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I doubt anyone reads this so here I go, to get things off my chest.

First off mom is smoking right here and its bothering me. I hate the smell, I hate how it makes me feel like im dying. I just want to leave.

I guess thats all this is about. Is leaving. You know..I never wanted to move but now I do in a sense. I feel as though everyone could do so much better without me. I dont know..one thing always leads to the next. Im so fricken scared to loosing what I have next year. I feel like im loosing mai lea but I know its my fault. I felt like I lost Hannah and now I talked to her. Nothing will change. Its a feeling I want to die. Drama, life is all drama.

Besides that..I dont know. I have nothing without mai lea. Seriously Yeah, I have savannah, I have Kate, I have Megan, I have Kathy, Natalie, Danielle. Who do I trust? Nobody anymore. Perhaps thats fate. Perhaps it'll get better. Maybe it wont, but it all hurts so bad. Im a loser, and yes, I put myself down. Kill me. I dont know...I feel so..broken inside, weak, like im being dragged in a bag, broken like glass. I feel like crying but I know better than that. I thought so many bad thoughts on the way home. I dont know...

I hate change, I want my past back, I was happier. Give me last year. I just want to stop here. But I know that would suck...they'd pay more for my casket then they can afford right now. Maybe once I have a job and money. But thats lame and I probably...hopefully wont feel like this.

My weakness...I've grown so weak. Just...frick..Why wont everyone say the heck with you instead of making this slow and all at once. Maybe thats what I wanted. I dont see why god wants me on earth. I blame myself for all the bad outcome happening. If I wasnt such a frick it wouldnt have happened.

Right now I hate everything.

Straylight Run - Existentialism On Prom Night Lyrics

When the sun came up
We were sleeping in
Sunk inside our blankets
Sprawled across the bed, and we
were dreaming

There are moments when
When I know it ends
The world revolves around us
And we're keeping it
Keep it all going
This delicate balance
Vulnerable, all knowing
(Sing like you think no one's listening)

You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would kill for this
(Sing like you think no one's listening)

You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would, you would

Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything

We're glad for what we've got
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out
Right in front of us
(Sing like you think no one's listening)

You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would, you would
(Sing like you think no one's listening)

You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would

Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything