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Last night I went to Em's party. I had an okay time. There was lots of people everywhere, although I knew everyone with the exception of two people. There was games, talking, D&D, and for me drawing. I spent forever drawing a Night Elf that only turned out okay in the end, but I guess it was still pretty hot.

I guess I felt kind of lonely the entirety of the party, though. I felt like Dustin was ignoring me for the majority of the night. Then him and Danika went off somewhere together (to talk, so it seems) and I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was truly, truly scared. Especially when after they came back they seemed very close, and he even went so far as to feed her... Maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe I'm misinterpreting, but when the guy you've fallen for is busy chatting away and being very friendly towards the Ex that he had already cast you aside for reasons of two other times... you get paranoid. You get scared. You don't want to experience that again.

It was worse because it's like he wouldn't even acknowledge me. Everytime I spoke I never got an answer. Not a single glance went my way. I watched his eyes follow her many times. I guess it couldn't be blamed, she looked very attractive that night (if that's not weird of me to say.) and I was left wondering that in wake of that look of wistfulness he gave her, I would be cast away again.

How could I blame him? A girl he loved for a year and a half. What reason would he have to value me above her? I guess it's just... even though I had loved someone more then my life for over two years, here I am now with Dustin, and to me he is the most important person now.

There was a point in that night where he scared most of us. He was trying to go to the mall to get Warhammer, and all of the sudden he just fainted onto the floor. Everyone in the room got up and went over to see if he was okay. I felt his pulse to make sure his heart was still beating. He woke up shortly afterwards, and I told him that was scary, and he told me ... to get used to it. Heh. It was strange how he had been perfectly fine for such a long time before he started to get sick again. I was so glad, thinking he'd finally conquered the sickness. I wonder, just how much longer is this going to go on? I hope he gets better soon.

Anyways, I ended up having to go for a brief walk to shake the suffocating feelings from me. Surprisingly, it wasn't that cold. I walked through A&P, uncaring of how I must appear to others in my dead doll costume. It had started to rain by the time I left, and I considered that fitting. When I came back, apparently everyone was worried about where I went. I'd only been gone for five minutes... but I guess that sort of cheered me up.

My fears were really not dispelled until later that night, after I woke up from my nap on the couch. Well, first I watched Gurren Lagann on Pat's PSP, man that show is sweet and I gotta download more. >.< Kamina FTW. Ahem.. but anyways, before he left, Dustin was very sweet to me and called me "his lady" (when Wes was poking me) and I sighed a breath of relief. That was the proof I needed that he hadn't changed his mind about me. He also said a few other things, like how if he was ever going to be glad to date a zombie chick, then I'd be me. I corrected him saying I wasn't a zombie, but it was sweet of him nonetheless. When he hugged me, all doubts went away and I felt bad for not believing in him. I mean... I guess I did, but I was just scared. Over and over in my mind I said, "It'll be okay, right? Doesn't he love me? He wouldn't do this again." and in the end... he didn't. I was incredibly grateful.

I thought about it afterwards. I wondered, what if he was being like that so he could get on good terms with her again so they no longer had to adamantly avoid eachother? Thinking back to things he had said to me before -- "I flirt with everyone, and it's mostly my way of getting along with people so it isn't awkward." -- I realized that was probably the intention all along, and I had been silly for not thinking of that. Was it okay of me to get so scared? Was it acceptable?

I walked home with my thoughts and was just glad everything was okay.

Until I got home intending to play WoW and my brother had his brigade of friends over. -.- That meant holing myself up in my room and watching TV until the wee hours of the morning. Ugh, how I slept in, this definitely has to stop... me and my nocturnal prowess...

Well now, I'm just waiting until Dustin gets back online so we can play some WoW. Our Bleeding Hollow characters are level 20 now, unless he leveled a bit more while I was offline. Ethira is a pretty kickass Night Elf Hunter, with her pet Firzara. I wonder if he's playing Warhammer? Oh well, I'll just do stuff in the meantime...

It seems kinda lame that this journal is less about Em's party and more about my dumb feelings.

It was still a fun party. I was glad to see everyone.