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10:57 PM - A part of me is dyeing but I don't want to let go.
Current mood: contemplative

" It is fun to watch people, thought - the teenage boys gripped in a fever of testosterone; the skinny teenage girl in braces and short skirts, their accessories a riot of pink and glitter, setting women's movement back 30 years or so."

I picture it in my head. Teens at an amusement park. Running to get to the next long line to the roller coaster. Young adults flirting and laughing, living life care free. It is an age where they are grown enough to understand some of the problems adults have but young enough to still be naive to think life is going to be easy and care free. That the problems they have now are major problems that will change their lives forever. Not that their problems don't matter but they only matter for the moment unless they choose to hold a silly grudge for 40 years.

I think back to it all - the life as a teenage girl. I miss it. I am afraid to lose it. I hate knowing that I am officially done with that part of my life. When you watch a movie it seems that nothing in the world matters but that one moment in a teens summer of fun. The movie make that moment seem like it last forever. When in fact those moments only last a blink of an eye. Time as a teenager flew by and I wonder if I made the most of it. In fact I know I didn't.

Although teenagers have those silly little dramas and think that label on clothes is what make a friend I still can't help but want it all back. There is something beautiful in the disaster of teenage life.

Most of all I miss having parent money to spend. To go shopping and to the movie every weekend. Then go home and fight with your parents only to have a heart to heart an hour later with them.

I am afraid. I am getting older. Adilt hodo is creeping up. I have to start working harder and being more responsible. I need to start worrying about possible health problems. I have to get the strength to let go of my parents and the safety of home and move on with life. How do I go about it? I see people do it so easily and I am jealous. To me it all seems so complicated. I think though I am getting there. Slowly but surely. Maybe I will find the strength in the next couple years lol?!!?

So where does it all leave me know thought? I have to let go of my past and say good-bye to the young girl in me. Yet I am not fully ready to be grown up. I feel like a pre-teen all over again. Scared and confused. I feel lost. I am a pre-adult. Oh god. The horror.

Well I am going to go find my path now. Wish me luck. Hopefully it won't be to hard to find. I don't want to have to cut vines and weed whack a lot of s**t along the way.

heart always.
Lolli