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* Don't eat rocks.
* Don't take naps in the road.
* Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
* Don't throw a brick straight up.
* Don't breathe car exhaust.
* If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
* For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
* Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
* Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
* The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
* If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
* If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.
* Don't flip off the Mafia.
* If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
* Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
* Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
* Don't shave with a lawn mower.
* Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
* Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
* Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.
* The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
* Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
* Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
* The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.
* Don't eat hot coals.
* Don't escape in to jail.
* Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
* Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
* Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
* Sell at most one of your kidneys.
* Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
* Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
* Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
* Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
* Don't snap towels at passing cops.
* Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
* Don't lick dry ice.
* Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.
* Don't pour salt in your eyes.
* Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
* Don't microwave yourself.
* Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
* Don't swallow toothpaste.
* Don't chew Tylenol.
* Don't bathe in gasoline.
* Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
* Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
* Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
* Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.
* Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
* Don't go swimming in a well.
* Rake leaves, not people.
* Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
* Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
* If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.
* Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
* Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
* When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
* Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
* Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
* Elvis is dead. Get over it.
* Wear clothes.
* Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
* If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
* Don't drink.
* Don't drive.
* Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
* Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
* When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
* When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
* No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
* Give me all your money.
* When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
* Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
* Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
 Looweeze · Fri Jul 27, 2007 @ 03:38pm · 1 Comments |
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