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1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an air plane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "********."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Number 18 omitted due to stupidity.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the ******** down.

Number 20 omitted due to stupidity.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
*sigh* Omitted due to Andy's existence! XD

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Ok I'm sorry but #26 was just retarded.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29:.....*runs away*

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

32. Chuck Norris can speak Slapuu, and is the only non-idiot who can.

33. Chuck Norris built Rome in a day, then destroyed it in a night.

34. Chuck Norris became gay because no woman is man enough for Chuck Norris. (( XDXDXD))

35. Chuck Norris can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

36. If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it must be a steamroller after being pulverized by Chuck Norris. ((...What?))

37. If Chuck Norris can't fix it, it's broken.

38. But only because Chuck Norris pulverized it with his fist.

OH god this one was bad.

40. Guess who the fifth horseman is? Yup.

41. Chuck Norris exists. (( Nah s**t?))

Gay...That is all.

OMG some of these make me want to shoot myself even more.

44. It takes eight-million-six-hundred-seventy-five-thousand-three-hundred-nine licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop, but one kick from Chuck Norris will also do the trick.

46. What happened to 45 is a good example of what will happen to anyone who messes with Chuck Norris. (( AMEN))

47.It wasn't a comet that killed the dinosaurs; Chuck killed them all because a T-rex looked at him funny.

48.Pangea did not seperate because of plate techtonics; Chuck wanted a pool.

49. Chuck Norris is the only organism capable of damaging an Avro Arrow. ((...WHAT?))

50. Chuck Norris is the only human being capable of spelling 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' backwards, upside down, and inside out. Twice. While being on fire.

51. Chuck Norris can, and will, challenge Jesus to a game of Uno, and win five times in a row, via sattelite link from inside an airlocked chamber 40 metres under the sea. (( wow..o.o))

52. Chuck Norris once broke the neck of a McDonalds employee because he didn't give him exactly 52 fries. (( Picky, Picky?))

biggrin No 53 for you.

54. Chuck Norris built the Great Wall of China initially around the border of Mexico, but then decided it would look better in China.

55. You know Sephiroth? Chuck Norris in disguise all along. (( OK I'm sorry I had to leave this one in BECAUSE it was so gay! XD))

58. Only Chuck Norris knows where 56 and 57 went. (( I DO! Does that make me Chuck Norris?))

59. Chuck Norris does not have a p***s, just another fist. (( He reminds me of my mom biggrin ))

Dinosaur. That is all.

61. Chuck Norris. (( w00t! :3 ))

62: *Poof*

63. Superman is Chuck Norris' son DAUGHTER.

64. Chuck Norris wasn't born or created by anyone or anything. He just was there.
(( Just like God...Wait, I thought I was Chuck Norris?))

65. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not Butter.

66. Chuck Norris is not from Oklahoma, Oklahoma is from Chuck Norris.

Wow...This is a REALLY long list!

68. If Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris got in a fight, Chuck Norris would win.

69.lol 69 xD

70. Chuck Norris doesn't get very angry. Anything that even slightly vexes him doesn't last for long...ever.

71. Chuck Norris wants his playdough...b***h.