I finally went to see someone in middle school. After about a month, I stopped going to see my therapist. I felt like I was okay. The start of my depression may seem stupid and completely dumb, but it all started with me falling for a really close friend of mine, and how he used it to his advantage and I was abused. I've never told anyone before, but yes, I have been sexually abused before. Please do not ask for details, it isn't your place to do so.

At one point in time I had felt like everything was falling apart. Close to christmas 2007, my parents were having major fighting issues. My mother told me right to my face that she no longer loved my father and she didn't give a s**t what happened to him. My mom left and stayed at my sister's house, taking me with her. They stayed apart for a while, and they were planning on a divorce. They are still together but do not love each other, and it causes a lot of uproar within the household. Soon after my brother quit college to go off to the military, I saw my mother cry for the first time. That night I locked myself in my room and cried myself to sleep, believing that everything was falling apart. I had no family, I had no friends, and most of all, the guy I loved most was becoming the typical stereotypes of most males. My brother fell ill to a liver failure and was denied going to the military.

My life had reached a blank point for a while, and I was secluded from any kind of social life.

Starting highschool I stepped into butt loads of pressure, and I dove deeper into my depression. My sister is out to get me, her only joy is getting me in trouble. My mother pressures me immensely in school, living her life through mine. I have no privacy, and no room to converse quietly. I am forced to keep my sexuality a secret because of family religions and because when they found out I was bi-curious in middle school, all hell was let loose. I continued to seclude myself at home, to the point where my family forgot I was home. I resorted to cutting as an escape, and its sickening. The urges began to become hard to resist and I cut every night. My suicidal thoughts came back, and with complications with my dad's work, we no longer have the money to send me to a counselor. I can not seek professional help, and I continue to suffer from depression. My mother continues to take away my social life, and I am forced to become something I am not.

My mood changes drastically when reminded of heartbreak. I'm afraid to fall in love, and I'm scared to have crushes. My self-esteem is at an all time low and I can't see how anyone can like me or be attracted to me. My jealously over rides my thinking, and I end up coming off as a b***h. I continue to stick myself out there and help my friends, no matter how I feel. I deny myself, I go to great lengths to prevent myself from falling deeper into a crush with someone. If hurting myself emotionally is the only way, I seem to do it. No hesitation.

People try to tell me they understand, but I don't think anyone ever will. I do not like hearing that, nor having constant sympathy thrown at me. They are not me, and they are not thinking my thoughts.

My family continues to ignore my feelings, and avoid me. When my mother found out about my cutting, she avoided me for about a week. They will not take me to see professional help, and forbid me to see the counselor at school. They are afraid of me, afraid of what I might do.

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