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Yeah, I didn't really feel like doing another Ali-chan at the moment.
Anyway...so I just had a mood swing. Wow. XD
Um, okay, let's start with the before. I was so deliriously happy. I got a cell phone, a car, my permit, all kinds of stuff, I'm about to get FFXI finally, which I've been waiting three years to play...I'm going to dye my hair totally pink temporarily...I finished Last Friends, which was totally amazing and still has me all worked up...basically I've just realized many life dreams and life looks really really good. I was reassured for the first time that I am indeed needed by someone. They said, I was truly a good friend. That meant a lot to me, considering I always worry about things like that.
Which reminds me...I do seem to have some real anxiety issues. I always worry and have second guesses about everything, while other people always seem so sure and certain of themselves. Yeah, they can be unsure sometimes, but not all the time like I am. I'm pretty sure for once that this isn't just a perception. :/
Anyway, moving on, I then listened to some beautiful piano improvisations and then moved on to other songs...but I was on Myspace and I read a bulletin...and all of the sudden my mood just crashed down. It was so sad...I wanted to comfort the person but I didn't know how, and I would feel awkward...it just made me want to drive all the way to their house and cry with them...lol.
Maybe Last Friends got my emotions all tender and that's why I want to cry over something silly like that. Idk. But then, as usual, one thing leads to another, and soon I was thinking about all these things I was unsure about and worried, and just...now I'm really depressed. XD
Hm...well at least my life has already passed out of the rough part. As I've said a million times, the first half of my sophomore year was the worst part of my life. But even before then...I...heh-heh...used to lie awake nearly every night thinking about things and sobbing. XD But then it got so that, even before my sophomore year...maybe even before my freshman year, I don't remember...I just stopped. And the spaces between the sob sessions got bigger. XD
Haha, now I'm doing the XD thing a lot because this is awkward and I probably shouldn't even be typing this right now. But too bad. I never listen to my common sense anyway...
So...sophomore year sucked but thinking back I didn't cry a whole lot like I used to. And just now I realize...that it must have been because of my friends. I met so many great people, and got closer to some...honestly, through middle school I didn't really have anyone I felt like could talk to at all. But in high school...
omg, I'm gonna cry now. XD
Um, well...geez, I'm listening to Prisoner of Love really fast tempo, but still the song is just been connected to so many emotional things that every time I listen to it, even at this insanely fast tempo, it gets me even more emotional. Seriously, I am never this emotional. Geez. XD
Um yeah so I finally started learning about myself. That people actually enjoyed me being around. That I was actually a special person. That I was a good person, that I meant something. This sounds so emo, and I really can't believe I was that bad off...I still don't believe I was that bad off...but I do know I got so much happier after I met everyone.
Thank you so much, my friends. Even though you fight each other and make me upset, or I can worry about silly things, you have done so much for me and I don't even realize it even now.
Hm...haha...I'll probably delete this journal soon.
Yeah...anyway, now the last half of my sophomore year was even more amazing. I started to grow so much socially...before that I was a social disaster. My life suddenly took on more purpose and started moving at a faster pace. I didn't feel so stagnant anymore. I made many more amazing friends...
Before that, I would cycle between these stages of depression and fragile happiness. The depression stages got longer and longer, until I would only have about a week of happiness at best. Sometimes only a day or two.
But now they've been totally obliterated. I kept thinking "Oh, this is a long stage of complete true happiness, but that just means I'll just fall harder and longer when I go back into sadness..." But nope. There were short little periods that lasted a day at most. I was...really surprised. Heh. It's still going strong and I can't believe it. I haven't had a sob session in months. =D
This is so, so personal...I'm really scared...haha XD
Now I don't worry so much about growing up. First I resisted it and hated it. Then I got used to it, with a slight bit of wistfulness. Now I just get annoyed with it sometimes, but just a specific part of it, and that's my main worry at the moment. Which is a silly worry, so I can't believe how awesome my life is looking, and I'm so excited about the future. Before it just was blank, monotonous. Now the future is incredibly promising and exciting.
Now I'm not depressed anymore. Haha. My mood has just swung up again. XD
I was just thinking about the same thing, the same worry, but I'm okay with it once again. I just wish...the same wish that used to get me all the time...
I wish everyone could just be happy.
That sentence...at this tender moment just makes me want to cry. Because there are so many people out there, miserable and not knowing what to do, and I just want to share my happiness with them, or help them...we all have such sad stories...that was what the bulletin made me think about.
Shiawase ni Narou...haha.
I love music. Music basically runs my feelings. That's terrible, but still. XD
I can't imagine being deaf. It has to suck. Especially if you've heard music before you became deaf, if you weren't born that way. Having to live without music...how could you survive?
Lol, I'm so spoiled...
This is such a rambly journal...
I'm going to delete it too, I know I will...if you've read this, I'm going to have to kill you... XD
Lol.
I wish...I could be an amazing singer and writer and composer like Utada Hikaru. I wish I could make music that stirred people's emotions. That's what I really want. But I can't...the only thing I have is a good voice that I only know is good from other people...
I swear, this sounds so terrible, and I can't believe it myself, but Utada Hikaru is the only person I've ever wanted to be. I'm totally content and even happy to be myself. I wouldn't trade with anyone, except for maybe a day, because I'm curious as to what being around me is like. Lol XD But when I see her on stage, or listen to one of her beautiful songs...that's the only time I've ever felt like...dang, I just wish I was her! XD
What a silly thought. biggrin
Well, if you've read this, you just got a real peek into my head. Yes, it rambles. Yes, it's thinking about five hundred different things at once. Yes, it says stupid mushy things quite frequently. Hahaha =D
 LadyAlisyn · Wed Jun 25, 2008 @ 07:54am · 1 Comments |
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