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I've decided to arrange my journal. everything is here except the comments that were there with the entries individually. I guess I do have OCD. It bugged me for a long time.
Journal Entires
Always Thinking....Date:1/14/05
.....wen i go to work,wen i'm sitting in my room, wen i'm watching tv or listening to music,there is always something that reminds me weather it b a sad song-about a lost luv, to the things happening in California-i miss him all day...Yamato is helping way more then neone else, but i cant stop thinking...............i'm.......just shocked...and scared. i keep asking..........is this tru? plz let it only b a nightmare...it is, but only wen i open my eyes ....its still tru....................a living nightmare............a nightmare i cant escape..............wat do i do..................
Painful Memories....Date:4/01/06
its the times of when i'm alone i still think of him the most. today i cried in 4th block while having to listen to a song A Moment In Time, by Witty Huston. it was to see what was it about the song that was transendentalistic. as i tried to block out the words....they pierced my ears as if razors, maybe even knives. as the song grew to its climax, i began to brake down....just as a time where i was folding laundry and started to sing a song to myself as i used to about a year and a half ago with him.....as i realized what i was singing, i began to cry but kept my voice clear til the end of the song.....at the finishing point...i couldn't make it. My heart gave out and i burst into tears......i want him now as we speak. hearing the troubles that jessica (my friend) is having with her ex- i automatically start thinking of kevin....but didn't talk about it until near time of her going to bed. there is no way to explain my sorrow....all i can do is cry and cry. everything i have tried to save is now gone. i have nothing....but myself to keep me company now. will i ever trust another as deeply as i did him? maybe not, but i know one thing. when i was alone and we were together, i would curl to my pillow and dream of the life that might happen.....and imagin him holding me in his arms, telling me he loves me. then i would think of the day we would meet. i would then smile and get the warm feeling. but now.....all i know is that our relationship was a lie.......was i not good enough? i don't know. had i done something wrong? maybe i will never find out. all i no is that the years we were together, i was feeling like i was luved......truely luved. now i just look at luv as another obsticle in my way. of life being just a hollow existence in which we all live......this is my hell, to live.
The Past And Memories Clash....Date:4/10/06
The sight of old people dying to together saddened me today. I had made a mistake. I watched Titanic and as Jack and Rose floated on the Atlantic, Jack talked of her living on. all the way until the end i cried at the thought of being alone and/or dying without him......there is a hole bigger than anything anyone could imagin in my heart. What once seemed so full is now filled with sadness and emptiness. i tried passing my time by reading books. it helps but what can i do when all my books are read? What is there for me. If i am ever to trust another again.....i don't want to hurt anymore. each time i think about him......anything at all i get a sick feeling in my stomach. my head spins and i feel like i'm being gutted alive every time. i still am getting over being single. sure i flirt now and then, but only when i feel happiest on that day. Those are the days i want the most....if only i could have those days instend of having old fantasies of me and him in the future that will never happen. i was distant all day. when i had gotten on the bus i was in a zombie like state. i didn't realize it until someone pointed it out to me. i thought about our history together, what we had shared......is what he said true? or is it that phase where they want to be friends and like it to solve all problems that go on between couples. i know i was going throught that phase after that 7 to 8 month brakeup ...then i slowly got my heart stronger.....and my heart won. i was always told to follow my heart.
the song i listen to now is Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. hoping that will be the truth for me one day. and to where i wont have to worry about guys cheating on me, lying to me, or be untrue
Nightmares....Date:4/17/06
i have had nightmares of him....well they would be considered dreams to an average person.....but to me...it is the last thing i need....ever since the last time we talked i have had dreams about him..and they wont go away! what should i do to get rid of them and for him to be out of my life! ........haunting my thoughts during the day....and now my dreams at night.....i know he doesn't love me anymore....but why cant i let him go? why is it so hard? i don't understand any of it...as much as i need him....and want to be with him...i can't....he doesn't love me as a ......girlfriend....and it brakes my heart each time he would tell me that he luvs me more as a friend....i ach so bad it hurts......i hurt every time he is on my mind.....i just want the pain to go away....whether he stops talking to me.....or he gives me commitment....and i know he wont give the second choice....he is too much like his dad....
Happy Days....Date:4/23/06
i've had fun for about a week now! this is so much fun with my friend here. All my friends are making it an easy road to recovery. i hardly ever think about him anymore. my dreams have started to go away a lil. i just need to keep having fun. me and jessica pillow fought last night. i'm turning her into a wild child. i turn everyone i know to a wild child its fun. today we was smacking each others butts. i will never forget the friends that suck by me through everything and i will never forget them. i hope they will be in my life always, in some way or another. Today we might go walking today.
Drama, Drama....Date:7/30/06
geez so much has happened since my last entry. friends turning out to be stupid stress and bull smack stuff. jessica and i worked at the same place to earn money and ever since she had moved out of her grandma's, she decided to ditch and make us work harder than we had to if she was there. everyone counts in a small, understaffed restaurant. she was a hostess, a person who dealt with the register, salad bar and took menus to the tables when the waitresses were busy with other things. she decided to skip on the important nights where we needed her the most. those where memorial day and 4th of July. she wanted to spend time with her boyfriend instead of taking care of her responsibility. i was happy when she quit to tell the truth. the only things that really came out of her mouth were problems at home and with david. customers don't want to hear others problems if they want to have a good night out. but she always lied them to people both at the register and the table. to top it she got mad at me for her actually being let go. she said she was joking but she shouldn't have said she quit and she would still be working. i told her that that was a business and we have no time for games. say what you mean and keep it that way. now kami is working at the restaurant in the kitchen and Steph Kay works as the hostess. she is good. she was raised alittle better than me i might have to say. she always helps and wants to be busy most of the time. i can't blame her on that. being busy passes time quicker in any place. my working schedule has changed a little. it used to be go in at 5 pm and leave at closing on both Friday and Saturday. now its 5pm til closing on Friday and 3pm til closing on Saturday. o well, more money for me. I'm saving for a lot of stuff. living on my own, improvements to my car (like spoilers and stuff), and improvements to the house that I'm gonna stay at if all goes well. i'm going to get my bellybutton pierced soon and school is going to start on the 3rd U_U'' dang it. i guess school will help make my wait for my 18th b day short. 2 months and 27 days from today. i can't wait.
i hope luck comes to me and i wish you luck too. i wish it to everyone everyday and hope that things will work out in your favor
B-Day In 2 Days...Date:10/24/06
for all that has happened in the past months of my life, i'd hope that my 18 birthday would make up for it. i don't know anymore.A broken trust, the ex-boyfriend, troubled friends, and family issues make it all so hard to hope. my family issues started mostly around feb. when my uncle died. my dad's brother and best friend was never to be seen in person ever again. just a gravestone and few memories keep this wonderful man alive now. dad has struggled to manage with his sister-in-law and the stuff she dishes for a long time. she has become more greedy and heartless as well as a few bottom-feeders of the family. one of these bottom-feeders had split up the relationship between me and my sister for a long time. We are finally starting to talk again. maybe our relationship as sisters will become as it once was. i don't know. because of issues of the past, mother doesn't want to accept my ex-boyfriend at all. she said that she would tolerate him but would never feel for him...i have not been able to talk to this person for nearly four months. this, by itself, has killed me slowly inside. even though all the drama between us is still fresh in my mind, i still love him and can't hate him.....only love and the sliver of hope i have left is rested on that alone. not having him to talk to .....my rock....my love...and who i believe is truely my other half. i've tried looking at others....none of the match up to him....and they never will. i have reason to believe that some of my friends have a terrible disease. i feel helpless because i can't do anything to help them. purging themselves to be thin is a diease of the mind. only they can help themselves. funny thing is, they are perfect just the way they are. nothing about them is wrong. except for one that wants attention from everyone and to gain attention from boys. i get guys attention without being that way. no one sees me as easy..if they do then they talk to me and they are quickly corrected without me saying a word. i'm not saying either of them are easy, but i am saying that one of them is looking the wrong way for attention. i will not mention names to protect their identity. i may be wrong about both with the disease but not with a comment. i want to help alot of people so much that it hurts. i have to stand back and they have to learn themselves......my ex has always been right about one thing..i worry too much. i can't help it though.
If Only...Date: 3/15/07
alot has happened since the last i wrote. am i a fool for taking back a man who hurt me so much? has he really changed? i really hope i am not a fool. following my heart is so hard. i hope its worth it. he seems like he has really changed, though. i just can't go through another heartbreak like i did the last time. i still love him very much and i still see us growing old together....having kids, and going through the hard times, as well as the good times. i close my eyes and imagine us together every day.....we are still not together because i'm scared. every time he asked me if i wanted to go out with him i would shy away and finally say no. i love him so much that i don't ever want to let him go. i hope i'm not waiting for another disappointment. i had went out with someone else for about 2 weeks and a half. all i could be was think of my ex....and imagine him holding me instead of the boyfriend i had. in a way, that brought me even closer to my ex, kevin. me and kevin still talk. he is so willing to be with me and it seems he will do anything to do it. he has already gotten another job and is trying to save up to go to graduation to see me. think me silly, think me stupid, but i still love him....ever since 2 years ago i wanted to merry him. but i know that he doesn't want to get merried until he is ok on money and that fact means alot to him. i know that its a good idea, but i know that he really cares if he would ask me and let me hold that status until it is ok to get merried. of coarse i would want it to be at least half way romantic....in person, for him to have a ring there....you know, that stuff. i believe i am ready for that commitment with him. if he did that i would know that he wants me...i can't explain it. i want to be more than a girlfriend.....so much more. but that stuff probably won't happen. so i don't expect it at all. i do daydream of that day at the alter...for how he would propose, of how wonderful that beautiful that day would be. i would do my best to look beautiful just for him that day. he says i don't need to do anything to make me that way....but i want to do that for him...as part of to show how much i care and love him. i'm crazy i know...wouldn't be the first time i heard it and it won't be the last.
Shifting Emotions...Date:7/20/07
During my life, I never imagined that I would ever turn out the way that I have. I understand so little about men and boys. These past few months have not been pleasant to me. The only confort I could ever get in a day would come from Kevin. After all that I have done to hurt him, he still welcomes me with open arms. This is something I feel I don't deserve from him. I have cheated and I have lyed to him. When I tell him the truth, he isn't mad,but always disappointed. I can understand that. What surprises me is the fact that he doesn't give up on me. This, alone, gives me the strength to try harder to better myself. But, I can not get passed the guilt of what I have done to him in the past. I try to forget it like he says to, but it is just to hard. How could he want to marry someone like me? I keep telling him that I'm not good for him, but he just tells me that it is his choice to decide if I am or not. I just wish I would be as good for him as I used to be. There is some lighter news to what has happened to me. I have finally met my brothers and mother in California. They were very happy to see me. Though brothers can be annoying, I do love them very much. My mother welcomed me with open arms, as expected. On the other hand, my step-father did not. He basically ignored me for the most part. That hurt my feelings, but there is one thing that I have learned and that is: you can't please everyone no matter how hard you try. I recently found out that I have depression. Surprise, Surprise! With my mom and dad always at my back, its a little hard to be happy. I owe my life to Kevin for being there for me, though. He truely is my hero.
Doubt...Date:7/26/07
This is a quicker update compared me waiting months before putting something else on here. I haven't told Kevin this, but I'm not sleeping well because I am being to think he is cheating on me. I may be just imagining things and everything may just be fine, but I can't shake that feeling. I can't understand why. This feeling just recently got stronger. If he is, it's probably my fault. I tried hard to be a better person for him. I tried to see the better side of things. I just can't do it anymore. My hope is gone, my patience is shot, and I just don't have the ability to trust hardly. In my mind, I feel like I'm going to lose him. That it's only a matter of time before he is tired of me. Today, he was suposed to call me after cleaning. that was 10 hours ago from now, as I am writing this. I called and it seems that he has went out somewhere. You can not imagine how hurt I am right now. Now, I think he is lying about this job thing and is out with other girls. I don't know. All I know is I once trusted him with my whole being, and now, I'm doubting every move. It was geting better until a couple of days ago. My trust in him was returning. I still love him very much and I can't live without him, but I don't want to hurt. I hope to God he isn't cheating on me. I won't be able to take another blow like that.
Insight...Date:9/03/07
Ever since I was a little girl, I had thought of love. I always wondered how it would feel and if it was as great as all of the love movies claimed it to be. As I had gotten older, the emptiness I felt also grew as I saw more and more people fall in love. As I began to try to understand how this new world was, I also felt its pain. I slowly became a girl who wanted my heart full of warmth and stop the knots in my stomach. I kept daydreaming of guys that I would want to be happy with. It always gave me the warmth, but only parically. I had wanted more to become complete. I would lay awake for hours and listen to music that would remind me of this world I had wanted so much. Some how I felt I would never have it or diserve it because of the destiny that fate had already planned for me. One day, I wished to who or whatever would listen to me. I cried into my dark room with tears pouring down my cheeks,"of anything I had ever wanted, everything I had ever dreamed of, I would give it all to just taste the love I had wanted so much. Even if I get hurt in the process, even if I don't have it for long, I want to know what I am missing." Just as I was about to give up years later, I met someone. I often asked myself, "is he the one or am I just fooling myself? Do I want love so bad I will make anything work or is it real?" I invision a family with him and speading many happy years with him and growing old. I am afraid of one thing. If he is the one, I would never want it to end. I am afraid of death. In death, it would mean the end of my happiness on Earth.
New Beginnings...10/3/08
Its been a while since my last entry. Since then I have graduated from high school and am studying computer science at a vocational school near where I live. I went through some troubled times in the past year and grew an immunity for love. I also gained the gruesome ability of being a player for a short time because of this immunity. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I was at the point where I didn't care anymore. I felt I deserved to treat men the way they treated me for the longest time. I now realize my faults in this. I also learned to let go of old loves to create new bonds. Kevin is now with a wonderful girl and I wish the best for them. He never deserved the struggles I put him through for a past he learned from a long time ago. It was hard to let him go, but I knew it was the right thing to do. He still loves me to a degree, but that will change with time and compassion from his love, Katie. I still feel pain for seeing him and thinking of him with another but I am proud and happy that he found someone better. I also let my boyfriends go that I had. I cared a great deal for one of them. He is better off without me too. he is still hurting inside because the break up wasn't that long ago. I try to be there as a friend though. As for my life right now, I met a wonderful guy named William. He seems to care a great deal for me already. Before, I couldn't feel bad about anything in my life. Now all I do is care. I smile every time I think of him, but I don't know how far things will go. But for the first time in a long time, I have hope. He relaxes me in a way to where all my worries vanish into thin air. All I feel is happiness and that makes me want to cry tears of joy. I've been sad for too long. Now I have something to look forward to everyday that comes. Even if he isn't the one, this is a good start for my new beginning...
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Days Go by... 8/3/09 ~*NEW!!*~
I've noticed the days going by so fast, but it seems i'm not enjoying it like one was ment to. Being so busy with three jobs and schooling for the future can be a bit on the stressful side yet somehow i seem to manage it. Time for the update. Will and I didn't make it. seems he was just like all the others i ever encountered. strange that ones keeps attracting the same kind of people regardless of change to one's self as if the efforts were never seen. we broke up after about 7 months and then got back to try it again. it didn't last more then a month. his yearning for another was just a bit nagging and he let his other head get in the way once again. i do have some suspicions of what went on. knowing from experience i believe i'm very close to being right. i believe he was talking to this other female for quite some time and that is the reason why he drifted. he is deffinately not ready for any kind of relationship though he is so convinced he is. he, i'm afraid, is a want to be player. To tell you the truth, i was expecting it. things just seem too good to be true. And we all now what that means. He showed so many signs its pathetic. So why did I stay with him knowing this? Good question. I don't really know. It might have to do with blindness of infatuation, or maybe just too much benefit of the doubt to prove me wrong (I hate being right about relationships). Sounds silly? Not really. Too many people every day do the same things like this over and over in hopes of change or to be convinced the other is the one. Sure i've had my tears but they will slowly stop over time. I don't cry very much about it anymore. yes i have moments of memories that make me tear up but i raise my head and remember what he is. I don't hate him. though i say i do. I don't want him, though the months try to say otherwise. I'm happy now. I have friends and family and to be honest that is all i really need. though i have been talking to one of my ex's i never stopped loving, but that will have to be mentioned in the next entry...
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Comments
Quote: Rurouni Kei
Fri Apr 27, 2007 @ 02:41am
I know I've screwed up, I know I don't deserve you but I'm still trying hard for you, still waiting for you to make up your mind, still longing to be with you and make up for my mistakes. I just hope it's not to late, hope we still have a chance, hope you pick me instead of that other guy. Quote: Rurouni Kei
Fri May 11, 2007 @ 03:49am
...you said you didn't want to let me go but you did, the moment you found someone else you did, and my heart aches for it. I love you and I want you back so won't you please come back to me my darling? Quote: Jinx_shewolf
Wed May 16, 2007 @ 04:24pm
*cough* Two things. You screwed up in treating her the way you did....if she takes you back...don't mess it up. Second thing.....TROGDOR. *claps* 07 Quote: Rurouni Kei
Sat Sep 08, 2007 @ 01:41am
Even if I die or the world comes to an end, my love for you will go on forever! My love for you is timeless my darling! Quote: Rurouni Kei
Fri Feb 08, 2008 @ 03:55am
I wasn't cheating, I love you with all my heart, and yet you still didn't tell me everything, you didn't tell me you had so many doubts, it hurts that you never do tell me. Was it true that you left me recently because you had issues to work out? or was it because you didn't trust me anymore? Quote: Rurouni Kei
Tue Nov 18, 2008 @ 03:37am
It still hurts for me too but I hope you'll be happy with this new guy, I wish you the best of luck and sorry for all the pain I caused you.
 Kitsune Goddess Eve · Wed Oct 22, 2008 @ 05:02pm · 1 Comments |
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