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I'm ready for it to be done. Everything. I can't ******** deal with this anymore. Life is full of too much s**t and I'm sick of it. All the bullshit and ******** everything else I have to deal with, I want it to be over. I have few things to live for in my life, and I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm on the verge of tears. My emotions are going haywire, a few hours ago I was fine, and now, I'm ready to go suicidal. I doubt I'll end it, I'm too much of a ******** p***y to do that. I need some way to vent my feelings out, physically. I need to find some jackass on the street and mercilessly destroy him. I really want to go into detail how I'd make his life ******** hell, but I can't describe all the ******** ways I'd torture him in words.

School is bullshit, half the people I consider my friends are a**-holes to me half the time, and I'm ******** sick of it. People treat me like s**t, they think I don't give a ******** what they say, but they're ******** wrong. What they say gets to me, and that's what's tearing me down. I'm sick of comments like, "You're ******** gay." or "Nobody ******** likes you." I'm ******** sick and tired of it, I hide my emotions so those exact people don't make fun of me any more than they do. It's half their fault that I have this ******** issue. If they didn't make fun of me, I wouldn't need to bottle up my emotions, and then I wouldn't be so ******** emotional. Thanks a lot, you ********.

My family doesn't help any. My parents are full of bullshit. They act like they care, when they just want me to be the perfect ******** son. I wish they could ******** realize I'm not perfect, and never will be. They expect too much of me, and I can't take it. It makes me feel guilty and bad that I don't meet up to their standards. I get a B- in a class and they make me go talk to my ******** teacher. I'm going to do ******** fine in school, I only wish they could realize that. It's not like I don't have enough pressure on myself from school, grades, the worst ******** teachers ever, and the stress of being perfect for my parents.

And to top it off, my grandpa died a while back. I didn't cry that much, I didn't let myself. Bad ******** idea. Now that guilt and sadness is coming out with everything else. I miss him, so much. I wish I could've seen him before he left. There's so many things I wanted to say to him, how much I love him, how he was one of the people I looked up to the most. Now he'll never know that, and it's all my fault. I miss him... so much... and I'll never get to see him again. I don't deserve to go to where he is right now, and that'll be one of the worst things in my eternity in hell, to know that I could've seen my Papa when I died.

My life is so miserable. I don't know what keeps me going, besides the people I love. There's those friends, that are there no matter what, and that understand and comfort you. I love those friends. I would do anything to have everyone be like them. For any of you who read this, I appreciate you so much, and I'm sorry for anything I do that you don't like. Just tell me, I don't want to loose you guys because I'm stupid. God, I'm such a p***y, I'm crying my eyes out over all this, which seems weird to me because I'm not supposed to have feelings.

I feel like one of those soulless lumps of flesh. I don't want to feel, but I do. I'm not supposed to feel, but I do. I want everything, the pain, the anger, the endless trouble, I want it all to stop and just leave me alone. But it won't do that. It'll keep coming back over and over again until it ends me. I guess all I have to look forward to in my life is struggles and pain.

I hope that someone is there with me the whole way, to keep me going and help me along. That person would be the most important person in my life.

Then there's you people on gaia. The various friends I've made through conversations, you guys rock. You're always nice, and I can always have a good time with you guys. You're nicer than those people at school. If I could switch you for them, I would in a heartbeat.

I'm going to wrap this up now, I really want to go to sleep. I just needed to tell anyone what is going through my head. I'd prefer not to talk about this with anyone, so please don't bring it up. I just needed to get this down somewhere.

Thanks.