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8 days left of summer vacation. Trying to figure out what one can do before the freedom is taken away by the nations laws of sending children to school. Finding friends to do some last minute activities since my whole summer was ruined by a girls wanting to learn how to ride a motorcycle. The Sunday of Father's day was a joyous one since I was at a anime convention. Who wouldn't be having fun but then the news that shattered my whole summer plans slapped me in the face. My older sister broke her tibia in two places while on the practice course and this sealed the deal on my summer. For many days was I going to the hospital to check on her condition and me not knowing what fate would hold for me. After learning of when she was getting home little did I know, I would be the one to care for her countless days of the summer. "She's your sister and she would do that same for you." my mother and father well mostly mother kept telling me. What about what my friends and what they want to do for me. I'm sure they would love to hear a 22 year old women complaining every five minutes about how much pain she is in or what she needs. That would make friends feel uneasy or in the way of what I was doing and that was the things they told me as well.

Spending countless days in the loneliness of a four roomed wall is where I spent many days. Only to emerge to tend to her needs, eat some food, or things to keep ones hygiene well. The ways of the hermit I seemed to get attached to me. Keeping myself locked up in a room didn't make things any better. Many days were spent sleeping the day away and being awake all night. The night time seemed to bring me so much peace since the one I was taking care of was fast asleep and I could have peace. There were only a few I could confide in when my days were getting crazy. Everyday just seemed to be like hell. I was the only one taking care of her and tending to her needs when everyone else said they would help. The only help they did for her was giving her a ride to places and cooking soup for her. Seeing all this just made me madder and madder in the inside but I kept it all to myself. The only good thing that came out of all this was being away from my dad's house, for being over there is like being in a dictatorship. Where at my mothers I have more freedom but it got very little use.

The only real friends I had over here was this little laptop of my sister's and a phone which kept me connected to the outside world. I felt no I still feel alone. Just no one to talk to and not being able to leave the house is too much for me. I truly felt happy when she was able to walk on her own without trouble which allowed me to leave the house for a while but sadly not many offers were made until the last few weeks of this summer. During this summer I have been doing so much thinking about things. Ranging from life to friends to school. All this thinking kept making me go into points of depression but I hid it from everyone to make them think I was ok. I only told a couple of people how I was feeling and that lightened my loneliness I was feeling. But the darkness was to overwhelming and I caved in. Many times I have tried to cry but the tears never came and was constantly crying on the inside from being alone and stuck in a place where I didn't want to be. I almost resorted to my old ways of cutting but I found some sense in my mind not by listening to my music which always seems to calm me or sleeping. That was the only reason my sleeping was so erratic this summer. Sleeping seemed to keep me away from reality and into a place were I felt free.

But the final blow was given to me when I just couldn't think straight anymore and I was doing many ditsy things that weren't just me. And hearing those words of "Are you retarded" from both my sister and my father just made me feel worse. I just felt like I wasn't living up to what I was before and that almost brought me to tears and yet again they didn't come out. Everytime I want to cry the tears just don't come. But they finally came when I talked to someone who still cares for me was talking to me while at band camp. Those words he said to me cheered me up and made me feel like those flaws they were telling me were nothing and that made me cry. After coming home from camp, I finally snapped. Telling my mother how sick I was of taking care of my sister and how no one was helping me out. Both my sister and mother looked at me like I was crazy, my sister saying she didn't need my help any more. I just couldn't take my sister constantly complaining how she wishes she could die all because she has a scar on her leg, how she is so fat when she is a size less then me, or she ugly. It made me sick hearing that every other day and her in tears about it and my mom telling her the same thing over and over about how she isn't. Being alone so much and listening to my music was the most calming for me. But being inside so much has changed me and I'm not sure if it's for the best or the worse.

It seems I have vented all that I was feeling for so long and yet there is so much more I am feeling. My summer was robbed from me but I should have gotten it back when she was able to walk and drive on her own. Now that school is coming up on the 28th, it seems that all the things I wanted to do are now hitting me when it is too late. But I feel so much lighter after righting all this. *gives a small smile* and I thank all who read this and not call me a complainer.

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